Finally feel compelled to write something about It.
Why I did it where I did it, the reasons behind my doing it and of course why it is what it is.
I'll start with the simplest - location. Well the area won't sag - at least not as much as the chest - and I don't think fat goes there as much as, say, the stomach. (Just imagine something on a beer belly years down the road - yikes!)
And oh its always concealed, of course, unless some fashion designer comes up with see-through shirts that are (and this is important) accepted by the mainstream. Oh trips to the beach or swimming pool? Well I don't really care about public opinion. Not when its not satanic or something like that. And of course if a girl gets scared away by the sight of a simple imprint I don't think she's worth going after. Ditto for friends I'd like to make.
Plus I'm acutely aware of the fact that people are fascinated by bare skin, and the lack of it.
OK the reasons behind it. (Its design comes under this as well.)
1. I'm Chinese.
I'm proud of my culture. I guess no matter what you say about the world being a global village, playground or quagmire, I still feel distinctly Chinese. Well, Singaporean Chinese, but that's not the point. Its the identity that I'm talking about, that we all seek - the roots that anchor us, keep us from amorally having sex with all and sundry, creaming off hundreds of thousands of dollars from the auntie that cleans your table when you've finished making a mess out of it, or tacitly allow a colleague to do that.
I'm not being racist when I say that when you've lost your values - and I'm not talking just about 'Confucian values' - you've lost your sense of self. Every race and community has its values, and when you desert your values, you've lost your sense of self.
Sorry I digressed. But well it was because of my firm sense of identity (as of now) that I wanted it imprinted on myself - to constantly remind myself that I am Chinese, and more importantly, I would not lose myself without the physical constraints of my family.
2. Instead of some cheesy cliche like 'ren(3)', I wanted something more meaningful. Like my name, which reminds me of my family, naturally.
And I am a little narcissistic i'll admit.
3(and more). Now identity aside, I guess I do share some of the reasons why people do it - connotations of rebelling against, well, something; the desire to be different; appear more macho (i can take pain, yeah!); and of course I saw a pretty seahorse on my cousin a few years back and thought hey, dats cool! Let me do something like that too!
Oh and I wanted to dispel the notion that I'm a guai guy. If not that, at least that not only gangsters or bengs can have it.

Anyone for swimming or the beach next week? Girls, especially? ;)

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Pls refer to it as, well, it in your comments, for personal reasons. Yes its a secret to some. Thanks.

I had just wanted to write "its been a great 3 days" when the power tripped. Grandma screamed/shouted. I fixed the problem - one of the electrical outlett's fuse blew. Grandma didn't understand what I was doing, what needed to be done (changing the outlet, which I don't have the equipment/don't want to do), and shouted somemore before calming down.
Wah kau.
And a teacher (Mr Steven Koh, for those who know who he is) was commenting how much patience I have. Said it when I was dealing with that English HOD lah, but yah.
I tell you, if you have to live with my grandma, with her tantrums, temper and all, you learn to be patient.
She's OK lah, when she's not angry/anxious/frightened.
But. I cannot stand her shouting.
I hate shouting, in fact, in any form. Which explains why I don't like shouting myself.

Shall post more about the past 3 days' events later. Too affected by her shouting.

Jus had lunch, a striploin steak and some asparagus. Bought fresh from NTUC, cooked myself. Wonderful meal. Simple, but absolutely delicious!!! :D
Jus love beef lah. Especially thick half-cooked slabs where you get to taste the blood, juices and raw taste of raspberry-red meat. *slurp*
Yeah i'm pretty much in contact with my inner carnivorous savage.

Seriously, I love beef. Don't you? It is the only meat that can taste great with minimal seasoning and cooking - think charred-but-not-cooked chicken u get at bbqs where everyone forgets the defrosted (ex-)frozen chicken wings on offer at Cold Storage are merely, erm, frozen, after decimation.
It is also the easiest meat to 'cook', isn't it? Slather some ssorted condiments and/or sauces you can find in the kitchen onto the piece of meat, add some oil, and let it burn in the saucepan until you decide you'd like it turned over. Flip it over, wait until you're impatient, and serve!
An aromatic/pungent medium-rare/blue/wasted steak is thus done!
Not to mention the numerous nutrients and protein it provides. Or its versatility. (I know that beef isn't just steak :P)
Damn I'm getting hungry again just thinking of it.

Was shocked to find my blog in IE's history when I opened it today. Apparently my sister had discovered my blog whilst searching for my name in yahoo. Yes jus by typing my name, and clicking search. My blog appears as the first result.
I believe I don't mention my own full name even once in the blog.
You guys might want to do a similar search on your blogs yah. If you don't want your mum or dad to discover your foul-mouthed straight-talking (very-)liberal-minded (*hint*) side.

I'm now hooked onto Apocalyptica. Its this band of 3 classically trained cellists playing.. I would say a mixture of metal, hard rock and classical music. Go check it out yourself - their fifth album is out.

You can't say their music is fantastic - if you don't know classical music and/or are not into heavy rock/metal you probably wont like it. And there's pretty little vocals in their songs, two only, in this entire album, in fact.

I just love the proposition - combining two of my passions into one.

Now... to get the 1st three albums i've missed...

Yay!!! I'm finally feeling much better today. The past few weeks have been real bad I tell you. High fever... lethargy... it was so bad I wanted to go out desperately but couldnt...
Oh well. I'm fine now!!! Anyone wanna go out soon? :D

I realise I haven't written anything about why I chose medicine, after years of saying a firm "NO" to it. Why I chose it despite my specific interest in neuroscience.
I guess its always been a personal thing - yes you know I'm a private person and I don't talk much about myself, but I guess today after watching Tuesdays With Morrie on Hallmark I feel... I want to share this with you people, especially my best friends who read this blog.

Well there are several reasons, of course. My experience as a medic, the conversations I had with friends, esp Mark, and several events that had happened in the past year that particularly affected me.
OK first off, why choose medicine as a course in the first place? Well not just because neuroscience is not a subject at BA level in the UK of course. As you all know I was quite keen in going into neuroscience in the US. I wasn't confident in getting in the universities I applied to, actually - but all the same, I did what I could, went over, talked to the professors, and got to know which universities it were I wanted to be in - and only those I was genuinely interested in getting into I applied. 2 universities only, actually. Duke and Chapel Hill.
But anyways. I wanted to find out, after taking neuroscience as a basic degree, whether I would want to continue as a neuroscientist, or branch out into medicine, a postgrad degree in the US. I was in a sort of conundrum, would I have the temerity to treat live human beings instead of torturing cute little hamsters? Would I be able to have the courage and confidence to help people with my medical knowledge, and be sure I was indeed helping them?
Had several conversations about this conundrum with several people. (I esp recall a conversation in coffee bean, and the coffee - good strong kopitiam-ish coffee, btw.)
But I guess after those conversations, I had a clearer picture of what I wanted to get myself into. I had decided, when I applied for medicine in the UK - it was meant as a backup, to my parents - that if I got in, it wouldnt be a hard choice for me to accept it.
By the way fate had it turn out both US universities rejected me, so it wasn't much of a choice in the end anyways.

My experience as a medic. Well actually it kinda ties in with the events that happened in the past year, or two.
As you know my grandpa had been suffering from Alzheimer's, dementia and a host of other ailments in the past few years. Somewhere near the end of 2003, he suffered a fall which left him physically, and I suspect mentally, very frail. He couldn't walk, or prod, in his later years, like he used to.
At the start of 2004, I was in training for 3 months in SMM. I guess by then I had decided that I would take the training seriously as it wasn't just for my own benefit - I might need the skills I learnt in the course in the future.
I finished the course 2nd in my platoon. 1st was a regular. (but no I'm not insinuating anything here) Whatever the result, though, I felt it was an accomplishment I could be proud of, not just for myself.
I was posted to Tengah, an ADA unit. Spent most of my time at Tengah, and as Tengah is a huge base - with thousands of personnel working in it, and many falling sick daily, invariably - I had quite some experience working there.
I wrote this in my application, and I'll share it here:
I want to do something more. I remember this duty I did, where I was in charge of a sickbay of 9 patients, 8 on IV and suffering from physical exhaustion. All I could do then was to inform the Medical Officer if anything went wrong - if temperatures started to go up, the guy not suffering from physical exhaustion (some viral fever, actually) were to suddenly collapse, if anyone were to collapse, for that matter. I couldn't do anything else besides CPR.
I want to do something more. I want to be able to face a sickbay of patients and know what to do. Be able to do something about their conditions. Be able to do something for them - alleviate their pain and suffering.
I meant every word I wrote. And I will stand by what I have written for the rest of my lifetime.

And of course there were the contact with different doctors. I witnessed a change of doctors in Tengah while I was working there. The outgoing OC just did his job - he was a regular who prob regarded his stint in Tengah as a rung in his career ladder. He scolded patients, you know, who he thought were 'geng-ing'. Outgoing Dy-OC was a nice man who gave me his medicine book (Clinical Medicine) when he ORD-ed. Incoming doctors, both serving their NS, were nice people too, especially the Dy-OC, Dr Tan, whom I talked to quite a few times regarding my application and other stuff. He even brought me to National Neuroscience Institute in TTSH, where he worked a stint in. He's interested in neuro too, the medicine side of it.
I'd say they played a part in my decision to apply for medicine.

In the middle of the year though, some months just after I'd started my stint in Tengah, my grandpa passed away. I will not descibe the feelings I had then - its in my previous posts. (June 2004, should be around there)
It was a huge factor in my decision to do medicine. There was guilt - I could have done more for him in his later years; I could only take his pulse, helplessly, as his life seeped away from me, literally, that night. There was a fierce determination to want to be able to something for my parents before they reach that age. They had provided and cared so much for me, I was not going to be helpless - again - as they suffer from the ailments of old age in the future. I had seen my aunt care for my grandpa, as a daughter and doctor, and I was going to do the same as a son. There was also a realisation that hey, I was spending so much time thinking about the meaning of life - and here it was, staring at me right in the eye. I was privileged enough to be born in this comfortable environment, I was not going to waste it and say "hey, I'm just gonna make use of this and earn more money for myself".

And the tsunami came at the end of 2004. The blanket media coverage afforded of that proved beneficial for once. I wanted to do something for the victims, and for victims of natural catastrophes in the future. Not just material and/or monetary contributions. I volunteered when the army asked for a standby force that could be deployed in Indonesia; I had no hesitation when told my ORD date might be extended if I were to take part in that. I believe quite a few medics I know did that too.
And again I want to be able to do something more. As a doctor. Perhaps I should state this to remind myself in the future : I want to be one of the doctors working for the people, to fulfil my role as a fellow human being. I know this might be a tall order, but believe me I will try to fulfil this promise.

So yeah. Quite a long piece on why I decided to choose medicine. Well as a sidenote, the day of the interview for Manchester in KL, the professor and another doctor who were the 'panel' didn't believe me when I said I was an introvert. Apparently I had been so earnest in sharing my experiences as a medic that I was doing most of the talking.
Quite rare right. You see me in person and you know I'm not much of a talking person.
Well I'm proud of the fact I managed to impress them - not with flowery words, rehearsed lines (though I did draw up some pointers on what I planned to speak about, but didn't manage to, at all!) - but I guess with my passion for the subject.

I know it sounds quite bhb. That's why I didn't want to write on this until today, when I was reminded of all these after watching that show - Tuesdays with Morrie - just now.

Did another blood test today, finally have got a diagnosis. I'm down with mononucleosis. Glandular Fever. Or the "kissing" disease, as it is known commonly (will elaborate later).
Basically there's no treatment for this disease, from what my aunt's told me. Anti-biotics help dat wee bit, but its up to my immunity system to get it right. And let my body burn in the meantime. Or consume panadol lah.
OK why is it called the 'kissing' disease? 'Cause its contagious, spread by saliva.
No I have NOT been kissing random infected people out on the street. Or Anyone, for dat matter :P
But yeah I'm fine guys, I'll prob jus miss a few days more of work. Spend some quality time alone as I don't want to spread the disease to you people.

Notice the time lapse since I last posted? Well I've been sick.
Really sick, in fact.
Some figures for your perusal:

(Money I've spent)
On medical fees : $185
Lost Pay so far : $64 x 5 = $320
(Time I've spent)
Sleeping : 18 (average) x 5 = 90 hours
Awake/Semi-conscious: 30 hours
Outside home : 3. Today, when I brought my grandma, sis and bro out for lunch.

Can see how pathetic my past week has been rite.

Its rambutan season again! The rambutan tree's filling up with fresh succulent (soon-to-be) bright red rambutans!

But with the rambutans come the crows. I'm serious, somehow once the rambutans start popping out the crows will come. Nasty f*$@-ing crows that destroy numerous innocent young rambutans. Deprive them of the right to be enjoyed by their rightful masters.

Now how I wish I had a shotgun with me so I can go 'BANG!' everytime I see a disgusting black crow. Take a piece of 'em. Literally.

OK yes I'm sick. No, seriously. I'm down with some viral fever. Been bothering me for days. So that kinda explains the weird twisted violent thoughts.

Kinda.

Of Birds And Fish

Spent some time gazing at my ex-neighbour's pool today¹. Spotted some cute birds (sparrows?) trying to poison themselves with the ex-pool water. They seemed to be enjoying themselves, chirping along happily, when suddenly this mynah stopped next to them and started squawking at them. Scared them away. And started to poison itself too, of course, happily.
Led me to think, do birds share a common language? I mean, there are so many different species of birds, do they share similar 'words' in their various 'languages'? Or is it the tone in which something is said that puts the meaning across? Like when you say 'kan ni nah bei chao ji bai', a non-Hokkien person will still sort of get you and back off? But humans have like so many facial muscles to contort and distort, I don't recall learning about the various maxillo-facial muscles in the common bird?
Hmm perhaps an ornithologist can enlighten me.
(Perhaps you'd like to take a look at this if you're interested/bored)

And oh visited my uncle's house for dinner tonight. Apparently his koi do backflips in the water like dolphins do. I'm serious, I saw two of them (or one koi, twice) do just that while I was there. My cousin kindly informed me that yes, they do do that quite often.
And I thought only dolphins possessed the necessaryintelligencee to get bored of swimming and think of acrobatic tricks to do to entertain themselves.
But come to think of it, backflips should be quite fun for bored fish. Just imagine yourself as a fish - when you're doing a backflip out of water, you're actually depriving yourself of oxygen for the very few seconds you're in the air. Should be kinda like the adrenaline rush you experience when you bungee-jump?
Anyways. Perhaps fish (in general) are smarter than we think they are.

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¹My ex-neighbour's house is currently un-occupied. It has a pool. Or what used to be a pool. Now the water is green and somewhat murky. I'm sure if I decide to be civic-minded and release some fish into the ex-pool (to prevent the growth of mosquito larvae, of course) it'll be an interesting case study for primary school science students. I can just imagine the title : A Semi-Artificial Water Habitat.

Ooh I must share this interesting nugget of information I gleaned while talking to some colleagues (KZ and KC) at lunch the other day. Apparently in school I usually have this "Don't disturb me or I'll kill you" look while busying around.

Looks like I've perfected this look at last.

;D

I drive to (and from) work almost everyday now that my father's overseas. The hours spent on the roads are good times for observation and reflection. Often in that order.
I've noticed that the stretch from Bukit Panjang to Mandai has been recently re-paved. Led me to think about the times I've spent on the *road in other countries.
Singapore's road system (?) is really terrific, you know, when you compare it to those of other countries. For example. America's roads... well I should just say you Do need cars that offer 'comfortable rides' on them. The UK's too. Malaysia's highways are better, in my opinion, but then you need to pay quite an amount just to travel on them.
So I'm not against the recent increase in ERP timings/prices. We Do need some source of funds to pay for the raw materials, foreign talents that work on them, as well as to upkeep the system itself.

Now on a totally unrelated topic. When you invest a huge amount in something, you Will want to recoup your initial losses, as well as to maximise your profits in the future right? Once you've got something in place, why not try to squeeze maximum profit from it, when your profit ceiling is determined by you yourself, not your customers?**

And on another totally unrelated topic, I just got to know that my uncle has been caught speeding so many times that his driving license is on the verge of being suspended. My mum's using this anecdote to warn me not to speed. 'So many cameras everywhere now' is what she often says.
Coincidentally I browsed through the traffic police website recently. There seems to be cameras on every road I've ever travelled on.
And to list out the penalties for speeding:
Exceeding speed limit of road up to 20km/h : $130, 4 points.
" " " " " from 20-30km/h: $150, 6 points.
" " " " " from 30-40km/h: $170, 8 points.
" " " " " above 40 km/h: Prosecuted in court. (More money + points)

Guess I'll just have to satisfy my speed cravings in Malaysia. No money to afford the fines sia.


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*As a passenger - where you get even more time to think, without the trepidation and stress you have to endure as a driver (esp in singapore) - but that's another post.

** Jus thought of this example. Let's say I'm the company in charge of lockers at a swimming pool. Now you know that if you don't put your valuables in the lockers, you are responsible for your own losses. And there's no spectator stands or places to sit like the public swimming pools you have here.
So basically I have this monopoly of valuable-keeping. To improve the safety of Your valuables, I have recently changed the locks to hgh-tech ones that are highly key-specific, and impervious to tampering by vandals. Its natural that I have to raise prices, since the lockers are of such high quality, right? Since I'm running a company and Am looking for profits, I have to pass the cost on.
Oh and this makes me think of something else. Though I am running a public service for you, and I am already making some profits originally, I Do have to raise my prices to maintain my profitibility. I Am running a service for you, you know. You don't want me to collapse, do you. Not when my, no, Your, high-tech lockers are the envy of all swimming pools around the area.

Anyone game for the Tree-top walk anytime soon?
Feel like doing some exercise. Breathe some fresh air.

Its wonderful what a 5-hour sleep in the afternoon can do for you.
I feel so... serene now.
No ill-will towards that person at work. (It's not personal, just work)
No worries about the amount of work left undone. (Not much, actually.)
No lack of anticipation about the pay I'll recieve in two days' time. (Have a concrete plan as to how to spend it - in its entirety - now)

Ah. *contented sigh*

Haven't blogged for a whole week.
Been real busy.

Quick summary of my life:

Mon-Tues : Work, work and more work.

Wed: More work, but the Maths HOD trusted me with her car and let me drive to the Science Centre to film some stuff. Realised two things - People somehow trust me and the Nissan Sunny sucks. Engine has no power.

Thurs: Got so fed up with work, coupled with a lack of sleep, that I exploded in the Lab. Shouted at the students. Threatened to kick them all out if I were to hear more noise. Then slammed the door.
Think Everyone was shocked.
I was shocked to hear myself. All the correct voice projection techniques I'd learnt in speech and presentation lessons; commanding/threatening tone I'd picked up in army; the anger and frustration I'd stored up the last few weeks - all came out.
Yes I was seething mad.

Fri: Not so much work. And got to know an interesting nugget of information from a colleague today. Apparently Mark's Mum has been stressing my 'good points' to the office. Her, especially. And making not-too-subtle hints about my eligibility.
Muhahaha.....

I must Really look like a nice boy to her huh? :D

Pity I have no interest in her.

Now, if Mark's Mum were to recommend me to her teachers.... I don't mind mature women? ;)

i've been really busy these few weeks. with work.
yeah i'm serious.
been working late nights (until 6 or 7) and feel like damn shagged out almost every day after work.
still had to bring/fetch/send my sis and bro to/from tuition.
damn tiring, i tell u.
(wonder how my mum managed to do this for so long)

and this isnt even my chosen profession.

cant imagine myself when i've got my med degree yah.

oh! a HOD was asking me today ('cause i was still in school at 6) why i didnt have a date, when its a nice fri evening.
told her "not this month".
whole room of HODs were laughing.

and oh she wanted to introduce some girls to me.

well.

if i didn't have jus 20 bucks left in my bank account and 10 bucks with me* to last till june 7th i'd haf jumped at the oppurtunity.

wait i'd haf had a date today.

i'd haf had Several by today, actually.

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*I got 550 bucks for my pay last month.
$200 for my traffic fine
$205 for my insurance
$45 for fuel
=$100 to last the month.

:(

One thing you can do when you're really bored : Read Spam mail.

It can be quite amusing you know.

For example, I just received this mail yesterday. Its title proclaimed : "Every man mus have a sex!!! MUS!!!!"

erm. in this age of political correctnes perhaps that's abit strong huh? i mean... there are in-betweens...?

yah lah. it was trying to sell some sex site.

Oh and the "bank" and "credit card" mails.

At last count I have American Express, Diner's, Discover And Visa cards that require "verification".

And I've a home to mortgage for up to 110% of its value!!!

Not to mention (pre-)payday loans of up to 10 times my current pay!!!

Did I mention I can get cheap medication from Canada too? Like "Viagra".

*One word of advice though - if you want to read spam mails for fun, don't click those that have attachments. They're... not really fun.

I feel quite strongly about accents, actually.

I am in awe of those who can speak with neutral accents. Pure, crisp english untainted by local dialect and slang. Haven't met many who can speak like that. 'Cause I believe to speak with no accent, you have to be supremely confident in your language. You can't mask your inadequacies (grammar or pronunciation) , rather, you need no mask to conceal those flaws, for you will have none (or close to none) if you can speak perfect neutral english.

And I despise people who put on fake accents thinking that their grotesque grammatical errors will be hidden beneath that oh-so-posh British or (usually) American "x-cent".

No its not like I'm elitist - people with bad grammar deserve to die! - but I believe that it shows something when you don't bother to at least try correcting your basics, but instead feel that you're above others just because you possess a half-decent Southern drawl or some quasi-African American vocab.

I'm not talking about those who put on accents when speaking to caucasians - I know its impossible to have a half-decent conversation with most of them in singapore-accented english, I've tried - I'm talking about those who speak to fellow singaporeans in those pseudo-accents.

I know I may seem kinda hypocritical here - I do put on some weird accent subconsciously sometimes when I speak - but believe me, I try to stop myself when that happens. I believe that if your english is of a decent standard, you should be able to code-switch; if you have some self-respect, you will not consciously put on a pseudo-accent to show that you're better than the rest. 'Cause if you do you really aren't.

Just a general rant, actually. Felt like writing something vaguely argumentative so yeah. Oh I prob was influenced by 3 straight hours of Bookworm. (Level 12 at last!! Yay!!! :D)

I just realised something - Go listen to Howie Day's Collide and and Billie Myer's Kiss the Rain. One after the other.
;)

Well I wouldn't say its a rip-off lah. And don't really care.
Sometimes you're just in the mood for such sappy songs.
It's like...working in a secondary school like I do, you get frequent flashbacks of ages ago... Then you just feel so old.
You look at their IC numbers, which I have to do daily, and you realise just how much older you are. Oldest starts with 88.
In fact, most of the kids I come into contact with have their IC numbers start with 9.
I feel Ancient sia.

Don't know why but it seems like I can't stop laughing today.
Was suppressing sudden bouts of almost-uncontrollable grinning the whole day.
Exploded when one of my 'heads' showed me a drawing of her students' drawings. She wanted to digitise' them.
I don't know, perhaps it was the way she described her lofty ambitions for the drawings, or perhaps it was the drawings themselves, I burst out laughing and couldn't stop for ages.
Seriously. I must have embarrassed myself terribly (lucky there weren't any other teachers there), but I just couldn't control myself.
The endagered siberian tiger one group drew was exactly like those cute cuddly cats you see on KidsCentral!!!
And a 'rabbit'...which looked like a succulent roasted pig... she didn't help by mentioning 'stew' (something about rabbits disappearing into stews?)... haha
Still can't stop grinning now.
Muhahaha....

On a lighter note.
Read this!
http://sg.news.yahoo.com/050424/5/singapore144225.html
For some reason I find it damn funny.
OK maybe it's jus cause I'm in this I'm-not-happy-with-the-way-this-world-works kinda mood today.
Just feel like ranting against something - no, everything - lah.
Yes some people might classify this kind of mood as 'bitchy'. Or 'grouchy'.
Perhaps its jus the horrible hot humid weather today. Or it was 'cause Southampton lost today without a fight. And probably is gonna get relegated. As I predicted in 2002.
But anyways. Can't find anything else to grouse about. (Oh perhaps the US's inability to convince itself that smoke from exhaust pipes IS harmful, and 4-by-4s are meant for the jungles, non-concrete ones. But that... I'll leave to another day.)
Have a nice day.

Jus heard Britney Spear's "Do Something" again on the radio. Got reminded of the mtv.
It's just wrong I tell you. Her promoters/managers/whoever's manipulating her wardrobe, image and G-strings behind the scenes.
You know the gradual transition from innocent teeny-bopper to grown-up sexpot? I think its so damn wrong.
If I were a conspiracy theorist I would say those people are subverting young girls' minds by firstly drawing them to her, then when they've got them hooked line and sinker they lead them on, unsuspectingly, towards an amoral lifestyle where sex appeal and slick dance moves rule over actual success in society.
But I'm not. So I'll just say that this... all-too-common trend of meta-morphing images for pop idols isn't morally correct. It probably Is necessary for pop idols to extend their appeal to new demographics with each new album, as well as to 'grow up' with their core group of fans.
It still is not correct.

Realise I'm pretty chinese at heart. Its like no matter how messed up my chinese is (and it prob is very) I'll still use it as my preferred means of communication with most of my pals. I mean, I guess I can be pretty much at home with English, and can even fake an accent or two... but I don't know... it seems like Chinese just acts that little more intimacy in a conversation, esp with your close friends?
And its not just the usage of Chinese as a language. All the Chinese customs, food, culture... all that I can't leave behind.
I need to have regular contact with friends who are more 'traditional' in their outlook towards life, to stay grounded.
That's prob why I'm gonna come back after my studies. And why my mum insisted she wanted me to be born here in Singapore. (I was 'conceptualised' in England. Prob would haf turned out quite different if i was born there.)

Ah well. Had a great time today. Thanks babe! :)

I've come to realise this - I can't think seriously when I'm happy. Its like your higher mental functions just shut down when you reach a certain state of bliss.
Maybe I should try this next time somebody gets into an argumentative mood. Do something absolutely stupid and hilarious when somebody disagrees with me on some thing or another. Or start to grin or laugh abruptly.
Hmm. *thoughtful look*

Just turned on the radio when I heard Girls Aloud®'s latest attempt at a sappy love song. (Quite successful, actually, imho)
Well there's this line that goes like "'cause I've been to the dark side too".
Suddenly recalled a recent Foxtrot® strip.
Hehe. :D

Just saw a video which the greenridge students prepared. A CIP trip to China. Was really touched.
Man I just feel like doing something similar soon.
Anyone want to do the same? :)

OK now that I've got the politically correct stuff out of the way.

I've got overtime pay!

I think it was because I complained (conveniently) a bit too loudly to the clerks whilst Mark's Mum (yes intentional Caps there :P) was in some corner of the office talking to some other people.

At last I'm gonna get some compensation for the long hours I've worked so far. I tell you, I've not gone off on the dot Any single day since I've started work.

So yeah. More money.

Yay!!!

Finally got the lyrics to this song I just Lurve!!!
It's I'm Not In Love by the Fun Lovin' Criminals.

But. I just realised I can't put it here. I may get sued for copyright infringement.

So yeah. I'll jus do my bit as a responsible listener who listens to original CDs and urge you to go buy their CD. Or listen to this song. It's great.

And yeah. Please don't download it from the web without authorisation.

Let's stop piracy.

Hafta leave home by 630 tomorrow!!!!
Gotta send my bro and sis to school!!!!
That means i gotta wake up by 530!!!!
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling pretty down today.
Got saddled down with quite some work in the day - though its still manageable - and met with this major mishap. Think the teachers' opinion of me now are like jus gone, man.
Oh jus in case you'd like to know, there was assembly today. I was supposed to help out the AVA members set-up the audio/visual systems. You never knew I was proficient in such stuff? Well. I know nuts about it.
So yah. One of the performances (belly dancers and percussionists from outside) required music. Well the music was in the laptop. And everybody thought it was in the control room. So yah confusion reigned and the students got quite dissatisfied. No matter. Just as I was about to go down to perhaps save some face for the IT people, the power tripped.
Blackout.
Didn't know what the HECK I was supposed to do. Asked around for the mains and nobody knew where it was.
Ran down, let everybody see my panicked face, went back up. Power came back.
And tripped again.
Ran down again, showed my helpless face, problem was solved by somebody else again.

When assembly was over, I had to ask the IT head and the operations manager how to solve similar problems in the future. They looked amused. Knew I was new lah.
But what I can't get over is the fact that I was hired to help out with AVA, amongst other stuff. I'm supposed to be quite an expert in this area.
Feel I've like let Mark's mum down by showing that I don't know anything. Thereby reinforcing the idea that I got in just by connections.
Damn.

And oh attended El's 21st bday party in the evening. Kau knew like nobody there lah. Whoever I knew were in their cliques. So ended up eating and acting cool (when I was all hot and bothered, standing next to the tea-lamps - no place else to stand) whilst waiting for Mitch to come. And ended up eating and acting cool together with him whilst waiting for Dee.
Went in, found places to sit on the couch. Bad idea. Bunch of people we didn't know crowded around. Not enough space to squeeze my butt on the couch. Ended up in this awkward half-butt-on-the-couch-and-half-in-the-air position. For quite some time.

Anyways. Was quite interesting lah, the party. Though I didn't get to know any pretty girls. Wasn't introduced by the host lah. :(

Well another adult now. Another initiate to the sad facts of adult life.

Damn I'm just feeling damn down lah. Sigh.

Starting work tomorrow!
Yay!!!!

No its not 'cause I'm a total workaholic. If you can pay me to slack hey I wouldn't mind slacking.
Yeah its the money. Not much, but well its an adequate amount. Hopefully.

Am reminded of Ms Sutherland's description of this particular Indian tribe where they spend an extortionate amount of time preparing these blankets with elaborate designs - lots of 'em - before having this ritual one night where they set fire to 'em and have this huge bonfire where they dance and prance around singing songs.
Kinda like money, you know? Our spending of money that is.

In this present world wrecked by consumerism and its insidious effects.... bleah don't feel like crapping today.

Shall sleep. Need energy to work tomorrow.

Oh I know this is gonna be DAMN bhb but can some girl enlighten me regarding my looks?
I'm really curious. So please.

1. Do I...
a. Look like a little boy? OK younger than my age.
OR
b. Look more mature than my age?

2. Am I...
a. Handsome?
OR
b. Cute. (Yeah, Ugly but adorable :P)
OR
c. None of the above.

OK why do I need to know? 'Cause I'm confused. Seriously. And I need to know how to act. I mean, if I look 'cute' its no point initiating serious conversations; spouting philosophical half-truths and generally acting suave rite?
It just wouldnt work would it?

Once again, I feel the need for social contact.
Especially with girls.
Craving.

Once again, I am broke.

If all goes well, I'll have a job by Tuesday. $5 an hour. "Technical Officer"'s the official name.
Dignified term for AVA rep +/- computer tutor (if I can manage it.)

Anyone interested in attending music performances with me? Girls OR guys. Don't really care.

I am so. Damn. Bored today.

Watched Be Cool today. Alone.
Jus felt like it lah. Then haf been waiting to watch the movie.
Well the movie theater was quite empty. Seriously, I could count the number of people there (4 others) before 6 others popped in midway between the ads.
Two single middle-aged people (of the opp sex), and one young couple.
Yes and I had time to think as well. (Advertisement time took eternity. AND they're raising prices. Prob to pay for dat 'sponsored' ad for the singaporean army huh? :P)
Oh well.
Thought of something I read somewhere. "Men are social creatures." (And women.)

Led me to think about school and work. You know how you always reminisce your schooldays? Like no matter how bad they are, they always harbour some... soft spots in your heart. And then you enter the workforce, u feel so... alone?
Sure both school and the workplace provide the backdrop for social interaction.
But. In school you have a common 'enemy' - your teachers with their incessant demands for results and horrendous homework. In the workplace you're basically forced to cohabit with your competitors. Sure you have your superiors to answer to, and subordinates to manipulate with. But can you find any true 'allies'? Can you make true friends in the workplace, and even if you can, what happens when there is a conflict of interest, eg when you're competing for the same project/honours?
I'm not saying its not possible to find worthy friends in the workplace of course.
But my limited experience in working (in the medical centre - its not even 'real' work) has already shown me the... intricate politics that can take place in a, well, workplace.
I've even got quite good at it, u know. Currying favour (from everyone) without appearing to do so; 'smoking' ur clients, basically beating around a thick bougainvillea bush hoping they'd get lost in there; assuring superiors you're better than you really are.
I also find myself putting on, no, showing, rather, a side of myself I don't show outside work. Its like this... professional side, you know?
Its like you don't mix work with leisure?
Is it just me?
(OK I know I took army too seriously. But I mean generally, in the working world.)

Anyways.
Blog getting too long. And that was the gist of my thoughts in that 10 mins or so of advert time anyways.

Oh. Be Cool's quite nice lah. Its got the pre-requisite babe (Uma's HOT!!! Can't imagine she's 41!!!) and beefcakes (Lots of 'em). And a pretty decent storyline. Though I'd prefer more double-crossing and weird coincidences like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Luuurved that movie.
So yeah. Worth your $6.50 (on a weekday afternoon, for now).
Next up on my to-watch list - The Pacifier.
Can't forget that scene - LAND!!!!!!!!
;)

Had my first 'clubbing' experience tonight. China Black. Got in for free. (Thanks samantha! :D)
Got to say... I've always said I dislike clubbing? Well tonight just proves it.
Perhaps I wasn't sufficiently inebriated¹; perhaps it was just the music (R & B)², but I just didn't like it there. Had to exit after like 10 minutes? (found a reason to escape - mum called)
So yeah. Guess I'm not the clubbing type after all.
Oh went to edward's bday party today. Had indian food. haha... Have to say this was nicer though; there's just something about eating with your hands, and not utensils. Quite interesting heh.
And oh. Realised that arts girls Are more chio than science girls. :P
---------------------------------------------------------------
¹ Bought a bottle of cider. 'Extra high alcoholic content - 8.4%' . Sucks I tell you. OK maybe the fact that it wasn't cold didn't help, but cider... jus didn't live up to my expectations. I mean, come on man, I like apples and its juice, particularly, but give me a taste of cider and its like.. that???
Give me my long island iced tea anytime man.
Oh. I couldn't finish the 330ml bottle. Drank like half of it before passing it to szehan for disposal. He managed to get a grand total of 1 person to have a taste before he threw it away.
² I have Fatboy Slim in my car and I groove to it while I drive. Notice groove instead of dance. I'll need something waaaaaay more than R&B to get me dancing. (Wanted to go like R&B??? DANCE??? WHAT??? but decided to be more civilised.)

Oh bro fell sick today. Plans to swim, then study (yes, study!) in the library were scuttled.
Damn.
Oh well. Gives me another excuse to slack another day. And another chance to feel damn low at night for wasting yet another day.
Oh well.

Several things I wanna do (but prob won't, so soon) :
1. Get a tattoo.
Yep I wanna get a tattoo. Prob of my chinese name - 渊. Why? To identify my body in case I get killed doing charity work in Afghanistan. Yeah rite. I'm serious. About the first part dat is. Save the need for DNA testing and all dat. And of course not jus dat lah. Its like... I'm proud of my name? I wanna remind myself - constantly - of who I am, what I am, and why I'm living my life as I am? Don't really know how to explain it lah.
Yeah you'll prob go "Why the heck do you need to get a tattoo jus for dat??" Dunno. I guess its also jus a primal instinct to be inflicted pain and go "hey i survived!" and be proud of it. No not just being cool (btw I'm gonna watch dat movie. Definitely.), but also... I dunno. Ask most people who haf done tattoos why they've done so and you'll prob receive some dodgy answer. If at all.

2. Get my hair dyed / highlighted green.
I dislike people dying their hair blonde/brown. OK not dislike, its more like... EVERYONE's dying their hair blonde/brown! What's the point in dat??? I mean, I'm gonna be in a place where EVERYONE (almost) is gonna have blonde/brown hair, so I'm Definitely not gonna have hair of those colours.
And I like green.
And I wanna dye/highlight cause? I like Bill Clinton's explanation of his erm affair. Great reason in my opinion.

3. I wanna grow a goatee.
OK I did grow one. And I was damn happy with it!!!! But had to shave it off jus cause i was going back to camp. I Will grow it back once I officially ORD I tell you. :P
(Oh this technically fits under the heading as I only ORD (officially, i Must stress) 9 days from now. Not so soon.

4. I wanna have sex.
OK I shall not elaborate on this. Have had too many posts bemoaning my horny-ness. So yeah.

I'm So so so so so so happy tonight.
Seriously.
Its like, just today, I've realised how close my close friends actually are? They're just... they just do so much for me, willingly, without complaint or even any thought?
I feel so blessed :D
And the people who came today... I'm just really glad they came today. Every single one of them. I didn't expect my ex-og mates to come... the 2 scholar dudes with whom i had some limited contact... dee... el... 6k...6g dudes and babes (I've come to like this term haha)... pri school mates... alex... army guys... sze, tuan, so many more.......
Oh man... I'm so touched...
Can't cry lah :P but... i dunno. thinking of the time i'm gonna spend overseas... leaving all the friends i've made here... oh man.
But then again... i'm jus so happy tonight. :D

Collection of random events happening in my life / thoughts:

Oh had chilli and butter crab, prawn with oats (麦片虾), pork ribs, mushrooms and fried rice for dinner tonight. Relative's visiting lah.
(Oh at this coffeeshop in Ang Mo Kio. You know the one opposite the old Ai Tong? Or Mayflower sec. I think. Uncle Leong's seafood. Nice.)

Gonna get fat sia.

Oh Grandma's leaving for Australia tomorrow. For quite some time. Will prob get unlimited use of the car.

Jus imagine the expression on my face now. *picture a WIDE grin*

But oh I've become the de-facto driver for the family. Ferrying my sis and bro to and from tuition, dad to dinners/functions and mum to work.

Sigh. As they say... with great power comes great responsibility.

Sis was trying to waste her handphone battery today. Asked me to take some photos and select one such that she could use one for her addressbook. Had quite some fun, and particularly like this one that she says 破坏 my 形相.
Its damn cartoonish lah. According to her.
Haha pity she doesnt have the usb equipment (costs over $70, she elected not to buy) otherwise I'd Definitely post it on this blog.
Damn funny! Haha

Oh you should listen to the Fun Lovin Criminals. And Gomez. Very nice.

Franz Ferdinand too.

Oh my goatee's progressing well! Still looks quite pitiful but it should be good by my birthday lah. If I don't cut it off by then.

I realise I'm blabbering. Combination of caffeine from the chinese tea I just took, fatigue and a refusal to allow my sister to use the com (chatting is not good!!! :P).

OK she's gone to bed.

Had 3 cups of coffee and a glass of Coke today. Long story, prefer not to dwell on unhappy events but in short, had one in the morning (to wake up), one espresso in the british council and one at swensens (+ the coke) at lunch.
I don't know whether it was the caffeine or wat, suddenly felt DAMN horny just before dinner time.
Prob was the caffeine. Absorption time and all that.

This is very wrong.

Very very wrong.

I like looking at people. Looking into people's eyes, rather. The simple act of making eye contact - it expresses so much, yet reveals so little.
For example, when you're eating (say with a pal) and you look around. You happen to cast a glance at the pretty lady sitting at the next table. You make eye contact. She brushes her hair self-consciously.
Does that constitute flirting?
Doesn't matter. You think, hope, rather, that she Is flirting with you. And she probably is.
(Oh pummel me with comments, women. :D)

I'll really like to know what goes on inside a girl's mind when a guy looks at her, rather, into her eyes, actually.

Oh spent a totally fruitful day today. Sent Mum to Raffles Place (She didn't want to drive to this seminar - just as well heh), went to NUH to remove my stitches for the wisdom tooth op.
Then met up with guohao, read up some medicine stuff. Think I Can actually get back into the hang of mugging. If I really put in the effort. Heh.

Oh then had dinner with me grandma, mum and sis! Looked at some stuff around Raffles City after that. Totally enjoyable! Heh.

Totally man. Jus love today.

Starting to enjoy my free life. Heh.

Thought a lot. (I think when I'm free lah. Can't help it.)

Ah. Too much to say.

Oh I'm trying to grow a goatee. Still in its infancy of course, but haha I'll see how far it can go before I get tired of it. Think it makes me look more mature. Haha

Oh Do come to my bday party!!! The effort I've put in in sending out the invitations... Appreciate it lah? :P

Think i'm getting to be a workaholic.
I'm totally free this week - no need to go to camp, work, etc.
Spent today rotting at home, looking around for things to do.
Played a few hours of computer games.
Felt bored. Drove to Thomson Plaza. Bought stuff.
Didn't find any game I like.

I'm BORED!!!!!!!!! I need something to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got my 4 wisdom teeth extracted yesterday. Did it under General Anasthesia, but didn't experience any ill effects when I woke up. (Felt a bit groggy though for quite some time even after the op).

Surprisingly, there wasn;t much pain at all! I mean, sure I can't eat now (Feels Quite uncomfortable when I try to open my mouth) but aside from that, I'm fine! Even went shopping jus now. Yeah for milk.

And saw Fann Wong AND Christopher Lee today! At the carpark of Thomson Plaza. I was like waiting for Christopher Lee to finish unloading his stuff (didn't recognise him at first), then saw him go back to put the trolley.. saw him talk to this vvvvverry thin girl... then ey! Recognised them! Interesting ah? Behaved quite like a couple. *in a gossipy tone* haha

Oh u ever heard of this PRC singer called Gao Lang? Or something like dat. With dat signature voice. 苍桑, i think they call it. Don't really know the english equivalent of it. But yeah. Father was playing his CD inside the car. Don't know why but I jus thought of this scene in Warriors of Heaven and Earth. Where this guy, with his group trapped behind a barricade, facing a large enemy and having had no water to drink for days, volunteers to pick up a bag of water the enemy has thrown to taunt them. Gets killed, of course, once he gets the bag and turns back towards his commrades.

I don't know why, perhaps its was the combination of his song and the imagery in my brain, I just had this urge to cry.

Oh went to this performance today. Dame Gilian Weir. On the esplanade's pipe organ.
Damn impressive.
The pipe organ. You should really go see/listen to it one day. Seriously.

Anyways. Saw a lot of st nick's girls, ang mohs and people dressed nicely. As in you could see they were people of some "class" or "repute" lah.

As some of the pieces weren't that impressive (to me), I had quite some time to think of some stuff.
OK clarification here, the pieces were actually fantastic. She displayed a technical expertise and virtuosity I've seen only once before; her playing was subtle, yet forceful; the music evoked scenes of jubilation, solemnity and serenity (different pieces of course) and the impressive acoustics of the place accentuated the marvellous accents and nuances of the music....

I'm jus... too boorish to like all dat lah.

OK. So thoughts.

1. Yay! They're promoting cultural appreciation and all that stuff in schools!!! (Very brief thought) But why are they in UNIFORM?! I mean... esplanade... uniform...?????

2. Singaporean audiences are just.... not mature enough to attend cultural performances. I'm totally serious about this, I was very close to shouting "SHUT UP!!!" in the middle of the performance. There were shuffling noises (of What I don't know), sounds of people leafing through their booklets (During the performance! And Loudly!!!) and incessant coughing.
Coughing is OK, but I don't believe coughs get worse during the "quieter" sections of pieces.
Its like you can tell they're uncomfortable with those sections lah. And have to like do something to make themself more at ease / ease their boredom.
Come on, man, I was bored too. But I believe you have to show respect to the performer, even if you don't appreciate the music he/she is performing.
You know there were some sections where I was just about to immerse myself in the music (seriously!) when a stupid cough jus spoilt my whole mood?
Damn pissed off about it.

3. You know like attending social functions are a sign of your, well, social status rite? Well I've been thinking, are there many people out there who attend such performances jus to get noticed by others? To show their "appreciation for the arts", and to create conversation topics. I mean, you can't talk about soccer (Oh Liverpool sucks!!!) with your fellow party-goers rite.
And which led to my other thought, so Why is it some topics are not conversation-worthy for the rich and famous? Why the need for special exclusive ones that only they can talk about? Isn't there more to life than the latest fashion line from Godknowswho or the price of some worthless commodity? Is it an inferior complex in disguise?
Or is it just a human instinct? A desire to be above others. To be part of an exclusive group.
Am I going to turn out just like that? Spout rubbish over worthless liquids marketed like holy water? (Yes I'm referring to fine wine. Social drinking of wine is jus detrimental to your health lah. Admit it.)

4. I will Not turn out to be just another member of the above-mentioned. My life will be more than just the pursuit of wealth and exclusivity.
And I will try to change, from now on.

You know, I should feel happy that I've been accepted to Manchester? It's medicine! It's a good university! There's positive vibes about that place!

I dunno. Maybe its just... I haven't done enough, or seen enough of Manchester? Compared to Duke. I went there, spoke with the professors there, spent so much effort on the admissions process....
Manchester? I wrote my personal statement on the very deadline, in jus one morning. Went to the interview. Jus... spoke to the interviewers about my medic life.
And I got in.
And I haven't recieved the letter from Duke.

Its like, my brain tells me, hey you LIKE wat you're doing now, you're Good at what you're doing, and you Want to do it for a purpose!
And my heart tells me I like Duke. And as long as I haven't received any letter, I still have a chance.
OK its jus a general feeling. You can't really describe your feelings accurately can you? (But that's another story/post.)

Its kinda dumb lah. In the end I'll jus go with my brain¹ and probably will look back and think "oh what was all that about" in a few years/months time. But still... sigh.
I'm too emotional lah I guess. (Yes, underneath it all :P)

---------------------------------------------------------------------
¹Yes. Brain. Not head. Your head is much more than your brain, and the rest of your head has nothing to do with your thought processes (in this aspect), unless you speak to yourself, which is of course a different story.

I've been offered a place in Manchester. Medicine.

Hmm.

A lot to say... but I'll just let it sink in first.

Wow.

met a girl today.
have to... get her out of my head.
argh.

-------------------

oh. met my father's godbrother's family for a short while. They were like leaving when I got home.
His daughter jus reminds me of this ex-classmate I know. Who I would have pursued if I had more guts and an elevated testosterone level in JC. And well, a desire/desperate need to get hitched.

------------------

Note: These are two unrelated girls.
And I'm no pervert.
But I realise my hormones are working on overtime tonight. ¹

------------------

¹Yes for your information they rarely do. I'm quite an asexual person actually. OK was.
I repeat², its amazing what Army does to you.

²See my previous posts (a while back)³

³Yes I've been reading too much Terry Pratchett.

Did some Major spring-cleaning today. Disposed of quite a bit of rubbish I'd been keeping for years, like old test papers, compositions and comprehensions.
(Oh why did I keep them, you ask? Erm. Ask my mum?)
Discovered that I have quite a flair for writing narrative essays. Well, at least that's what my teachers indicated in their comments/scores. ;)
Particularly liked this essay in which I described an ant, his insatiable craving for sugar (oh! imagine his unadulterated joy at sinking his teeth into the pure, precious grains he had sought so long for!) and his journey from his home to a tub of sugar.
Oh got the inspiration from seeing an actual dead ant wallowing (ok i imagined dat) in my container of sugar.
Ah how i miss narrative compositions.
*and a lonely tear inched his way pensively, wistfully down his cheek*

But oh!!!!

There Are certain parts to my character that I don't, and won't, reveal on my blog.

Yeah, my good points, basically.

I'm a very humble person you know. :D

Hmm. Do I know you, icymistral? Interesting message you left me there.

Well. Am I more than my entries? I would say no, actually.

If you do actually read every one of my posts, you Will get a pretty good idea of who I am as a person.

No I don't earn extra credit/cash for every "past posts" link you click there. :P

I'm on duty on Valentine's Day!

And I've been forced to go to this deployment from the 21st to the 23rd of this month!

Been forced to shift my extraction to the 4th of march!

Feeling damn pissed.

Why can't they just FUCKING leave me alone???

I'm about to ORD damnit.

Oh I'm allowed to swear and curse aren't I? CNY's not exactly here so soon.

Did I mention that UNC has rejected me?

And I had the greatest confidence tbat I would enter UNC, if not Duke or Manchester.

Perhaps I'll stay in singapore after all, even after all this talk.

Attended my australian cousin's wedding dinner (well, sorta) tonight.

Tasted XO for the first time.

Bleah.

Sweet, bitter, and with a taste that pierces your tongue, why would Anyone like XO???

Tried diluting with Coca-cola.

Ever tasted bitter coca-cola? :P

Pondered about the meaning of life again today.

Read Tuesdays with Morrie again.

Thought more about the meaning of life.

Oh the song by Bread? It's titled "If".

Thanks christina. :)

Oh i've done a major clean-up of my desk. Found some old... poems? lyrics? I composed a few years back. I'd like to jot them down here before I throw the cards away.

-----------------
The gift of life they say has come
In tables, capsules made-to-order
Gorge yourselves on them - they've no side effects
Liver damage, heart cirrosis all but detractions.

----------------
I just can't understand you.
Tried so hard
Achieved ur aims
Did irreversible damage to your body and soul.
What do you want from this life?
Lofty targets, forbidden riches, self-destruction
You've accomplished it all....

---------------
Now that I've released myself
From this plague accursed
I've never felt so much better

---------------

Pretty bad, I'd admit they are. But well I'd say they describe some of my thoughts, and they certainly stimulated some neural channels, triggered some chemical response, and helped me utilise my brain jus dat little bit more.

OK lah. i jus wanted to post something new. Satisfied? :P

hmm jus got reminded dat i havent updated this blog for quite a while.

well. summary of my life :

- Waiting for ORD. April 9th's the exact date; having my wisdom teeth removed on the 18th of Feb and not going back to work after that.
- Waiting to have my wisdom teeth extracted. In Apprehension.
- Oh cause they're all gonna be removed at one shot. All 4. Was informed that I wouldn't be able to eat after dat for a few days.
- Oh did i mention waiting to ORD?

now u see why i haven't been updating my blog don't u.

I've wanted to write about this for a long time.

Euthanasia.

Is it an immoral thing to do? Let's say you're a doctor, and you're asked by a patient to end his/her suffering. Will you do it?

He's suffering in this world. Can't eat, drink, or do anything, basically. He's dying, slowly, but surely.

Can you bring yourself to do it?

You know, a few weeks before my grandpa passed away, there was this time where the family had to decide whether to insert a feeding tube into him. He had this condition where he could no longer swallow anything, even water.

My extended family was extremely divided on this matter. Some of my relatives felt he had suffered enough - he could no longer recognise anyone besides my family, could not talk, do the things he normally did, had to be assisted when going to the toilet, and was in constant pain. Why prolong his suffering?

My mum, particularly, felt that as long as he could be happy with his family around him, why end his life?

We couldn't ask my grandpa for his opinion. Think he couldn't understand.

Well we inserted the feeding tube. And a urinary catheter as well. He later passed away 'cause of an infection caused by the catheter. Apparently its quite easy to get an infection 'cause of the insertion.

You know, my uncle, a doctor, specifically warned that the risk of infection from inserting a catheter was quite high.

So we prolonged his life, or suffering, watever way u look at it, for a few weeks.

Worth it?

Oh at the end of his life, just before he passed away, the doctors at the hospital did not perform CPR or other life-saving measures for him. That is called "passive euthanasia" and is allowed in most medical societies.

I guess I was guilty of passive euthanasia as well. I was right next to him when he passed away, taking his pulse, feeling his life slip slowly away, and finally when it did I didn't do anything.

I couldn't bring myself to perform CPR on his fragile body.


Now compare that to Active Euthanasia, or assisting in the suicide of a patient who requested it.
And Involuntary Euthanasia, or the removal of life support to someone who has been in a "persistent vegetative state" and probably never will recover consciousness.

Active euthanasia is probably unacceptable to most people, me too, probably, but involuntary euthanasia?

I don't know. The whole idea of having the power to extend a patient's life, but having the responsibility to exercise it, bothers me.

Exercise GK this week. Duty yesterday. And on friday. Basically means going home late, if at all, this whole week.

Sad.

Spent some time gazing at the fish pond at the medical centre today. Had some colleagues join me. Just gazed at the fish swimming around. (Several koi and luohan) And talked about fish, in general.

Quite interesting. And relaxing, surprisingly.

jus realised how music ties the world together.
was playing a fellow medic's guitar today when dhan, this indian fella, came into the room. handed the guitar to him, asked him to play some songs.
he played some indian-sounding tune. yes, on the classical guitar.
asked me to play, i played romance de amour (yes dat overplayed tune), right here waiting and seagull.
he asked me for the tune of romance, which i wrote down.
i tell u, i hate that guy, with the absolute trouble he's created for us, but after this little exchange, my feelings of hate have slightly diminshed.
this may sound frivolous but hey its true.

and did u realise the songs u remember, even after years of non-practice, are those dat have some significance to u?

i'm still right here waiting for someone, the song seagull reflects my nature and romance... its jus an overplayed song lah. u jus HAVE to know it if u claim to have learnt classical guitar. :P

Can't remember the title of the song but this suddenly popped into my head. Its by Bread. this ancient soft rock band.
lyrics start like these:
If a picture's worth a thousand words
Then I'd ... paint you
...

Cant really make out the rest of wat he's singing. but the whole song's so... poignant.

oh. this thought suddenly popped into my head.

there are like so many cases of guys feeling they're actually women trapped in men's bodies, and have sex-change operations, but are there guys who feel like they're lesbians trapped inside a man's body?

i mean, do lesbians feel like gay men? if a guy were to decide he's lesbian will it do any good for him to chnage his sex, and love a self-professed lesbian?

perhaps i'm having too much coffee. jus perhaps, huh?

Interview today sucked.
Big time.

I realised I'm getting too stressed up. Over trivial things.

But its my future damnit.

Decided to go into one of the dodgy lorongs of Geylang to take a look last night when I was driving home last night. Well I thought, hey I'm in a car, my locks are working, so it wouldn't hurt to take a look yah? Yes, I was slightly drunk. High lah, more like it. Wouldnt have got caught if I was stopped by the traffic police.
But anyways. It was Damn crowded. Lots of men. And women, of course. I'll describe the men first. Different nationalities seemed to gather at different... areas. Foreign... workers? In particular, gathered at this.. intersection. Together with women of... thai? nationalities. Trying to seduce them, probably.
Lots of chinese men stood around the lorongs. Ogling at the women. Some talking with them, probably haggling over prices? A lot of them were just looking at them, though. Seemed to be. Like predators deciding over their prey?
Not a very pretty sight.
Even when you are slightly drunk.
The women. They were not scantily clad, to my surprise. OK they had heavy make-up on, and you probably wouldn't see many of their... costumes in Orchard - many seemed to be in cheap dresses or something like that?
Oh I saw several shops selling clothes so I think they probably bought their costumes there.
Anyways. I saw like this Huge group coming out from somewhere as I was driving out. With a single man. Who looked like the sort you'd put in jail, if you were a policeman, just because he looked like he had the Potential to do something criminal, if he had not done anything illegal already.
Come to think of it there always seemed to be some of that sort around most girls.

Anyways. Was quite disgusted, yet fascinated by what I saw.
No I'm not about to take the plunge anytime soon, I think. Can't picture myself going up to a prostitute, much less doing it with her.
Come to think of it I Don't want to picture myself doing that.
I'm broke enough already. And I'd much like to tell my future wife, "Hey I'm a virgin too you know."

But come to think of it, isn't it every guy's fantasy to have sex with as many women as possible? And not to have to take any responsibilities.
Maybe that's why we have so few married people now. Maybe even the women want sex, but not the ramifications that come with it.
With our increasingly promiscous society, who wants marriage?
Sex is enough.

Something amazing happened to me today.
This morning, as I was walking towards the bus-stop from camp, after yet another dreary duty, a taxi-driver honked at me. Asked me where I wanted to go.
I said I had no cash.
He said "Nevermind! I'll charge you the bus-fare equivalent of where you want to go!"
I said, "But I Really have no cash at all!"
He said, "alright, I'll take you there for free! Where do you want to go?"
I wanted to go to CCK mrt. well, home, actually, but it cost more than 10 bucks and it wasn't correct, asking him to send me there for free.
He asked me to hop in, saying he'd drive me there for free.
Turns out he was listening to some recording of some christian leader's inspiring talk.
He told me he discovered God today. Said something about We are All Brothers. Called me Brother. And said something about God gave us a magnificent environment. Listed an example of sungei tengah, how humans dirty the place God give us.
Money and all other worldly possessions are not important, he reasoned. We can't carry them with us. People burn hell money, but aren't those "hell money" minted and created by just other human beings? Only when you believe in God, can you go to heaven. And related stuff.

Oh later when we were near Sunshine Place, we saw several people who wanted to board a taxi. He asked if he could let me off there, and I was like sure! Free ride for nothing, who would complain yah.

Come to think of it, I'd ask my grandchildren to save on hell money when I die. Donate the equivalent to charity organisations, it'd be better spent.

ok havent written for quite a while so here's a brief update of my life:

• still alive.
• will not be so alive in the next 2 weeks. Going for AOE the next 2 weeks. basically a yearly test of an air force unit's combat readiness. to be exact, i'll be away from mon-wed starting from tomorrow, and mon-thurs week after dat.
• will be on duty on friday, and if i cant find help, on sunday as well. dat means i'll only be free on sat. anybody free then??
• desperately hope that i wun be recalled next weekend. oh "recalling" means, well, jus dat, recalling u back to camp on a sat or sun with a phone-call and/or one of those msgs u see on tv and hear on radio (well technically if the tv and radio means are used, its termed "mobilisation"). U'll hafta report back to camp in 2 hours, full combat gear and all, and they'll waste ur time by conducting useless checks on ur gear. like whether ur body powder container's filled to the BRIM. and yes the CAPS mean sth.
• oh i'm still single.
• and desperate.
• and broke, as usual.

oh i've watched the Incredibles. yeah!

well. dats the only interesting thing dat's happened to me so far. sad rite, my life. :(

Think of the flowers - see how they bloom.
Think of the perfect day - enjoy the sun's loving gaze on you.
Think of the wind - feel its soft touch as it caresses your skin.

Damn the stoopid rainy season.

Knew I'd lose you right from the start
Yet I let you go
Ill-fated, temporary state of mind
Playing tricks on our passionate souls.


Slept too much today. Don't know whether I was too tired, stressed, or both, fell asleep straight after dinner till now. Such... naps are really bad for you, in my opinion.

Made me think. Recollect. Old disjointed memories I did not want to recall.

You know, I may seem like such a happy (though yes, Serious with a capital S) person, and indeed I am, relatively, now, but not so long ago I was this... totally different person. On the surface I've never changed, but underneath it all, I've sorta undergone a major overhaul of my congenital structure.

Which basically means I've changed lah.

Don't know whether it is for the better. I guess in some ways, my thought processes have degenerated to that similar of 1800s samurais. The passion they had in their work; the code of honor they sought to uphold; even their disregard for women's rights.

Yes incidentally The Last Samurai is one of my favourite movies.

But anyways. Back to my memories. And the prose that came to my mind (at the top) jus now. Why did I let her go? Why did I even let myself get emotionally attached - and yes I would call it love - to her, when I knew I wouldn't be here in Singapore next year? Why do I even want to experience it again when I have less than a year left here in Singapore??

Bittersweet memories I'd rather not recall; incoherent thoughts I'd give all not to have. Sigh.

wow. new readers! heyhey dudes and babes!!! :D

well, i'll hafta warn u guys first, this blog Is a collection of my random thoughts so it may be qute boring/offensive/watever.

This blog Is based on a true life and by no means fictional.

But please do not reproduce it in any form without first seeking my permission, and/or quoting my name.

I am still a quiet, innocent guy to most people, and I intend to keep it that way.

:P

Are you 'selective' when it comes to revealing yourself to a stranger, or even friend?
Do you subconsciously withdraw information of yourself when conversing with another person?
Do you consciously do so?

i mean, of course to a stranger, you wouldn't reveal much of yourself, but to your close friends? Why is that you can't say some things to your friends?

Why is it that you can deem someone not worthy enough to be a close friend? Why keep people at arm's length?

Have jus realised I can seem like a really nice person to most, but not many people actually know much about me.

erm. can everyone who reads my post leave a comment or tag in the tagboard? i'd like to know exactly how many people know of this blog's existence.... thanks!

oh still on the same theme, i believe singaporean men are jus as guilty as women for the increasing singlehood(?) rate right now.

singaporean men are jus too shy. and have been pampered by their mums jus too much. i'll admit.

but hey. looking at another perspective, singapore Is a country of immigrants isnt she.
singaporean men look for women from other countries; ditto for singaporean women.
population increases.
more multi-racial, or multi-national marriages.
isn't that good?
i mean, we've always taken pride in our tolerance of other cultures, adding more ingredients to rojak's been an evolutionary process since the original one came out hasn't it?

hmm. maybe i'll find my love somewhere else.

There was this letter to the straits times a few days ago. a girl was commenting on singaporean girls' "independence" and subsequent, well, "indepedence" as they watch singaporean girls pursue girls of other nationalities. Seemed quite truthful, and no it wasn't a defence of singaporean girls as you would inevitably think.

interesting, u know. the qualities guys look for in girls. i totally agree with her, when she mentioned that singaporean girls are "assertive" and "independent-minded" or something like that, and won't kowtow to the 'girly' qualities a girl should have. and since guys look for 'girly' qualities in girls, the simple equation of demand and supply shows that inevitably, the number of single women would increase, and the level of foreign talent in singapore increases. yes i mean women and no i dun mean it in any derogatory manner. its jus something meant to be humourous.

and yes i know i have independent-minded women reading my blog so i may hafta clarify and/or use less provocative words in the future.

:P

anyways. i believe i'm a rarity in dat i Like an independent woman who can take care of herself, choose what she wants to eat and can suggest ideas on what to do on a date or outing.

problem is, i havent met even one jus yet.

where are all the singaporean women she mentioned???

ok more serious thoughts for this blog.

was watching my goldfish jus now.*

they were like... swimming around. as usual, of course, as it wasn't bedtime for them yet. **
argh getting addicted to terry pratchett.
anyways. we have one black gold-fish (technically its called one, i think) and many other gold-coloured goldfish. in one tank. And another tank with similar contents.
dun ask me why though, the black-coloured goldfish (i'll call it Black for short) didn't seem too unhappy. now im no reader of emotions (of goldfish) but i'll say swimming around and with the other fish looks like what a happy fish would do. well, a normal thing to do, at least.

ok main point. why did Black feel so comfortable amongst the other fish? was he aware that he was different from the rest? and why did the other fish accept him/her (apparently) in their midst?

well i happen to have another tank containing a luohan fish. all the rage in the past year. brings luck and all that. and luohans are known for their... ferocity. and territorial instincts. bought two other... sucker fish? which jus suck on to the sides of the tank? yah. one day i awoke to find the dismembered bodies of one of them floating in the water. a few days later the same thing happened to the other.

the luohan seems to be quite happy on its own in the tank right now.

now u may think goldfish are much smaller than luohan, and their teeth are... wait they have no teeth. and thus are by nature more friendly.

but u know its not true. not all big animals cant live together. elephants dont kill llamas for fun (my luohan had an abundant supply of food every day) or jus because their territory is intruded upon. and it Does look like they Can swing, or kick, llamas around for fun rite?

funny thing is, my luohan killed the sucked fish at night, when no-one was around. it was almost like murder, u know? stab someone in the dark.

but anyways. u think if i had had an electric shocking device to administer little jolts every time it tried to touch the sucker fish, the luo han would have eventually left them alone?

ok gotta get to work on my application essay.

enough random thoughts for the day.

have a great one. :)



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*actually they're not really mine. my grandma's. and technically wasn't really watching them. was more like taking occasional glances at 'em. singapore idol was.... painful. :P
**actually i dun think they Ever have a specific bed-time as we leave the lights on top of the tanks, well, on, all the time. not my idea dun ask me why??

another new reader of my blog! hi tina!!!!!! :-D

haha dun worry not hitting on ya. i may be desperate but my mind's still working. long-distance relationships never work out.

and i dont know how to pursue a girl too anyways. (Another point: Army reduces your girl-chasing abilites to wolf-whistles and trying to look suave.) and i havent even mastered the art of wolf-whistling. or looking suave.

oh u know zhijing's reaction when i gave her the present i bought her from the US? she couldnt stop laughing. apparently i look too similiar to the flying fox soft toy.

oh wow.

how am i going to chase any girls with this kind of 'cute' face? u tell me. i mean, girls look for tall, handsome guys who look mysterious and all dat right?

i'm short, "cute" and.... i'll jus say i dun look mysterious, all right?

oh man. looks like my self-confidence's at an all-time low...

and oh. i'm shy. too shy for my own good. but yeah. sigh. :(

i'm writing again! at last!

oh well. update of my life.

Finally have 'distributed' all the gifts i've wanted to give away. oh wait. there's one more. oh well nevermind. Almost.

breakfast yesterday was... interesting. very interesting. yeah i'll be secretive about it and let u wonder wat its all about muhahaha *evil laugh*

but anyways. reminded myself dat i'm leaving next year. wherever i'm going, its away from here. not dat singapore isnt the place for me. its jus... i dunno. i really wanna know wat its like outside this tiny little speck on the map. maybe i wun come back? or maybe i will.

NS is jus NOT good for ur mental health i tell ya.

see, unrelated rite? no linkages from one paragraph to the next.

oh well.

oh. to continue. lets jus give a few points to illustrate y NS is SO detrimental to ur health yah?

1. Your brain rots. 'cause of inactivity. or lots of meaningless activity. and repetition. of stuff dat u normally jus wont bother to do.
2. It destroys ur hormonal balance. Its far worse than an all-male secondary school, because it ELEVATES ur levels of male hormones. 'cause of exercise and all that. so yah. u get desperate for girls, u despair for sex, and u eventually get desecrated when u unconsciously spill ur guts. (in front of a girl). no i havent experienced the last but i get this feeling i'll experience it real soon.
3. It damages ur body. now i'm speaking as a medic when i see countless cases of people getting injured in training. and for regulars, the long-term effects of training.
4. When u Do stop NS, u'll be faced with this... emptiness. 'cause it jus takes up all ur time (when ur in it) and although its full of meaningless, mindless activity, it still takes up ur time. thus when u Do get free u'll be stuck in some sort of dilemma. like so many ex-regulars who develop beer bellies (i'm serious) and ex-NSFs who jus while away their time, like a person i know. depression sets in.

ok so basically half of wat i've written is jus crap. believe wat u will. but this new keyboard is jus too nice to the touch. and this new com...

i'm getting addicted to The Sims 2.

ciao.

decided to take a break from describing my trip.

anyways.

felt the need to get a girlfriend again. tired of elaborating. but yeah.

damn sad.

sigh.

oh i met a pri school friend of mine today. she's going to japan for some study exchange program for a year. and i prob wont be here by the time she gets back.

double sigh.

u know i've been wondering lately? how life overseas would be like. i mean, i spent 2 weeks alone out there and it was fun, but for 4 years? i dun know.

Alright I've finally found the xin qin to write again.

Gonna write about my trip.

Well, as you know, I went to the US to 'look at' some universities, as well as to the interview conducted at Duke.

I tell ya, Duke is a nice place. Somehow, dun ask me why, once I stepped inside, this. familiar feeling sorta overcame me. i jus felt, Chinese High!
I'm serious. It's like... I dunno, Duke feels just like Chinese High. ok its a Lot bigger and is co-ed, but Still. Same feeling. Dunno y.

Anyways. About the trip proper. Shall give a brief day-by-day description of my trip.

16th Aug : Reached Durham at around 930pm. damn tired. slept.

17th Aug : Decided to try out the public transportation system. woke up at 8, had a free breakfast (which sucked, only redeeming thing was the coffee) and walked to the bus-stop outside. it didnt have any label so i assumed it wasn't functional. met two indians (couple? or couple-to-be?), one of them gave me directions to a bus-stop near his work-place. Long walk. told me not having a car sucked. big time. after walking 20 mins to the bus-stop, and waiting 20 more for the only bus that served the route, I decided it Really did.
Bus ride took almost an hour. Reached Durham downtown terminal when I had wanted to go to Chapel Hill. oh the two of them are different 'cities', by the way. distance between them is like woodlands and jurong, if i'm living downtown. magnified a few times, of course.
anyways. since i landed up in the right place at the wrong time (had planned to visit Durham only later) I decided to go aexploring. Got the bus driver to take me to the Visitors Centre. Very helpful stuff gave me lots of directions and maps. But. I still got lost for quite a bit before getting back to the terminal. they have jus too many intersections and street names i tell ya. too many.
had lunch at this little shop. first taste of a big american buger. i tell u, the patty was like a half-pounder at macs if ever they decide to have one. (oh i have a double quarter-pounder at macs there. didnt try though) And their fries. Damn big too.
after that huge meal, decided to head back to the hotel. to Really sort out how to get to Chapel Hill, where I had scheduled a campus tour the next day. took the same bus back, and found that it stopped at this Huge shopping mall. huge in the fact that it covered quite a large area. perhaps that of taka, wisma, orchard station, far east, tangs, borders and lido together. with the road in between. but didnt seem so big on the inside, as there were only Two stories. waste of space, if u ask me. but then again there's So much space to waste.
nothing much came out of my detailed scouring of the maps leading to Chapel Hill. decided to take a taxi there.

18th Aug : Taxi reached Chapel Hill in half an hour. was two hours early for the tour so registered, took a map and went looking around on my own. had breakfast at this pancake shop, and picked up yet more maps at a visitors centre. tour of chapel hill was quite alright, in fact, it looked quite alright. several old buildings, and very approacheable people. lecture rooms were Very impressive (3 overhead projectors!) and the campus was wireless. woohoo.
After the tour, had this information session. was directed to the bio building finally, but couldnt meet the professor as he seemed Damn busy. got his email. and Finally knew how to get back to the hotel from Chapel Hill. had to walk quite a long distance though. like from serene centre to chinese high. and oh met the indian couple(-to-be) again. they directed me back to the hotel, interestingly.

19th Aug: Visited Duke. went for the campus tour. and managed to see the professor after getting lost and entering a graduate students' lab building. not to mention cutting across the Duke hospital. anyways. he seemed genuinely impressed and a tad amused (yes, amused, i wonder why) to see me and gave me his old textbook. jus changed to a new version so he didnt have any use for it, he said. and oh there was this taiwanese graduate student who was listening to our conversation instead of being at the matriculation ceremony.
oh i finally found the bus that served the bus-stop jus outside my hotel. apparently bus-stop = Some bus stops there.

20th Aug : Interview. didn't seem like an interview at all. i mean, it was more like an informal interview. she asked me some questions, i answered, she seemed quite impressed, I asked some questions, she answered, end of interview. can't really remember the contents of the interview, to be honest.
and one thing, i'm beginning to think its standard to appear impressed there. u dun really know wat they Really feel underneath. its like... they're quite fake. to put it simply. and they look jus like me when im pretending to be interested in some obscure topic when all im doing is concentrating on looking interested.
scary.

tired now, will continue later.

going off to the US now. realise i haven't blogged lately.
guess i'll have lots to write about when i come back. heh.

u know, come to think of it, i Am getting a bit... apprehensive. about going there alone. i mean, i havent really cared about it beforehand, but now... last minute jitters?
lets jus hope everything turns out alright yah? *nervous smile*

sigh lately i've been thinking of so many things, but jus cant get them down on paper. ok on the keyboard. or web. watever.
 
maybe i've been too tired.
 
oh i'm still desperate for a girlfriend. hormones still doing their thang.
 
and oh had a really Slack day today. had breakfast in the canteen (was entitled to 'cause i did duty yesterday and i'm no longer a 'new' medic :P) then did 1 1/2 hours of work before going out to various places to dispatch some stuff. played soccer after that. (jus nice lah, i arrived jus on time.)
then had seoul garden wit mark.
ate Lots of beef. and quite an amount of chicken.
and a minimal amount of veggies i insisted on putting in to provide fibre which we all need in our diet.
 
anyways. didnt get to watch supersize me. or brotherhood. or king arthur. sigh.
 
oh! oh yah. heard many people say king arthur isnt worth watching. i beg to differ. i mean, its jus like watching an extended warcraft III cut-scene right? damn nice. its enough for me.
 
if im not making any sense its cause im too tired to think straight. yeah. 

they're cutting down the coconut trees lining the house now. apparently one of them fell and crushed a car.
yeah im serious.

dun quite believe it too.

but... its so sad. sigh. i miss them already... :(

oh. i jus got to know dat i'll prob hafta stay-in from next week onwards. apparently this new CO wants Everybody to stay-in.
which means a total loss of freedom for me.
CRAP.
TOTAL CRAP.

sigh i cant help remembering last night when i was suddenly attacked by a bout of euphoria.
remember thinking, Why the Heck am i feeling so happy???
and then, This is bad. Everytime i feel so high, Something wrong's bound to happen soon.

how right i was.

sigh.
lost my wallet today.
dun ask me how, i dun know!!! (for the umpteenth time, i placed it in my pocket last night when i slept, didnt check it was there in the morning and only discovered it was gone after covering ippt, when i felt hungry and wanted to eat.)
sigh.
$80 gone. dats 20 in the wallet, 50 for my replacement 11B and 10 for my replacement debit card.
wouldnt have minded paying for a new debit card, its kind of... tattered? but 50 bucks!!! for a damn 11B!!!!
although yah lah it needs replacing, my details are coming out. but still!!!!
argh.
still cant get over it.
i mean, i assume somebody's taken it, since i've searched EVERYWHERE, and its like... if u want my money jus take it, jus return me my wallet with my 11B can???
kau.
make me pay Dat much for my cards. And make me go through the hassle of cancelling the card for a week.
now i cant withdraw money for a week.
and payday's tomorrow.
imagine the agony man.
crap.
total crap.

may be going to the US in august as I originally planned, after all. jus emailed Duke, they're having interviews on campus in july and august. think i'll go for one.
but if i DO go in august i might miss pamela's birthday celebration! oh no. :(

As you know, my grandpa passed away last sunday at around 3am in the morning. i was amongst those who were by his side.
After a great number of minutes spent grieving, my relatives decided to hold a 5-day wake at our home before cremating him on thursday morning. and decided to call singapore casket to 'bao' the whole funeral.
they were damn efficient, u know, set up the tents and all dat within hours. the appropriate rituals were done by professional monks too. (heard dat one of them drove a BMW.) wasnt too bad, in general. couple of grandpa's friends came, not to mention the whole extended family... several friends of my relatives came... sze, tuan and ayline came over too.
didnt feel particularly sad during the whole funeral though. it was as if... at the back of my mind, there was this thought, he's dead, his soul's actually gone, what we're doing is jus... for formality's sake...
i dunno. it was like in stark contrast to the extreme sadness i felt last year when my other grandpa as well as my granduncle passed away, and i had to attend their funeral, and cremation, respectively. then, i couldnt help thinking back on the moments we'd spent together, and have tears well up in my eyes... even now, these feelings have not gone...
but this year, i felt no such grief. alright, not so much as compared to last year. there was more like this... sense of relief. as well as this... insulation? this... layer that i feel is protecting me from the grief i might otherwise not bear?
relief as in i saw my grandpa suffering for so long... he.. couldnt even eat! or control his urinary/bowel movements. he looked so.... sad after the fall. and he was bedridden. wat worse thing can happen to u when u cant enjoy the simple pleasures of life like he did when he would exercise each morning by walking up and down the slope, the concrete path? then follow dat up with his daily breakfast of a banana, mueslibix? is dat the name? an egg... some bran... and milk... then he would settle down in his chair to read the newspapers... dissect the chinese newspapers such dat each sheet was separated from the rest (put me off chinese newspapers, dat did)... then at lunchtime he would want us to switch on the tv so he could listen to the 1pm news... then he'd take a nap... then go downstairs to sit in his chair and perhaps watch tv/korean/jap serials with my grandma? never knew wat he did then... was always upstairs... then have a shower and watch the 630 'shi chen jin ri' before taking dinner and napping? before watching the 10 o'clock news (sometimes)... and sleeping...
come to think of it i Knew his mundane routine and the thought that he couldnt do all that... i felt really sad for him. and then he had to get used to having a female nurse (and an unattractive one at dat) care for his daily needs...
in a way, u know, im glad he's finally passed on and not have to suffer all dat?

and this insulation. i think i understand the power of prayer, in a way, now. i remember distinctively repeating the first line of dat poster in the sickbay... yes 'Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change'. it was dat simple sentence which really helped prevent me from breaking down dat night. alright it wasnt a prayer. but sometimes... i guess u jus need a sentence.. a thought... Anything. to hold on to to survive. perhaps prayers work in dat way. and perhaps the thought dat there is a God who cares for us is powerful enough to help us continue our lives, even with the passing on of our loved ones.

My grandpa's dead. passed away this morning at around 3am.
Was there, taking his pulse, until the very end.
Odd, you know, when you realise there are some things you jus cant change and self-defensive mechanisms jus set in. im feeling damn numb now.
or perhaps the reason y im not breaking down is the poster i remembered.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change.

there's this poster in the sickbay which i find very inspiring, especially for this path i'm probably gonna take in my life.

God, Grant me
The Serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
The Courage to change the things i can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

im not really one who's into God and all, wait correction i believe in God, not religion... but yeah. Let me change what i can.
why is it only christians who mass-produce such inspiring posters? :P

its been so... surreal, today. the morning passed by uneventfully.... but after lunch everything went wrong. first only 3 of us were left in admin. which left us pretty much short-staffed.
Then. one of the guys went off for some cover. which left the 2 of us. a "senior" and me, an inexperienced ojt. and 2 TSS-es which knew nothing about medical stuff.
there were a total of 53 patients in the afternoon. i was like busy like MAD taking down the parameters and all until about 330. only got a breather after that.
walked into the main office after dat. which proved to be DAMN wrong a step.
i saw some sheets of registration slips untouched at the 'tray' whilst the other guy was busy with this difficult major. handed them to the TSS at the com to key them in. then went out again as more patients were coming in.
after everyone was gone we were called into the MO's room.
got reprimanded. and signed 2 extras.
oh well.

u know sometimes although u've done nothing much u feel jus... exhausted? weary, the word is.
been feeling like that for the past few days. cant even summon enough energy to blog. not to say run as i had planned to.
am going for deployment tomorrow. wait make that tonight. gonna stay-in 'cause i'll hafta leave camp by 0545 tomorrow morning.
sigh.