Detachment.

To all my friends here and abroad, I do apologise for appearing to have disappeared from Manchester lately. I am still around, feel free to contact me, it's just that somehow in these past few weeks I've felt myself retreating into the comfortable cocoon of my room all too often. I have not migrated to Cambridge and apart from 3 days next week (tues to thurs i'll be in Paris, Mei you didn't see this) and 3rd-13th april (in the US - Mei you didn't see this either) i'll be here in Manchester.
Really.

Perceptions.

I somehow think people think too much of me.
I was talking with this group mate just after a lecture yesterday and during the conversation, she revealed that she thought I read up a LOT before lessons, judging from what I had discussed in class. I didn't correct her perception, of course, but it really surprised me. I mean, was it the general perception of Brits that Chinese people just study much more, or was it that I had really appeared to be so knowledgeable with the utter rubbish I was muttering in class?
Reminded me of something A said not too far back - he'd said that he'd rather consult me if he was ill, rather than W (jokingly, hopefully). It was quite surprising and flattering, to say the least. But pressurising, too, of course. I don't feel I am anywhere near the state of dispensing useful advice just yet, or even in 3 years' time.
And the chemistry tutor in JC who exclaimed 'What happened? We were all expecting you to get 4As you know...' when I went back to NJ back in my NS days. When I had got CDEO for my prelims.
And LM tells me that she feels loved, with the non-existent things I do to make her happy.
No seriously, I'm not trying to be humble - you know I'm not - it's more like, I feel that disappointment is always just a step away from expectation. I'd rather people not expect so much from me, sometimes.

Portfolio.

As you may or may not know, I have this portfolio thing that I have to compile throughout my medical career, well at least for the years whilst I'm here. It's a record of everything I've done, medical training, reflective pieces about patients I've met, etc. over here. I even get to critique the lecturers' teaching styles in my 'reflections'.

I was finishing up the last pieces a few hours (in the early morning actually) before the deadline as usual last week, when I realised the usefulness of it all.

No seriously, it was through writing the countless pieces of reflective writing (mostly of interviews with patients, how I feel I've done, etc) and also this SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities to correct weaknesses, threats to my future career) analysis (of myself) that I gained a little more understanding of myself.

Of course this sounds more than a little narcissistic, but the point I'm trying to make is - how often do we actually take a step back and evaluate ourselves, and why we behave the way we do? Especially when we're all so caught up with life and our troubles, do we, should we, sometimes say, 'hang on, I've still got all this to seek solace in' - and be glad that despite all our troubles, we still have our friends and family around us?

I sorta realised I wouldn't be thinking all these, say, 8 years ago. Interesting eh, what a few years can do to you.

Roll Along.

I am sincerely sorry for the lack of posts lately, it's just that I haven't found anything worth blogging about, and life's just rolling along as it always does. Or maybe it's that I've lost my literary edge (well, sorta) after being drowned in medical jargon, not-so-random numbers and a significant screwing up of my body clock.

Oh did I tell you I missed my honours for my semester test by 1 mark, and failed my OSCEs by 2 marks? I believe I'm still smarting from that, really, though I know I should have moved on by now. Grr.