Parcels.

I just received a parcel today. From myself.
Why, have I lost my mind - have I become so desperate for presents, for salvation, that I have addressed one to myself?
Obviously not lah.
This parcel I 'received' was returned, from Singapore. I had sent this a few months ago, as a christmas/CNY present to my family. Yup, mei, it's the chocolates I promised you, as well as a pair of shoes for Yang. Do not ask me why the other 2 parcels I sent with this reached my home, but not this one.
I am feeling damn pissed off about this already lah can. I mean, this one was via parcelforce (=speedpost for singapore) and cost much more than the other 2!!! And after a few months' detour it's come back to me?!!!
Grr.

I wonder if the chocolates are still edible. Will someone enlighten me? (They're still wrapped up in bubble wrap, and I am loath to open it for fear of discovering moths' eggs or something in the box.)

Feelings.

It's such an odd feeling, knowing why you feel a certain way, what others would say to comfort you, and knowing you'd still feel the same despite all their good intentions.
I feel like I haven't put in enough effort this past year, am wondering if I am really suited for this course, and other assorted depressing thoughts. And I also know I feel this way whenever I am faced with obstacles in my way, that I have to get past this psychological barrier of feeling down and out, and pick myself up from this mess I've got myself into.
I also know I may forget about all this when I receive the results end of this week (for my osce resit), or plunge into greater depths of depression - if my suspicions are indeed confirmed.
No I am not depressed, clinically, just yet.
(Incidentally from what I've studied about depression you have to fulfil quite a few criteria before you're judged depressed, and then you're given mind-altering drugs to help in your rehabilitation. In my opinion chocolates work just as well, with fewer side effects. With moderate exercise, of course.)
So yeah. We'll see what happens yah. I just wanted to write this down so I wouldn't forget. No don't tell me I'm judging myself too harshly, that I have (too) high expectations of myself, by the way. I do not want to be playing with lives if and when I graduate.

Dust.

I'm seriously horrified at how fast dust can accumulate in my room. Was just vacuuming my room in preparation for a momentous event¹ when I discovered to my utmost disgust that after a mere few weeks after my last major vacuum, my room seemed to have accumulated enough dust to cover the surface area of Liberia! Seriously. There was like dust covering the edges of my cabinets, the little thingy sticking out housing the electrical sockets, on my printer, on my speakers, on my books (oops), on my CDs, even on the remote areas² of my keyboard! No wonder I've been sneezing like that for the past few months!!!

Phew now I feel so much more relaxed - oh wait! I see yet more dust on my chest of drawers! Grr.

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¹Exams, lah. Always brings out the obsessive-compulsive side of me.
²Like that little blue 'access IBM' button. Or the power button situated so far away from the rest of the keys.

Bias.

We are all biased in our own idiosyncratic ways aren't we? I mean, much as we would like to think ourselves non-discriminative in our behaviour towards others, do we not pass judgement (pre-mature at times) on those around us, be they total strangers, or close friends? Do we not persist in our smug little ways despite contrary evidence showing up a little while later? Is it ever possible to get rid of our prejudices and narrow-mindedness?

What prompted this little rant, you might ask. Well I was reading this article about reducing bias whilst treating patients, while listening to Enigma at the same time (always prompts some heavy-duty thoughts, it does).

So how do you do it? Can you approach a total stranger without first forming a pre-conception in your mind by his looks and mannerisms - and have an unguarded conversation?

I feel I need to re-discover this side of myself, this semi-blind 'blur' self before I 'matured' into this stubborn old (mentally at least) fogey with a predisposition to judge others by their shoes.

Seriously, what do you think? As we get older, do we merely pretend to dispose of unfashionable morals (and pile on new ones), or do we subconsciously stick to some sacred set of principles throughout our lives? Why should we keep our dispositions, and why do we put on masks?

Photos.

Since there is absolutely nothing going on (aside from mugging, trying to mug unsuccessfully and playing C&C Generals as a result) in my life right now, here's a few pictures I took while my life was a little more 'happening', back when I was in SF.

Coffee.

Pardon my lack of photography skills here, but I promised more about my little escapades in the US previously and here's a sneak preview of sorts, I guess.
Basically the day before I left, Mark wasn't free so I was left to roam about the streets of San Francisco myself. After trekking for what seemed like hours, I discovered this coffee shop buried amongst the myriad of stores in Chinatown, called "Uncle's coffee shop". Yes literally. I guess the words beneath were a little more revealing - 驰名咖啡¹, amongst others.
Now tempted by the aroma of freshly brewed traditional coffee and the sight of several old uncles chatting in there leisurely (and drinking coffee! not chinese tea!), I entered the shop, and ordered a cup, as seen above. Well if you observe carefully there's actually a metal container behind the mug, the coffee actually came in that.
Well so it was quite an experience, sipping the (STRONG!!!²) coffee in a traditional Chinese (Hong Kong actually?) coffee shop, soaking in the atmosphere (and aroma) - the interior was of this dated design straight out of 真情, this never-ending serial from Hong Kong, and there were but a few old uncles and aunties having lunch (one table was having some hor fun thingy) and coffee, and hearing the uncles lazily chatting about nothing in particular (I heard them gossiping about me, at one point, in Cantonese - something about this leng(3) zai(2)³ at this corner, something something lol) and looking out of the window, watching life go by, really.
It was just tremendously relaxing, I tell you.


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¹Hope there wasn't any typo there in Chinese. Basically it means 'famous coffee', first two words 'famous' and last two 'coffee'. But it's much more than that, I guess, 驰名 conjuring images of ancient chinese heroes arriving from all corners of the countries, on horses, to sample the great coffee sold at this particular shop - at least for me.
²As you know, I am quite a caffeine addict, and you'd better believe me if I rate a coffee 'strong', especially when it's in Caps. It was definitely on par, at least, with the espressos I had in Italy. And it was so bitter that I couldn't drink it without adding milk, and wait for this, sugar. Yes I abhor adding sugar to my coffee normally.
³Pretty boy, literally. Normally used to indicate attractiveness of a young male (by those of the older generation) since in Cantonese there is no commonly used equivalent for 'handsome'. I knew they were referring to me because I was the only young guy in the entire shop. I actually did look around before acknowledging that they were talking about me. Now only if my charm extended to people my age.

Leaving Cambridge.

One of the rare times I felt a sudden rush of blood to the head, and whisked out my camera (phone) to snap a picture. It was just as I was waiting for the train back to Manchester from Cambridge one weekend, hence the title.

Is it just me, or does this picture just seem to encapsulate what I was feeling at that moment in time?