I.

I realise I am an inward-looking introvert who not just trusts his intuition, but also his instincts - in times of good or bad.

I guess it's the reason why I can't stand people forcing their views on me, like the random guy on the street who tries to preach to me the virtues of Christianity, or the rights of some obscure tribe of animals living in fear of us humans. No it's not like I don't respect them - I do, really, and admire their dedication to their cause(s), and I know someone who is really passionate about his/her mission, from someone merely masquerading as an activist (like that girl with the made-in-china cotton t-shirt, made-in-mexico polyester pants campaigning against globalisation); in fact, because of this, I will willingly listen (politely), and even engage in healthy argument if I deem myself ably knowledgeable of the subject at hand (and judge him/her sufficiently friendly, of course) - but it's more of the fact that I believe strongly that some things ought to be experienced, felt as epiphanies of sorts, rather than preached.

I was in Bright Hill monastery/temple(?) just now, decided to re-visit it after a decade-plus and to say prayers for my family and laymay, and I was quietly impressed by how everyone seemed so ready to help. I was lost after so many years, for much had changed, and said so to this kind administrator, who directed me to a path, where he said I might find my way back, and left me to my own devices; and this lady, who guided me on what to do to pray when I appeared at a loss of what to do.
Now I'm not making a case for Buddhism, I'm sure I would have got the same help at a church, or even mosque or Hindu temple. It was more just the simple fact that the people there didn't impose themselves on me - they offered the necessary help, but did not include any caveats with that. Walking around the temple on my own (it's huge, but there are signs on each structure and detailed explanations on the statues within, I would definitely recommend for first-time visitors) was more beneficial for my understanding of Buddhism, rather than a pompous monk eschewing the virtues one should attain.

So yeah, next time you try convincing me about something, please appeal to my logic, or let me experience it for myself. I might be impressed by your passion for a subject, but it doesn't really help in achieving whatever ends you might have.

Apologies.

Apologies for not blogging frequently these days, this internet connection I have at home is really crap. Not only do I have to share bandwidth with the rest of the neighbourhood (and several young families have moved in, not like the old days where most people living here were retiree age sigh), I also have to contend with the distance between the router (in my mum's room) and my laptop, which due to practical and privacy reasons, has to be placed on my bed. Which lowers my internet speed considerably because the signal strength's only 30-odd percent.

So apologies for not updating you on my life. Will do when I can access my desktop and feel some inspiration to blog.

Mind Over Distance?

Have you ever experienced this?

Last night, I was taking the bus back home when as usual, I fell asleep some way into the journey. And, as though on cue, I woke up just as the bus reached the bus-stop outside my house, yet again. I remember having this odd... ability? to wake up just on time since I started taking buses many years ago.

I'm not being totally serious here, but I don't think I'm alone, am I? Do you not think the brain is attuned to distances long and short, and retains some control of your sub-consciousness, such that you wake up at the opportune moment even when you're taking a much-needed nap?

Or is it the familiar smell of your home that wakes you up? I've ever woken up just as the bus was leaving my bus-stop too?

Yes I'm bored and probably imagining things.

Isolation.

It's kinda odd, now that I'm back in Singapore, I feel the urge to meet up with old friends has diminished. It is as if the only thing I miss in Singapore is its food, and I am content with my small social circle (ie family[though you can't really include this can you], laymay and mark).

I wonder why, really. Am I doomed to follow the dreaded rat race where every rat runs on its individual wheel? Have I lost my social skills, such that I've no more the courage or initiative to ask ex-schoolmates out?

Anyone reading this blog and currently residing in Singapore, please contact me now - if only to let me know you're still here. ;p

Going home.

Why should I return home, when I can't know for sure I've passed the recent exams? Why should I care, really - I should just stay here all 5 years, shouldn't I?

I haven't put in enough effort?

Ha.

Cleaning.

As you all know, I'm going back to Singapore on the 11th, and I've just started to pack. Was cleaning my chest of drawers (haven't reached my closet yet) when I noticed a pile of letters I had left untouched since last year. Cards, mostly, from those who had sent me before and whilst I was in the UK, and a few photos I had brought with me. Yes of course they made me think of home, and all the friends I've lost touch with inadvertently. Mostly because of my internet (NEVER get tiscali as your ISP, I stress again here) but I realised I just haven't been making the effort to keep in touch, and it is now that I feel a tinge of regret. So please, all my friends out there who are reaching this blog, please, please leave a comment indicating your phone number or email, so I can meet up with you when I'm back in Singapore this time. We may all be busy people (OK maybe not myself) but I do hope you'll spare a few minutes of your time to accompany this sad lonely soul in Singapore ;p

Also got a few personal words to say here to a few of my readers here,
Mei: Would you prefer a pair of (sapphire) earrings, or a wallet? 'Cause I'm gonna give either one or the other to ma, let you choose first ;p
LM: I love you dear.

Parcels.

I just received a parcel today. From myself.
Why, have I lost my mind - have I become so desperate for presents, for salvation, that I have addressed one to myself?
Obviously not lah.
This parcel I 'received' was returned, from Singapore. I had sent this a few months ago, as a christmas/CNY present to my family. Yup, mei, it's the chocolates I promised you, as well as a pair of shoes for Yang. Do not ask me why the other 2 parcels I sent with this reached my home, but not this one.
I am feeling damn pissed off about this already lah can. I mean, this one was via parcelforce (=speedpost for singapore) and cost much more than the other 2!!! And after a few months' detour it's come back to me?!!!
Grr.

I wonder if the chocolates are still edible. Will someone enlighten me? (They're still wrapped up in bubble wrap, and I am loath to open it for fear of discovering moths' eggs or something in the box.)

Feelings.

It's such an odd feeling, knowing why you feel a certain way, what others would say to comfort you, and knowing you'd still feel the same despite all their good intentions.
I feel like I haven't put in enough effort this past year, am wondering if I am really suited for this course, and other assorted depressing thoughts. And I also know I feel this way whenever I am faced with obstacles in my way, that I have to get past this psychological barrier of feeling down and out, and pick myself up from this mess I've got myself into.
I also know I may forget about all this when I receive the results end of this week (for my osce resit), or plunge into greater depths of depression - if my suspicions are indeed confirmed.
No I am not depressed, clinically, just yet.
(Incidentally from what I've studied about depression you have to fulfil quite a few criteria before you're judged depressed, and then you're given mind-altering drugs to help in your rehabilitation. In my opinion chocolates work just as well, with fewer side effects. With moderate exercise, of course.)
So yeah. We'll see what happens yah. I just wanted to write this down so I wouldn't forget. No don't tell me I'm judging myself too harshly, that I have (too) high expectations of myself, by the way. I do not want to be playing with lives if and when I graduate.

Dust.

I'm seriously horrified at how fast dust can accumulate in my room. Was just vacuuming my room in preparation for a momentous event¹ when I discovered to my utmost disgust that after a mere few weeks after my last major vacuum, my room seemed to have accumulated enough dust to cover the surface area of Liberia! Seriously. There was like dust covering the edges of my cabinets, the little thingy sticking out housing the electrical sockets, on my printer, on my speakers, on my books (oops), on my CDs, even on the remote areas² of my keyboard! No wonder I've been sneezing like that for the past few months!!!

Phew now I feel so much more relaxed - oh wait! I see yet more dust on my chest of drawers! Grr.

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¹Exams, lah. Always brings out the obsessive-compulsive side of me.
²Like that little blue 'access IBM' button. Or the power button situated so far away from the rest of the keys.

Bias.

We are all biased in our own idiosyncratic ways aren't we? I mean, much as we would like to think ourselves non-discriminative in our behaviour towards others, do we not pass judgement (pre-mature at times) on those around us, be they total strangers, or close friends? Do we not persist in our smug little ways despite contrary evidence showing up a little while later? Is it ever possible to get rid of our prejudices and narrow-mindedness?

What prompted this little rant, you might ask. Well I was reading this article about reducing bias whilst treating patients, while listening to Enigma at the same time (always prompts some heavy-duty thoughts, it does).

So how do you do it? Can you approach a total stranger without first forming a pre-conception in your mind by his looks and mannerisms - and have an unguarded conversation?

I feel I need to re-discover this side of myself, this semi-blind 'blur' self before I 'matured' into this stubborn old (mentally at least) fogey with a predisposition to judge others by their shoes.

Seriously, what do you think? As we get older, do we merely pretend to dispose of unfashionable morals (and pile on new ones), or do we subconsciously stick to some sacred set of principles throughout our lives? Why should we keep our dispositions, and why do we put on masks?

Photos.

Since there is absolutely nothing going on (aside from mugging, trying to mug unsuccessfully and playing C&C Generals as a result) in my life right now, here's a few pictures I took while my life was a little more 'happening', back when I was in SF.

Coffee.

Pardon my lack of photography skills here, but I promised more about my little escapades in the US previously and here's a sneak preview of sorts, I guess.
Basically the day before I left, Mark wasn't free so I was left to roam about the streets of San Francisco myself. After trekking for what seemed like hours, I discovered this coffee shop buried amongst the myriad of stores in Chinatown, called "Uncle's coffee shop". Yes literally. I guess the words beneath were a little more revealing - 驰名咖啡¹, amongst others.
Now tempted by the aroma of freshly brewed traditional coffee and the sight of several old uncles chatting in there leisurely (and drinking coffee! not chinese tea!), I entered the shop, and ordered a cup, as seen above. Well if you observe carefully there's actually a metal container behind the mug, the coffee actually came in that.
Well so it was quite an experience, sipping the (STRONG!!!²) coffee in a traditional Chinese (Hong Kong actually?) coffee shop, soaking in the atmosphere (and aroma) - the interior was of this dated design straight out of 真情, this never-ending serial from Hong Kong, and there were but a few old uncles and aunties having lunch (one table was having some hor fun thingy) and coffee, and hearing the uncles lazily chatting about nothing in particular (I heard them gossiping about me, at one point, in Cantonese - something about this leng(3) zai(2)³ at this corner, something something lol) and looking out of the window, watching life go by, really.
It was just tremendously relaxing, I tell you.


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¹Hope there wasn't any typo there in Chinese. Basically it means 'famous coffee', first two words 'famous' and last two 'coffee'. But it's much more than that, I guess, 驰名 conjuring images of ancient chinese heroes arriving from all corners of the countries, on horses, to sample the great coffee sold at this particular shop - at least for me.
²As you know, I am quite a caffeine addict, and you'd better believe me if I rate a coffee 'strong', especially when it's in Caps. It was definitely on par, at least, with the espressos I had in Italy. And it was so bitter that I couldn't drink it without adding milk, and wait for this, sugar. Yes I abhor adding sugar to my coffee normally.
³Pretty boy, literally. Normally used to indicate attractiveness of a young male (by those of the older generation) since in Cantonese there is no commonly used equivalent for 'handsome'. I knew they were referring to me because I was the only young guy in the entire shop. I actually did look around before acknowledging that they were talking about me. Now only if my charm extended to people my age.

Leaving Cambridge.

One of the rare times I felt a sudden rush of blood to the head, and whisked out my camera (phone) to snap a picture. It was just as I was waiting for the train back to Manchester from Cambridge one weekend, hence the title.

Is it just me, or does this picture just seem to encapsulate what I was feeling at that moment in time?

Age.

One of my pet topics again, yes, but just posting what I actually noted in the train ride back from paris the day after my birthday, and expanding a little on it. Well, quite a little, I have to admit.

It is as if once we hit adulthood, we are somehow blessed with excellent reasoning, have an infinite capacity to think rationally (hence saddled with immense responsibility), and are allowed to run free with our deluded minds aren't we? I am 23 today and still feel I am but a day older than I was 5 years ago. Granted, I have been to more parts of the world than perhaps many might dream of - and I am not being pretentious or 'elitist', if you will, in saying so - yet, I feel I have merely dissected and accumulated what I have seen, heard and experienced; it has but piled on layers upon layers of artificial guises with which to switch on(and off) in times of necessity. Looking from far, you might term this 'maturity'; at certain angles, it might seem as if these layers of textured dispositions have all but blended into my 'personality', and are thus indications of growth, literally and metaphorically (for I have gained weight, and it shows as such on my pudgy face) - have I really grasped the complexities of human interaction, though? Have I gained some insights into the meaning of life, the marvellous nature of our souls, the way this self-imposed farce of a thing we call society works?

I cannot say I have. For what I have been through thus far is just a sheltered, watered-down version of a life gone 'right'; I have absolutely no idea how Johnny feels in his 9-5 job he deems a chore, I do not know why that teenage girl wants to commit suicide, I can only imagine what it feels like to be in a different environment, only try to listen, empathise, and perhaps take off my masks - just for the moment - to feel for a fellow human being. And I have not listened enough. Try as I might, I have too often forgotten that the world is larger than myself, that we are all but tiny creatures that roam the corners of this Earth, and that everyone has a life story to tell.

And of course I haven't figured out a way to join the billionaires' club without joining the workforce.

Hmm I think I've gone off tangent, so I shall stop here. OK I have to confess I actually wrote only up till '5 years ago' in the train, and somehow squeezed out some cheem-looking words from the nether regions of my brain. Well technically not the nether regions, it's more like the back (and front coordinating as well), but we shall not delve into neuroscience now shall we? ;)

I guess what I was trying to say is that I don't believe adults necessarily make better decisions than hot-headed testosterone-fuelled teenagers (and not just in the realm of relationships), I guess we just learn to accept what is fashionable in our societies at certain moments in time, and act accordingly, don't we? Oh and we learn to crave for new toys, big and small. But definitely more expensive.

(I could go on to rant about commercialism, but again, I shall refrain myself from doing so.)

So yeah. What defines an adult? Is it merely age? Are we losing our way, and becoming over-aged kids with cash to spare? Can we justify the crap we dispense to those junior to us? So many questions, yet left unanswered, with nearly a quarter of my life gone already.

CCleaner

I've downloaded a program recently that I've found quite useful, and which I think would be quite useful to lazy people who can't be bothered to clear their cache regularly (*hint hint*). Basically it does that, and resolves some differences between windows and the assorted programs you've installed forcefully on your computer, so it starts up faster. It's worked for me, my laptop starts up in like less than half the time it used to take (really!) and so I've included a link which you can find on the right side of my blog. Sorry it's only for windows though ;p

CD shops.

I somehow recall that I used to find solace in browsing for CDs in CD shops around town, especially those that had like headphones for listening to CDs privately. I would find pleasure in just walking into any one, really, that had like random soft music playing and rows upon rows of neatly-catalogued CDs waiting to be discovered, explored, a whole universe to be traversed. Maybe it's because I've been buying my CDs online (they're so much cheaper here than shops in the city centre like HMV), or maybe I just haven't been going to the city centre, now that I seem so much further away. Or that it's just different, the record stores here seem to play mostly pop songs masquerading as emotive meaningful rock music with a god-fearing soul.
I guess it's only one of the multitude of reasons why I'm missing home.

Benches.

As you might or might not know, I was staying at Mark's place in Stanford for most of the days I was in the US. And as you might guess, Stanford is a bloody very rich and huge university, where palm trees are aplenty and BMWs are commonplace, amongst other interesting sights. Now amidst this chaos of decadence, there are numerous benches nestled amongst the multitudinous rows of neatly-pruned trees (of assorted shapes and sizes) and bushes. Now these benches are not the ordinary ones you see in Bishan park or the like, but appear to be magnificent works of art spread throughout the campus, with their interesting (for lack of a better word) and varied designs. (Yes Mark go take a closer look at them.)

OK basically I attended a walking tour of the campus when I was there, and as you had to take this free shuttle bus to the train station, that goes around the immensely magnificent campus before going past this huge shopping centre on land that is owned by the university and then finally the station, I watched quite a few trees go by, and of course, underneath them, conveniently, aforementioned benches.

So yah, I was looking at all these beautiful benches, and some neurons started firing off randomly (as usual) in my little brain. I thought to myself, how thoughtful they are! To provide these places where you can laze in during hot summer months, congregate and play hide-and-seek (or peek-a-boo), or maybe enjoy a delicate little romantic moment before the bus roars by yet again and splatters some dirt on you!

And I thought about the imagery associated with benches, the emotions that can be conjured by a simple image of an empty bench, or of a lone elderly man, sat hunch-backed, and gripping his walking stick, gazing into the horizon.

And I was truly impressed with Stanford.


Incidentally, I've discovered I quite like taking pictures of benches. Here's one I took in Sydney last year, Mei you'll recognise it.

The Pursuit of Happyness.

Somehow got reminded of this movie I watched on the plane. If any of you have watched it, you might have wondered how Will Smith got to enter the Bay Area Transit (MRT-like thingy) stations so frequently throughout the film. In one particular scene, he inserts just 10 cents into a ticketing machine, and manages to enter the station with that ticket. Now I hadn't tried it myself, but it seems quite possible, as they do have some 'topping-up' machine inside the gates for you to use if you don't have sufficient value in your ticket when you try to get out of a particular station. The toilets in the stations, however, were closed when I was in SF, they mentioned sth abt 'criminal acts', or sth like that. Which is particularly inconvenient when you need to use the washroom urgently. Like that poor dude who probably wanted to use the toilet when Will Smith occupied it in that scene.

Yeah just some random thoughts from the movie that's stuck in my head.

Back.

I am back from my holiday in the US, and have come back with appropriate bribes for various people (mei that includes you lah ;p). I have also realised certain truths, collated new experiences, re-ignited old flames (lol) and enjoyed myself, basically.

Will elaborate more, of course, in due time.

Detachment.

To all my friends here and abroad, I do apologise for appearing to have disappeared from Manchester lately. I am still around, feel free to contact me, it's just that somehow in these past few weeks I've felt myself retreating into the comfortable cocoon of my room all too often. I have not migrated to Cambridge and apart from 3 days next week (tues to thurs i'll be in Paris, Mei you didn't see this) and 3rd-13th april (in the US - Mei you didn't see this either) i'll be here in Manchester.
Really.

Perceptions.

I somehow think people think too much of me.
I was talking with this group mate just after a lecture yesterday and during the conversation, she revealed that she thought I read up a LOT before lessons, judging from what I had discussed in class. I didn't correct her perception, of course, but it really surprised me. I mean, was it the general perception of Brits that Chinese people just study much more, or was it that I had really appeared to be so knowledgeable with the utter rubbish I was muttering in class?
Reminded me of something A said not too far back - he'd said that he'd rather consult me if he was ill, rather than W (jokingly, hopefully). It was quite surprising and flattering, to say the least. But pressurising, too, of course. I don't feel I am anywhere near the state of dispensing useful advice just yet, or even in 3 years' time.
And the chemistry tutor in JC who exclaimed 'What happened? We were all expecting you to get 4As you know...' when I went back to NJ back in my NS days. When I had got CDEO for my prelims.
And LM tells me that she feels loved, with the non-existent things I do to make her happy.
No seriously, I'm not trying to be humble - you know I'm not - it's more like, I feel that disappointment is always just a step away from expectation. I'd rather people not expect so much from me, sometimes.

Portfolio.

As you may or may not know, I have this portfolio thing that I have to compile throughout my medical career, well at least for the years whilst I'm here. It's a record of everything I've done, medical training, reflective pieces about patients I've met, etc. over here. I even get to critique the lecturers' teaching styles in my 'reflections'.

I was finishing up the last pieces a few hours (in the early morning actually) before the deadline as usual last week, when I realised the usefulness of it all.

No seriously, it was through writing the countless pieces of reflective writing (mostly of interviews with patients, how I feel I've done, etc) and also this SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities to correct weaknesses, threats to my future career) analysis (of myself) that I gained a little more understanding of myself.

Of course this sounds more than a little narcissistic, but the point I'm trying to make is - how often do we actually take a step back and evaluate ourselves, and why we behave the way we do? Especially when we're all so caught up with life and our troubles, do we, should we, sometimes say, 'hang on, I've still got all this to seek solace in' - and be glad that despite all our troubles, we still have our friends and family around us?

I sorta realised I wouldn't be thinking all these, say, 8 years ago. Interesting eh, what a few years can do to you.

Roll Along.

I am sincerely sorry for the lack of posts lately, it's just that I haven't found anything worth blogging about, and life's just rolling along as it always does. Or maybe it's that I've lost my literary edge (well, sorta) after being drowned in medical jargon, not-so-random numbers and a significant screwing up of my body clock.

Oh did I tell you I missed my honours for my semester test by 1 mark, and failed my OSCEs by 2 marks? I believe I'm still smarting from that, really, though I know I should have moved on by now. Grr.

Horoscope.

Decided to surf randomly for stuff today and guess what I found - my chinese horoscope for today.

Profit by this planetary calm to return upon yourself by asking yourself such questions of capital importance as: have I given a sense to my life? Am I not spreading myself thin instead of concentrating myself on the essential? Am I living actually or only vegetating?
- from Asia1.com.sg

How apt. Am I actually living, or am I merely vegetating?

I need to join another society, really.

Phases.

I call it the Supertramp phase of music - sooner or later someone (or some group) like Mika or Scissor Sisters will come out, with his/their cartoon-ish music and lyrics that are so fun to dance to, yet so deceptively subversive.

Mmm... I like.

Spinal Column of the Chicken.

I had a quarter of a (whole) roast chicken left from 2 days before so I decided to make full use of it and make some traditional Chinese herbal chicken soup. (ie throw the remains of the cooked chicken and some herbs and let it stew [at your inattention to it] for a few hours.)
I'm currently eating it with rice (tastes alright btw, with all the marrow and fat and assorted innards) and I've just discovered two very interesting pieces of bone.

Now those of us taking medicine or the health sciences will no doubt be thrilled to find the practical applications of what we're studying. IE You can separate individual pieces of vertebrae by boiling them long enough.

No seriously, I am quite perturbed at the fact that I used to be able to enjoy my chicken soup without noticing assorted pieces of odd-looking bone, but now my eyes seem to be attuned to the sight of anything vaguely resembling structures in the human body.

On a side note, it is just amazing how animals have similar systems to ours? (Don't get me started on the creation vs evolution theory, you know where I stand, by the side of Mr Charles Darwin) I mean, looking at this, there isn't any wonder why our ancestors used to believe (and perhaps still do) in consuming animal innards to re-invigorate our organs, and fabricated (or not) tales of Frankenstein-ish creatures which had various entrails and sensory apparatus replaced by some unlucky animals' parts?

Isn't it fascinating, and shouldn't we be encouraged, by the fact that we haven't lost our sense of bewilderment in this cynical world of ours? That we don't take things for granted?

Rabbits in hats, let's hope we don't become.

Getting Old(er).

Hands up those who still buy CDs instead of the latest songs/albums from iTunes/Soundbuzz (or just download it from somewhere, anywhere.)

Shout "Yeah" if you don't understand the latest furore about Vista. (Yes I mean the interface.)

And nod if you still remember Christina and Britney both being fresh-faced teens and Charlotte Church an innocent little girl with an angelic voice.

Laugh (wistfully) if you don't know where the latter has ended up right now.

We're getting old, face it. We need to get in touch with the juice, man, the juice! The bling! The latest-name-for-US-dollars!

Yeah right.

Incriminating Evidence.

To my dear friends and readers of this blog:

Please do clear your browsing history sometimes. I have records of a kind friend who has visited this site 57 times in the past year - it is certainly gratifying to know that I have people who care about me, but at the same time, I really worry about your personal web security. There are far too many websites which have tracking cookies much more malicious than mine - so please do clear your cache (in IE it's under 'tools, internet options, clear history/cookies'*) periodically.

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*I'm not providing instructions for the good people amongst us using firefox, opera or safari. I assume you do know a little bit about internet security if you're not using IE 5. Or 6.

Mac VS Windows.

I've been reading quite fervently about the latest incarnation of windows lately, and the associated mac vs pc arguments that never seem to end. (Oh 'cause I'm planning to buy a new laptop this June.)
I think, swimming past the incessant mac-is-better fanatics and oh-we-are-better-microsoft devotees and their verbal duels, I've sorta reached a personal epiphany.

Apple will never win Microsoft in the battle of the OSs - if certain conditions don't change.

1. Compatability. Yes this may sound counter-intuitive, but have you ever thought of this? The Mac OS X is built specifically for the Mac, while Windows runs on all PCs and laptops. I'm not talking about compatability with older hardware in Vista (current furore is on that), I'm talking about Windows being a platform for the many different brands of PCs that you can find in the market today. If Apple doesn't develop a PC-friendly OS in the future, there is simply no way it can compete with Microsoft in terms of market share - for it is but one company, compared to the many that manufacture PCs and laptops.
Now I know pure Mac fanatics will be seething or feel revolted at the tiniest thought that the OS be corrupted and exported to a PC (and I know of at least 3 mac users who read this blog) so I beg you to think of this - as fancy, simple and stable as Tiger is, how do you expect people to convert when Apple jealously guards its operating system and restricts it to just Macs?
I mean, the whole company is built around the idea of having total integration - you buy the hardware, software, everything bundled as one (so you don't have to worry) - which is good, but for the simple testosterone-charged student who wants to brag "I have the latest IBM model with extra-wide screen and 2 gig ram, not like your 2ghz Dell dinosaur which only has 512mb ram" it just doesn't work, does it?
For a Mac is a Mac is a Mac. Or if you start being snobbish about your latest Mac to other Mac devotees you're running contrary to the values of owning a Mac anyways. Being helpful, having a sense of cammaderie, and stuff.

2. The lack of games for the Mac. Seriously, you can read on and on about parallel games just as exciting, just as wonderful (alternative versions of Windows games, if you like), but the simple point is - there is still a lack of games that run on Tiger. There might be an increasing number of games developers that are catering for both Mac and Windows users, but honestly, far too many hardware-consuming games (such as First Person Shooters) are still designed for PC-based hardware.
And I'd like to digress here, really. I've been reading so much about running Windows using bootcamp (it's a Mac program) on a Mac to play games, and supposely it works just fine - but don't you find it ironic, that you have to install something you condemn (I have to admit, it's a stereotype, the typical Mac user condemning everything Windows-based) despite all its flaws, that you'd tried hard to avoid in the first place?
But anyways getting back to the main point. Talking about OS - and OS alone, Tiger, not the Mac as a product - it just doesn't have enough clout to convince gamers that their violent needs will still be satisfied if they switch to Tiger.

So I have to say, unless Apple manages to persuade many, many more citizens and developers to use its software, I would probably remain the casual yay-I-can-protect-my-own-privacy-well-most-of-it compulsive gamer who brags (sometimes) about his PC-specific computer knowledge. Who would not switch to Vista just yet, of course.

World Domination.

I want to dominate the world. By subjecting everyone to this mysterious illness where you lose control of your thoughts, all conscious rational behaviour, and can only direct your thoughts towards the next sweet thing you can do for your family, other half and all those around you.

This illness called love.

Yes I want to dominate the world.

Blue.

From a song (Blue by Euphoria) - 'I used to be able to do everything myself, now I need a little help; I used to do everything I wanted on my own, now I don't want to be alone.'

I don't know whether this is a blessing, curse, or a little of both.

I am so f***ed.

War

Everyone thinks they know what to say
Everyone thinks they know what to do
War is bad, war is terrible
War is the curse that brands us all
But they don't know what you feel
All your true emotions unspoken
Like a true soldier,
A true soldier.

What's the point of it all
You wonder
as you see your brothers die
Fighting the enemy,
You know they are thinking
But the same.
Oh you don't know it all,
Like a true soldier,
A true soldier.


Just felt like writing something that's been bothering me. Been sick with GE (gastroenteritis) last night and today and the stomach spasms have been terrible, hence am taking the time to do something enjoyable whilst I still can (while the medication lasts).

Chocoholism Pt 3.

Dear readers,

I am sorry to inform you that alas, I have succumbed to my temptations.
I ask humbly for forgiveness from those (Mei that's you) who would not get a taste of this delectable delight because of my weakness, my ill-discipline and my inability to keep my mouth shut appropriately.

I promise to buy you more genuine hand-made chocolates from this country.
And not to eat all of them.

Chocoholism Pt 2.

Chocolate.....

I need chocolate....

This post is dedicated to all the chocolate lovers out there - I am with you!

As the stars need the moon, so I need you -
With all the breath I take, so I think of you!

OK I am getting delirious.

Chocoholism

I just realised how much of a chocoholic I am now when I discovered, to my greatest horror, that I had run out of chocolates. That was like two minutes ago, when I started tearing (not crying) and sniffing uncontrollably, felt like I would really be able to rob a poor kid of his chocolate and send him to his mum to cry, and then rob him again of that precious stuff when his mum tries to placate him by buying more.
Yup.
And then I saw the chocolates I had bought for friends and relatives back home.
No I haven't succumbed to that temptation yet. But it looks more tempting by the minute - that stash of emergency medicine looks ever so sweet, ever so melt-in-your-mouth-chockful-of-goodness-whatever-cliche-you-can-think-of alluring!
Will keep you updated on my withdrawal symptoms as they come along, later.

Scars.

I realise my tattoo has now taken on another additional meaning - it now serves to remind me of a period in my life where I was quite a different person. Subtle changes, you might think - but indelible ones in my caffeine-charged conscious-craving over-loaded brain right now.
Coupled with that song Edwin sent me years ago (Scars - by Papa Roach)... my mind's gone into overdrive.
Yeah, some songs just take on that particular meaning you want them to; the simple act of sharing a song sometimes can mean so much, to those who believe in the value and power of music.

Our time.

I was just surfing through my music library when I came across the Forrest Gump soundtrack album hidden amidst my other songs. Now I didn't take note before that it actually contains quite a few 'iconic' songs from the 60s and 70s. So yup. Led me to recollect about the movie - what it was about, when I saw it, etc. Could only remember these 'snapshots' where my parents had rented the Laser Disc (yup it was that long ago) and were watching it intently, while I actually watched only scenes of it, having been pre-occupied by the computer (yep not that long ago) and being called downstairs to forcibly watch 'cause it was 'meaningful'.
Now the point is, thinking back, did it not contain so many scenes that my parents would have been familiar with? Apart from the running with the old Nike shoes of course (the epitome of their struggle through life; never stop running, life's a marathon, etc - which happens to be one of my father's favourite quotes, and which I happen to believe in as well), or the chocolate scene (yep that chocolate quote never fails to come to mind does it), but I mean more like the whole movie, the setting, the story, everything. I don't recall many other films specifically made for that target audience - do you?

Which led me to think, of course. What would go into a movie for our generation? More specifically - those born in the '80s? Going beyond the casual(or not?) mention of the various wars America fought for 'freedom' and 'democracy', what would be a common theme that would resonate with everyone our age?

What do you think?

Leaking Leaks.

So I've been following the news more frequently than I have for the past few months. The trial of 'Scooter' Libby has particularly interested me - it's got the classic elements of betrayal, suspense, shocking revelations and all that is required of a riveting court case you don't often get to see today. (Corporate trials, however shocking the accusations, always end up in legal mumble jumble, don't you think - but that's another story)

So anyways. I'd just encourage you to follow it, for it's probably gonna make several headlines in our time, and if the victors have (or don't have) their way - a Hollywood movie decades down the road.

Oh and personal comment - I think Pampers can make an interesting advert based on this, don't you?

Missing Home.

Perhaps it's the dreadful weather, perhaps it's the horrible exam I just had, or perhaps it's the guilt I feel for not having done enough work throughout the term.

Or perhaps you just don't need any reason to miss home.

Reminiscing.

Reminiscing about the old times, you often wonder why you've made the choices you could have avoided over the years - all those mistakes, all those painful temptations you've succumbed to, all those falls you could have recovered from; all the wonderful moments you've enjoyed, despite everything that should have brought you down.

It's all in the perspective you have, isn't it?

Remembering the Past.

So sometimes, you wonder why you've chosen this path you've taken.
You wonder why you've done all that you have, so far, with no concrete results to show but for the fat you've accumulated from eating far too many chocolate cookies.
You start to doubt yourself, your ability to get out of this hole you've been digging subconciously with your lack of attention to your work and everything else.

So what do you do?
You remind yourself of what it is you're doing all this for. You dive into blogs of friends, strangers, who seem to have a grip on themselves. You read your own posts, or your diary, for all that you've written, and believed in, not that long ago.
Or you just reflect. Refresh those neuronal connections you've made throughout your years of living. Think of your family and friends - how they would react when they see you in this state, and how lucky you are to be free from their clutches.
Go out with your current friends, if you're the sociable sort, or sit down in a nice cafe, and people-watch.
Drink some mocha, for the chocolate relaxes you and the coffee invigorates you.
And listen to your favourite music - whichever helps, and has helped you, before.

Or discard all that I've just written, for it's for me, and me alone, and do what works for you.

And do wear sunscreen.

Thanks Sam.

The Veggie Cafe

Just felt like gushing about this cafe in the University, really.

It's located just outside the John Rylands University Library, for those who are studying here but do not yet know of its existence. There's a billboard outside advertising its opening hours - but I wonder how enticing the words "Veggie Cafe" can be to anyone entering the library. Or perhaps it's aimed more at the people who come out of the library after several exhausting brain-busting hours at work.

So it's a quaint little cafe. Once you enter the building and descend down a flight of stairs you'll notice how it's so different here - the lighting and heating is good, the tables are spread out in neat rows, and your phone loses its reception remarkably. Oh did I mention the serenity of it all, with some radio music in the background and a general quiet buzz emanating from the place? It just feels like you've been transported back 20 years or something, when people still returned their plates when they finished with their meals (not that the staff wouldn't clear them), the people running the place are there monday-friday, and they talk in that oh-so-beautiful english accent (just right, not that thick Northern accent where you can't decipher anything other than "yes" and "now"), replete with smiles and all. You genuinely feel they are nice people who are just running the cafe for the fun of it, not the profit-driven sort who'd smile only as they're tightly grasping the notes you've barely taken out of your wallet.

And did I mention the food? Yup I am a self-confessed carnivore who likes his meat fresh and bloody, but somehow, I can't help but enjoy the veggie soups they dish up, day after day (well at least the days I'm there). Carrot & coriander; peas and mint; lentil and some other bean; mushrooms; tomato and something that I can't discern but just tastes nice... It's just good natural food, I have to admit. I mean, this is probably one of the rare few places where I don't mind subjecting myself to the torture of not having meat for an entire meal.

And the prices are quite reasonable. A soup + bread and coffee costs just 3 pounds - compared to a subway meal of 4.80 or that spicy wings and coke. Oh and of course do compare it to the not-quite-curry at the refractory just a few steps away, that costs 30p more but tastes infinitely worse, and you get my drift.

So yep. Do pop by one day. But oh be warned. I brought two freshers there one lunchtime and one of them was like, "no meat! so ex somemore!" and seemed quite perturbed by what he was eating (an egg mayo baguette, which admittedly didn't look that nice). So yeah. Go into it with an open mind (you have been warned, it is a veggie cafe and makes no pretense about it) and you just might be rewarded.

Damn.

In one of those moods again. Where you feel nothing is going right in the world, where you start to doubt the decisions you have made thus far, where you just feel generally like the tomato that's been in your malfunctioning fridge for three weeks?

When even a 3/4 tub of ben & jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice-cream doesn't help. When listening to happy songs like the yeah yeah yeah song doesn't soothe your wandering mind. When chatting to the people you hold dear to your heart doesn't dull the aching pain in your pre-frontal cortex.

I guess it is times like these that I look at my alcohol collection on my shelf and the absolut looks so, so enticing.

And of course am reminded of the time I tried Absolut Citron thinking it would taste remotely like lemon, and discovered to the horror of my cranial nerves that it tasted exactly like its cousin in the science lab in secondary school.

So no I'm not about to drink to drown my sorrows. Probably going to sleep now, and hopefully it'll be a good day.

Good day to you my friends.

So it is back online.

I am sorry, guys, but I will be a complete b****** here and tell you that after this long wait, I've decided not to change my blog layout. Have done only some minor HTML clean-up.
Why, you ask. Because I don't really care about how you feel about it.
Because this is, after all, my blog, and I decide what goes on it. A blog, after all, is my take on subjects, about my life, and about what I want to put on it, really.
If you do not like my tainted views, do not want to know about mundane details in my life - like how I ate 3/4 a tub of ben&jerry's chocolate fudge ice-cream just now - and do not agree with anything I say, f*** off.
As you can see I'm not in a particularly nice mood when I normally blog.
One last warning, f*** off before it is too late. Before your mind gets subverted by my psuedo-intelligent completely-baseless politically-uncorrect barely-veiled f***-all take on life.

Oh gosh I love this new start.

Welcome.

I know I promised you a new layout for the next school year, and in fact I am looking at HTML coding again, but I just felt I had to let this out.
I really, really cannot dance to R&B.
I was at Club Momo last night, this event called UK Bound. Basically there were like invited student (and semi-professional I think) bands playing 'rock' music until 10, then 'normal' music started to play on in the club while in this separate section some bands continued to play.
Once the music came on, I was like oh no. Not R&B music.
Well I endured for a while.
After deciding I couldn't take it anymore I ventured into the 'live' section. Bad mistake. There was this band where
1. Lead singer struggled under the huge weight of a simple tune
2. Guitar amps weren't configured correctly and
3. Guitarists couldn't play.
Yes not very pleasing to the ears.
So I was stuck with either
1. Terrible R&B music which you know my innate dislike for, or
2. Terrible electrical noises emitted by what were proper instruments, and a tone-deaf whiner.
I managed to stagger out of the club, ears smarting from the pain of it all, and managed to get some fresh air before I went back into the sonic-assault room.
And to think I had downed half a glass of vodka orange, some parts of a shot of vodka (don't ask, was forced to drink) and some beer.
Oh the night ended alright though, a different, more professional band had come on in the 'live' section when I revisited it. Had to go after awhile though.
SO this is a formal warning here. I will NOT dance to R&B music, and if you ever attempt to trick me into such a club you are liable to pay for damages to my ears, my brain and I will not be responsible to any physical or mental damage dealt to you in frustration.
I am being absolutely serious here.

I realise I haven't had a decent post for ages, so here's another half-baked one while I revamp my blog. (yup i'll be changing layout and all in the next few weeks - I promise! - before the next academic year starts)
I am currently back in Singapore, have been for a month (almost) now since I came back from Australia.
Yes I was in Australia for a month before that. Visited several interesting places like Sydney, Gold Coast, Tasmania and Melbourne. Yep in that order. Kinda. Sydney was like my base.
Yep so pretty much travelling I've done this past academic year, probably time for some preparation for the next one.
Nothing much has changed, I'd like to think - other than a few additional CDs in my collection, a few more pictures (Pamela, I promise I'll send the pictures to you before end Sept ;p) and much less cash in my bank.
And I'm currently back to rock (think Muse) rather than dance (cue Faithless). Well, mostly.

So please do continue visiting, I know who you are (I do have a stat-tracker ;p) and I do really appreciate you caring about my boring life, random rants and twisted thoughts, and I sincerely hope I have managed to subvert a few minds, subtly influenced a few (chocolate is good for you) and fuelled a few hundred connections in the neural connections of your brain as you've finished this piece of writing.

I am back.

Dear friends,
My laptop's screen isn't working. So I won't be able to blog, or chat, or play games for the next few days.
I think its retribution for using the com so much these few days.
Oh well.

Did you know that long beans make good snacks?
I bought a pack of trimmed long beans (on offer) at Sainsbury's a few days back, and decided to finish it just now. Basically boiled them in water. And just munched on them.
They're really quite nice leh. The crunchiness, flavour and all.
And they're full of vitamins, and provide 1 of your 5 daily servings of fruits and/or vegetables, if you eat enough of 'em.
So yeah, next time you feel like snacking, do keep a look out for long beans. A healthier alternative to that chocolate bar at the side of your computer right now. Which you're looking longingly at.

Of course, when you've finished all the chocs in your room, you have to source for alternative stress-busting foods, don't you?

I realise, for the first time in my life, I'm actually getting stressed for an academic exam. I mean seriously, this is like the first time I actually feel unprepared for one.
I have failed so many exams before, but yet, before each, I'd feel so full of confidence - pseudo-confidence, perhaps, but confidence nonetheless- yet this feeling I have right now...
I'm actually panicking.

Just felt like I should jot this down so I can remember, start of next academic year, or the semester after the next, to start studying right from the beginning.

Gosh. This feeling is scary.

Perhaps many of you have heard of the game Defence Of The Ancients (DOTA). Well it's not really a game in itself - it's modified from a map of Warcraft III. Now basically in the game, there can be up to 10 players (human or computer), 5 on each team, where you're supposed to annihilate the 'base' of the opposing team. You make use of 'heroes', which have various 'abilites' and 'spells' which you can 'cast', to, well, inflict damage on the opponent. You get money from killing 'creeps', or creatures, heroes of the opposing team, as well as from destroying structures the opposing team owns, which you use to buy items to improve your abilities.
So. Quite a few of you know that it's quite a craze amongst Singaporean students here in Manchester. There are like quite a few crazed addicts who play it every day, and even like on the eve of their exams. Me included - well, hopefully I won't play it tomorrow night.
I understand there are a few female readers of this humble blog, who may not understand why us guys (yup most of us crazed addicts are guys, though I do know of a girl who's equally fanatic about it) are so mad about it. I shall attempt to summarise, here, several reasons this is so.

1. It's a guy thing. As in, the testosterone-laden satisfaction of 'killing' somebody you know, being able to brag 'Hey I killed xxx number of heroes just now', and be respected (sorta) for it - its just like any blood-filled PC/video game out on the market this way, except that blood isn't graphically displayed here.
2. It's a team game. Basically puts you in teams where you have to work with your friends (whether you like them or not) and co-operate to achieve certain noble objectives. I'm sure a particular reason why some people like playing against computer opponents (when there aren't any human players, of course) is because it sort of shows some solidarity between the group of you playing in a team. Kinda like reminds me of army. In a weird way.
3. It's a good waste of time. I mean, it is (quite) mindless fun, and we all need to take a break from our studies/work and relax sometimes, right? And playing with others... its not as bad (and it won't make you feel as guilty) as playing some windows-based card game alone right?
4. It's a good use of the high-speed LAN connection that we have here at the University. I mean, since we're paying for it, why not utilise it right? Guess you can say it's a singaporean thing in this sense.

Hope that's a concise summary of the reasons why we play DOTA. If you do feel there are more that I've neglected to mention, please do add your comments. I'd greatly appreciate it.
;)

I realise I still haven't reached that stage of attainment where I can eat and study anatomy (with pictures of course) at the same time.
It still feels quite weird, even whilst eating just chocolate.
I guess I still need to desensitise myself more.
Next up, medium-rare steak while studying blood vessels of the thorax. Bring it on.

Oh, sorry for the (extremely) short posts lately.
In the midst of my exams and don't really feel like writing dissertations on the marvellous properties of helium, or the like.

I suddenly have this urge to read a 小说, a Chinese novel or short story.
Think it's its doing.
Hmm.

Somehow I recall this scene from The Weather Man, where the protagonist's dad tells him, "Like you, I've just gotten good with practice." Or something to the effect.
Do you think its true?
I certainly do.

I realise I'm quite a pessimist.
Before the whole singsoc saga, I was thinking - so what happens next, even if he's gone, will things improve? Will she be strong enough, brave enough, to lead the rest, unbiased by words all around?
Was really quite worried, to be honest.
I realise its too soon to say anything as of yet - nothing's been done, but already I sense a change in the whole atmosphere.
It should have been like that long ago, shouldn't it? Have fun planning for activities, organising them with zest. Not pressure alone.
And since we're now all in it together - there's no dartboard to aim at anymore (albeit a rainbow-coloured over-sized one incessantly shouting 'shoot me!'), let's hope we'll be able to work together despite our differences.
And with people like Sam and I behind, I think it'll work out fine, honestly. Pessimistic thoughts aside.

Don't get lost in the present.
It will all fall in place, one day.

Purpose.

Just have to remind myself sometimes. I realise I'm getting lost amongst all this excitement and fear.

Thoughts of the future creep back into my head.
Clawing at the jaws of sanity
They murmur,
Is he there yet?
Should we masquerade this cup
Of bergamot* we have
His yearnings not yet seen?

*Some researchers contend that bergamot is addictive. Which explains the large following of earl grey-sipping primly ladies who carry frilly umbrellas and wear over-sized hats.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You see why I dislike poetry? Or pseudo-poetry, or prose masquerading as poetry.
Its so open to interpretation. You can either, from the above,
1. Think I am schizo, and give a detailed explanation why you think so.
2. Critique the piece as
a) An unpolished gem of a work
b) Total rubbish not worth wasting your time on.
3. Regard it as total rubbish anyway AND think I'm getting mad.

I'm still perfectly fine, by the way. Just picking out random words floating around in my brain now. After all, words are but tools to be used and abused, aren't they?
Pesky subjects and messy servants - but wondrous toys, words are.

I realise I need a prod.
A painful kick in the butt to warn me to buck up, or else.

Is it only me or did my brain associate the two.
Not good, this is.
Need to cram more info into my brain. Need to find out more about how the heart and lungs work, and stop this bulls***.

Hurtling into uncertainty
I am
Certain of but one thing
Full-circle this will come
To haunt me.

Interesting ey. The stuff you come up with when you're stressed.

Exams start on Monday.
And yet I have so, so many things on my mind.

I realise I've been hanging out too often with Singaporeans (and Malaysians).
I've lost my pseudo-British accent.
Was speaking, rather, trying to speak, with this elderly half-deaf patient when I realised this.
Not good.

Fun with Music

Instructions: Dig out your music player under the bed and put it on shuffle. If there isn't any shuffle mode on it, it means it's about time you get a new one. Say the following questions aloud, making sure nobody's around you, in case you're mistaken as being crazy. Press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Oh, and no cheating please.

How does the world see me?
So Nice (Samba de Verao) - Eliane Elias
Haha... This sounds promising

Will I have a happy life?
Better Together - Jack Johnson
Hmm. ;)

What do my friends think of me?
It's My Life - Bon Jovi
Arrogant? Withdrawn, perhaps? That I want to lead my own life? Hmm.

Do people secretly lust after me?
There She Goes - Sixpence None The Richer
Haha... Shan't comment ;)

How can I make myself happy?
Pushing The Senses - Feeder
Perhaps I should, eh. And perhaps I will, in my future career. Or life.

What should I do with my life?
Laura - Scissor Sisters
OK this doesn't make sense. Next one...

Someday - Embrace
Interesting - go have a look at the lyrics ;)

Will I ever have children?
For One Night Only - Bodyrockers
Hmm.
;)

What is some good advice for me?
This Love - Maroon 5
...

How will I be remembered?
Return to Oz - Scissor Sisters
Perhaps we all will, one day.

What is my signature dancing song?
We Come 1 - Faithless
Oh yeah, a dance song! Yes give me house and you'd have a better chance of seeing me dancing :P

What do I think my current theme song is?
Quutamo - Apocalyptica
Hmm. Kinda I guess. Go figure.

What does everybody think my current theme song is?
Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet
Haha... hopefully not now eh ;)

What song will be played at my funeral?
Demon Days - Gorillaz
!!!

What type of men/women do I like?
You're Beautiful - James Blunt
Yup I like beautiful women. And no I don't mean appearances. ;p

What is my day going to be like?
Never Know - Jack Johnson
Haha... how apt.

Realised on the way back today that I've spent 8 months here already.
Wow.

In the end, its not the effort that you put in, its the results that matter.
1 1/2 days of running around looking for sponsors, countless more hours spent typing emails to various sources of funding and persuading people to turn up...
9 people, and 1 lousy voucher from a travel agency.
I sometimes wonder if I'm doing too much for no recognition.

I guess I'm glad I have a clear conscience though.

Hello everyone! I'm back from my trip.
Just to update you : I actually took the Eurostar to Belgium to meet Deb on the 8th, went to Cologne in Germany on the 9th and 10th, back to Belgium, then on to Barcelona from the 12th to 20th. Back to belgium on the 20th, when I came back on the same day.
Anyways.
Will write more on my experiences when I feel like it ;)
Oh but to summarise, Brussels, Leuven and Genk were just so picturesque (to borrow deb's words ;)); Cologne was a shopping heaven (should have bought more stuff there!!) and Barcelona was so much like Singapore I felt like I was home! Nice weather and all... Sigh beginning to miss home more already.
Shall blog more later ;)

So I'm in one of those moods again.
Where emotions overcome, passion overflows and I'm at a loss of words.
Do you ever get one of these moods?
Where your feelings overwhelm you. You feel like saying, Thanks, and have a good day, to all that you're close to.
Perhaps its because I'm high on chocolates.
Or maybe its because after marvelling at them, savouring every one of them, and thinking of the time my friends have spent selecting them - I'm sure their choices weren't random - I just feel so thankful I have so many friends over here.
Sure we all have different personalities; we may not yet be bosom friends who know exactly what each other are thinking - but in the end, does it matter?
Is it not the genuine friendship we share that matters? That which is not tainted by societal pressures, hidden motives and sinister sniping behind artificial smiles?

And I've not forgotten about you, friends in singapore. I believe distance is relative - I may be 13 hours, or a few seconds away with a simple phonecall.
We may both be busy with our lives, but believe me when I say that you're an integral part of my life no matter where you are. My brother may have lost my phone (and with it all your contact numbers) but be assured I'll make every effort to contact every one of you when I'm back.
Ed that includes you; ayline eh I'll type an email to u soon hehe.

Mark: Sorry I can't attend your graduation (wanted to be back in time for my mum's birthday) but you'll know I'll be there in spirit. Plus US is just a few hours away, christmas perhaps? ;)

Pamela: I'll see you in june/july, we'll catch up more then ;) Not that we'll stop chatting in the meantime lah ;p

LM: There are too many people reading this blog, so I'll spare the goosebumps for everyone else and just say this. I love you.

Mei: You know I may not say this, but it is especially in these past few months that I realise how much I love and miss everyone. Help me convey this to Ma and Pa somehow yah ;p

Yup one of those moods again.

And now that I've the time to blog, I have to say, I'm really relieved this whole paper-writing thing is done.
4123 words leh.
So damn long... so many papers to read... couldn't go out, felt stressed and all last weekend.
Strangely though, now I feel so empty. Tired, perhaps, from the 3-4 hours of sleep I managed to get this morning and the sleep deficit I've accumulated throughout the week; feeling abit down, maybe, as the caffeine and chocolate high I had from this morning's gone and coke's not absorbed yet.
Hmm.

I realise that I may be addicted to the thrill of completing things at the last minute. Completed my paper today at 3:15pm, went to stopford building to print it and reached at 3:30pm. Went into Microlab 3, this computer lab near the entrance. Discovered I couldn't print.
Thought OK, there's still another lab. Went to above-mentioned lab (microlab 4). Yay. After some minor alterations to my document (am using openoffice) printed a copy.
Tried to print another as we need to submit two. Couldn't.
Discovered my credit was negative. Checked time: 415pm.
Ran up to common room where there's a stall selling drinks and stuff, bought a coke, ran down to top up printing credit. (The machine's in microlab 3.)
Ran back to Microlab 4, managed to print out another copy.
Time check: 430pm.
Went to bind my stuff - long queue. Decided I might as well drink my coke, since I'd bought it.
Went up to submit after it was done : 450pm.
Deadline for submission was 5pm.

For some reason i couldn't help smiling throughout the whole process.

Oh no.

Thanks everyone. :D

Quotes of the day!
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - Wolfgang Pauli (1900 - 1958), on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague
Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything. - John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - )
[Poetry] is the lava of the imagination whose eruption prevents an earthquake. - Lord Byron (1788 - 1824)
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. - Fletcher Knebel
I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some. - Herbert Rappaport
A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost. - Ferdinand Foch (1851 - 1929)

Get them from Quotationspage

Yeah that was lame I know.
But seriously. Did I blog something about jokes before? In case you haven't read that, I once borrowed this book from the library, written by this jewish author, on jokes. Analysing the reasons why jokes are funny, why we find certain jokes funny but not anothers, and the like.
Gave some concrete examples of Jewish jokes which I didn't find any funny at all. Well I guess which proved his point.
But thing is, I didn't get Any of his jokes in the book. It was written quite some decades ago, but do jokes really change so fast?
I mean, I have quite an old-school sense of humour I believe (my toot-ness) so eh. Does dissecting a joke really remove the humour from it? (yeah med and/or health science students might get this one)
Oh well.

You know, its quite weird how the Brits are known for their dry humour. I mean, with the constantly overcast weather and incessant drizzle, you would expect a lot more moisture in their humour wouldn't you?
And yet the Americans are the ones who excel at telling dirty jokes.
I really wonder why.

I believe I'm currently on a high from eating a rich icing-coated carrot-and-walnut-cake with lots of sugar innit, and reading silly lame jokes.
I believe the world is round, the sky is blue, and I am hallucinating.
I can bet this cake contains quite a bit of alcohol.

Now that I've sufficiently recovered from my illness (I feel) and nasty experience at the GP, I can objectively write about what I've been through the past few days.
Can't remember when my illness started. Must have been quite long, as some of you remember. Started off with sore throat, occasional stomach upsets, nausea and lethargy, generally. And some episodes of fever.
On Sunday night it reached 38 degrees. I was like, OK, need to see a doc. Called to say I needed an urgent appointment, was told by the nurse I would have to go at 12:45 and still have to wait. (It was 830am.)
Thought hey, at least I've an appointment for the day itself, not like the previous time where they said I'd hafta wait 2 weeks. Yeah seriously. So reached there around 12:15pm.
Got a queue number, waited.. hey I actually got called in at 12:50pm! Thought to myself, not bad.
Well guess what. Objectively speaking, the GP was the worst doctor I've seen in my life.
EVERYTHING we've been taught not to do, she did; EVERYTHING we were instructed to do, she didn't.
Let me describe.
Look of disdain - irritation, even? - "So what's wrong with you?"
"I've got a sore throat for the past few weeks, some episodes of stomach upset, and fever, etc..." Tried to explain.
Got cut off in less than a minute.
By this curt nod. And her rising off her perch.
Walked over, without a smile (and slight look of irritation?? on her face) and felt for the lymph nodes in my neck. Painfully. "You feel pain there?"
"Aaaah! Yes..."
Curt nod again. Shone torch in both pupils. Rotated my head around (?? Someone tell me why??)
And then wrote down a prescription. Said to me, "Take these, 21, and you will be fine."
Antibiotics. No mention of completing the course, taking how many times a day, etc.
Yes just antibiotics. Nothing for fever and sore throat. Well nothing for analgesia/pain relief lah.
End of appointment.

I was like. WTF man.
Its been 3 days and I'm still smarting over it. You know I actually think it might be the first case of discrimination I've encountered? She was an Indian female in her 50s or 60s, and I heard laughter when the previous patient was in the room. An Indian, obviously.
Yes you know me, I usually am Completely colour-blind and completely imperceptive when it comes to such stuff.
I was that affected.

But.
Logically thinking, it can't be discrimination, since racism is well and truly wiped out in this free country.
So it all boils down to medical professionalism, and doctor-patient communication.
One of the core reasons why doctor-patient communication is so much emphasised in our curriculum.

Oh by the way I'm sufficiently recovered, fever's more or less gone and throat's feeling much better. Can swallow solid food now ;)

What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
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Its snowing!!! YAY!!!! :D
Ventured out into the snow to do my laundry today. Thought I'd wear a little more, with jeans replacing my shorts. Slippers still on.
I'm glad I returned in one piece, with my toes still intact.
But it was fun hehe!
:D

Just felt like watching a movie this whole week. Escape from reality for that few minutes, really.
Finally got the chance to, just now. Watched The Weather Man.
Go watch it.
For some reason I just felt like saying, Love you, Mum. And Dad. And my whole family.
In fact, to everyone I know. I love you all.
Its never too late to say "I love you" to anyone you love, really.

Words of interest for today:
Jobernowl - Blockhead
Logodaedalus - Someone skilled in the manipulative use of words
Incompossible - Incapable of co-existing
Supernaculum - To the last drop

;)

Its strange how things turn out in the end.
I got rejected in my application for Lemington, the house (hall accommodation) I was to share with the girls (and guy).
This might seem hypocritical, but seriously, if my application had gone through successfully, I wouldn't have known how to decide. I took such a long time to submit the form, precisely because I thought I'd made up my mind, but then this alternative popped up.
Basically I'm sharing a flat with 2 other medics, nice place, carpark spaces, ensuite toilet, and its ground floor with a porch that opens up into the carpark so bbq is possible ;)
Oh kitchen, dryer, washing machine, fridge and freezer provided, utility bill is capped for the year.
But yeah. If I had gotten Lemington, I would really have been torn - would i honour a promise I'd made, or go for a decidedly better option?
Hmm. What do you think, my friends.

I have to confess, I am not an altrustic person. I do not want to know every detail of your life, I do not want to be the person that your pour your heart out to.
I get the impression you want my empathy, you want me to care, you want me to be a pillar of support behind that fragile wall.
Don't you understand I can't? I'm not as nice a person I seem to be. I dictate how my heart works, and I have to cage it, sometimes. I just don't have the capacity to care for you if I don't feel I can count on you.
Yes I am a mercurial person, didn't you know that?
Yes I do have a barometer when it comes to making soulmates - if you don't fit my criteria, if you don't know what you want in life, if I don't agree with your goals in life, I'm sorry but I can't trust you with the depths of my heart.
Murky as they are.

Just feel like letting this out, really. Aforementioned person doesn't know of the existence of this blog, I hope.
Come to think of it, I don't care if he/she knows. I'm really tired of distancing myself when I haven't had the need to do so ever before.

Feeling sorry, isolated and alone
Out in this wilderness of a winter wonderland
I search for my sweet cherry
Buried beneath layers of filth.
I'm not an innocent boy after all,
Much as I try to make it true.

It snowed today. I missed most of it.

There are some days which are just wretched, aren't there? Where despite doing everything that's cheered you up in the past, you just can't seem to right any wrong? When even the fresh unsullied snow mocks you instead of lightening that oppresive load on your mind?

Sigh. Another one of those days.

I have this thing about watches.
I remember in the past, when I was in primary and even secondary school (started from p4 I think) I used to change watches once a year. Yah quite a waste of money come to think of it. But my excuse then to my mum would always be, the battery's running out! (And indeed they Do run out after one year, or thereabouts) And she would bring me shopping for watches. One of the rare things I liked to shop for. Yes I hated shopping.
Oh she would always bring me to this small shop in Thomson Plaza, which sold, and still sells I think, Casio watches. Authorised dealer leh. So yah, I would just go there, happily choose a watch, be told it doesnt look nice on me, insist on it, and get it. I guess I sorta knew the price range my mum was looking at too, and 'upgraded' my watches like slowly, as I grew up.
Oh approaching JC I had this stainless steel watch which I kept for two years. Loved it, but it got lost in the army. Sigh.
Bought my first watch, using my own money, in the army. Cost me a bomb then, like, 3/4 of my allowance.
Promised myself then that I'll wear it for as long as I can - and I still am wearing it. In fact, I don't think I'll ever change it - I have another one for more formal events [yup thanks for the watch guys ;) ] and that might change as I conform to societal pressures - but this one will always be with me. Heck I'll keep it in a glass box or something if its beyond reasonable repair.
Yup I just like the versatility of it - the stainless steel and 'hands' giving it some form of sensibility; the alternating rubber pieces showing my individualistic side (conforming, yet rebelling, at the same time); the electronic functions, and the digital time shown, lurking beneath its sensible exterior; the horribly loud colours of the backlight (purple and green) providing conversational topics (I like it despite its flaws)...
I just love my watch.

No this is not some random rant or egoistic display of pretentious pride, btw, though I do love my watch.

What you need to do is to look into his or her eyes, listen to what he/she is saying, and make him/her believe he/she is the only one in the world worth listening to - the focal point of the universe - in that whole conversation. Suspend all personal beliefs temporarily; take note of every detail he/she is saying; show that you are taking note.
Then if you want to disagree, don't take a stand. Let him/her take it. Ask him/her questions that prove the validity of his/her statement. Ask nicely. Show that you are really interested in the statement - believe it is true - but just want to clarify some simple doubts about certain minute details.
Applying this to a large group - speak to each and every member of the audience. Converse with them, with your eyes. Don't look through them as if they are ants in a horde, waiting to bite at every wrong word you utter - look at them. You are on their side.
And wear a suit.

Yup too much coffee again. Just thinking aloud, in general. And yeah I admit I do do the above, sometimes when I talk to you, my dear friends. And I know this might sound quite artificial now, but that is because I really want to get to know you better, no ulterior motives like getting a raise or something for me. There is a reason why I've taken my blog add off my friendster profile - I've let you, yup you selected few, know of the existence of this blog because I want you to know me.
I'm not really a good person either - I assume a different exterior, one that perhaps people just want to know - but I know I don't have any regrets in what good friends I've made over the years, and whom I've let slip my innermost feelings and thoughts.

Don't know why, but I recall this moment when Shumei and I were having this conversation in this quaint little cafe (Big Hands) near university. There were people around, so I started using words like "copulation" and "declarations of love" hoping nobody'd notice such archaic language.
Hoping lah.
But yeah. She said something in response I'd remember for life - "What declarations of love lah, copulation lah... Yuan.. why you so toot one?"
But I am, what. Don't see why I should change this side of myself.
;)

I'm down with the flu.
Well, technically, I don't know for sure, since I only have a running nose, slight cough and fever. And haven't had any tests done to confirm whether I've been infected by a virus, bacteria, fungus or other assorted micro-organisms.
But yeah. Tried to sleep the whole day off today. Drank like 6 litres of water? Tried to flush out everything, basically.
And had ice-cream, chocolates and 2 bananas in strawberry and toffee sauce.
I need the energy to fight the infection lah. Staving off invaders is quite tiring for the defenders of your immune system you know.
But yeah. Declared to all and sundry that I'm sick (on msn), and a senior msged me, asking if I was lovesick.
No I'm not, but it definitely doesn't help.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Erm yeah. I do realise also that I derive pervese pleasure from throwing out pseudo-cheem english phrases and words in my writing. Somehow it helps me let off steam lah.
Please forgive me yah? If I've hurt you, my reader, unwittingly, I sincerely apologise for my lack of decorum, good taste (in words) and a fake arrogance I can't take off my persona.
Sorry lah.

And to prove that my mind is still working, here's one example of what I've just memorised:
You know the mucociliary escalator I was writing about the last time? The swallowing of assorted bacteria, dust and the debris your vacuum cleaner missed the last time you swiped it on the floor? Well it doesn't just work from nose to gullet. It also works from lungs to gullet. So basically you swallow all of the above, AND that damn chemical you smelled and swore never to get close to again in the secondary school/JC science lab.

On a lighter note, we have such a great immune system that we can afford the over 50 million macrophages (blood cells that 'eat' bacteria and assorted junk) that perish in that same mucus each day after doing what it is they're supposed to do.

Oh you don't want to hear about disgusting mucus anymore? OK then, here's another interesting tidbit. If your lungs ever collapse (due to various reasons, like a stab to the chest) it is relatively easy to remove the air in your pleural cavity. Basically you just need to stick a tube (after adminstering local anasthetics, of course) and let the air and/or blood flow out. Your lungs will 'reinflate' after some time.

And if ever you feel that you should take up smoking, here's another interesting one: if you are male, 15-30, and smoke heavily, you're more likely to suffer from a spontaneous pneumothorax. Basically means your lungs will 'deflate' (sorta) for no reason.
Of course you might die from it.


And yes I do realise I'm posting quite morbid stuff. But are we not morbid creatures seeking to run free, underneath all that mascara and machismo?

I feel old, immature, brash, indecisive, soothed, yet rumpled. All at the same time.

And I feel like getting a car. :(

I was in a dream of my own
Wandering through the aimless night
When you called my name.
Once, twice - I heard it resonate in the sky
Seeing it, hearing it.

I've not fallen to such depths
Of this abyss so sweet
Enveloping, distracting, basking me in its cold hard shadow
Oh so sweet.

Such a mishmash, such a mess
Such is the sweet sugar of love.
So powerful, so non-dimensional,
Yet so very real.

Can I be sure of hers
Mine, or the eyes of others lying so distant
They could never know?

Oh how I am struck by the pangs of love
Clawing, tearing, decimating.
Oh sweet, sweet love.


Wonder how a psychologist would read into this.
Oh was studying in the library today (still am at the time of writing) and felt bored. Started writing and hey it developed a mind and momentum of its own. Perhaps partially fuelled by Faithless, chocolate-covered coffee beans and Skittles. And pure, unadulterated boredom, of course.

You know how some people just make you let down your guard subconsciously, implacably, insuperably?
How he/she breaks down that sky-high wall you've constructed around yourself to prevent those darn chemicals from seeping in - with so much ease that you wonder why you built them in the first place?
How he/she makes you lose that last ounce of self-control you possessed when dealing with people.
How he/she unleashes the darkest secrets you've kept buried deep beneath the murky depths of your heart.
How he/she makes you realise how vulnerable you really are, beneath that dark exterior - that masquerade mask you constantly wear - up till now.

How he/she makes you consume just that one more bar of chocolate without feeling any guilt whatsoever.

;)

http://netdoctor.msn.co.uk/uk/msn/news/index.jsp?id=6943&D=23&M=1&Y=2006

Hmm.

Perhaps I should really make a top 50 songlist. OK here's one then. Wanted to rank them but realised I really can't do so. I really like these songs, all of them.
1. Howie Day - Collide
2. Embrace - Gravity
3. Audioslave - Be Yourself
4. Snow Patrol - How To Be Dead
5. Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
6. Bodyrockers - I Like The Way
7. Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes
8. Papa Roach - Scars
9. Apocalyptica - Ruska
10. Faithless - Don't Leave
11. The Eagles - Hotel California
12. Led Zepplin - Stairway To Heaven
13. Jars Of Clay - Love Song For A Saviour
14. 3 Doors Down - Be Like That
15. Lifehouse - You And Me
16. Fun Lovin' Criminals - I'm Not In Love
17. Fatboy Slim feat. Macy Gray - Demons
18. Britney Spears - Toxic
19. Simple Plan - Perfect
20. Green Day - Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
21. Cake - I Will Survive
22. Smashmouth - I'm A Believer
23. Creed - One Last Breath
24. Dido - Thank You
25. Five For Fighting - Superman (It's Not Easy)
26. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
27. Gomez - Shot Shot
28. Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
29. Hoobastank - The Reason
30. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
31. Maria Mena - You're The Only One
32. Massive Attack - Angel
33. Moby - Porcelain
34. Norah Jones - Come Away With Me
35. Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger
36. Our Lady Peace - Whatever
37. Robbie Williams - She's The One
38. Scissor Sisters - Filthy/Gorgeous
39. Sepultura - Roots Bloody Roots
40. Maxi Jazz feat. Robbie Williams - My Culture
41. Prodigy - Firestarter
42. The Chemical Brothers - Hey Boy Hey Girl
43. U2 - Beautiful Day
44. Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
45. Coldplay - Yellow
46. Audioslave - Show Me How To Live
47. Fatboy Slim - Slash Dot Slash
48. Chantal Kreviatzuk - Leaving On A Jet Plane
49. Fun Lovin' Criminals - Scooby Snacks
50. Basement Jaxx - Do Your Thing

Sorry ah kiezin only read your blog today and knew i kena meme-ed heh.
Alright here goes then. (Sam I'll do urs later heh)
Rules:
1. Post the top 20 OR 30 OR 50 most frequently played songs in your player for the past one year.
2. Name five victims to pass the game on.

OK here are my top 50 songs (in alphabetical order of artists):
1. 3 Doors Down - Better Life
2. 8mm - Nobody Does It Better
3. Apocalyptica - Epilogue (Relief) [Reflections]
4-5. Apocalyptica - Life Burns!; Ruska [Apocalyptica]
6-12. Audioslave - Cochise, Show Me How To Live, Gasoline, What You Are, Like A Stone, Getaway car, The Last Remaining Light [All from album: Audioslave]
13-14. Audioslave - Be Yourself, Doesn't Remind Me [Album: Out Of Exile]
15. Basement Jaxx - Do Your Thing
16-17. Blur - Crazy Beat, Sweet Song [Album: Think Tank]
18. Blur - Song 2
19-21. Bodyrockers - Handel On Your Face, I Like The Way, Round and Round
22. Bread - Make It With You
23. Britney Spears - Toxic
24. Cake - I Will Survive
25-26. The Calling - Wherever You Will Go, Stigmatized (Album: Camino Palmero)
27. Chantal Kreviatzuk - Leaving On A Jet Place
28. Charles Wright & The Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band - Express Yourself (Mocean Worker Remix)
29. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
30. Coldplay - Yellow
31-34. Creed - With Arms Wide Open, Higher, One Last Breath, My Sacrifice
35. Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter (Acoustic Version)
36. Daniel Powter - Bad Day
37. Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
38-39. Dave Matthews Band - 41, Crash Into Me
40. Death In Vegas - Hands Around My Throat
41-42. Dido - Here With Me, Thank You
43-44. Dire Straits - Romeo And Juliet, Brothers In Arms
45. Dope - No Chance
46. The Dysfunctional Psychedelic Waltons - Payback Time
47. Eagle-eye Cherry - Save Tonight
48-50. Eagles - Hotel California, Desperado, Get Over It

How ah. I'm still stuck at E.

On a lighter note, the skiing trip was AWESOME.
Picked up skiing again, and by the end of the week was skiing down slopes so steep they'd need an hour and a few hundred calories (not to mention litres of water) to climb.
Got so high skiing down those same slopes at such high speeds, yet knowing I could control how I'd end up1 at the bottom (but for once) that I ended up doing more than 10 ski runs a day on the final few days. Yep basically took different chair lifts (those dangling thingies) up various slopes2, and whizzed down them feeling absolutely exhilarated.
And it wasn't just the skiing that was good. Dinner we had each night was absolutely amazing - got to try different dishes like paella, meat fondue3, marvellous steaks and amazingly fresh oysters. Was looking forward to trying something different every night.
And the company was great too. Mark, with two of his cambridge female friends...
Oh did I mention I got to use ALL of my medication I brought along for the first time? The dressings and antiseptic cream; the bo zhai pills; the medicated oil... Panadol was almost used too. Damn drama-packed trip, with one female friend suffering from various ailments, not to mention our getting injured in various places and suffering from assorted strained muscles, of course.

Absolutely amazing trip, I tell you.

____________________________________________________________________
1 Still standing, but of course.
2 Some classified "advanced" - for advanced skiiers.
3 Meat fondue, apparently, is really just (slightly marinated) meat dipped in hot oil. Yes not kidding.

A cascade of events
So unpredictable.
Don't know how it started
Or its torturous ending.
Never anticipating; yet always knowing,
How a trip like this would but sadly end.

I should really stop being so nice.

Yes I seem to be fairly stressed recently. I'm going on a ski trip from tomorrow to next sunday, and my exam's on the wednesday after the next.
Yes I'm nowhere near completing my studying.
Yes I'm starting to panic. Just that wee bit.
Yes I'll be bringing my books along to study on the trip, don't you worry.

:P

You know, sometimes the weirdest situations can inspire some good mental exercise. Like just now, when I was sick of studying, had had a meal at Macs, and was walking back in the cold¹, I actually started reflecting on the past year. On how I'm like as a person. How people might perceive me. And the like.
Perhaps the firing of random neurons is one of the ways our body creates warmth and maintains normal body temperature - mental exercise may just be as efficient as the mild physical exertions² you do when you're cold.
I mean seriously, we all know when our mind is focused on something, we tend to forget the various stimuli around us right?
Don't you think this is a reasonable extension of that common phenomenon? The physical and apparent manifestation of but yet another homeostatic mechanism in our iniquitously complicated bodies?
__________________________________________________________________
¹With cup of cold Coke in my hand. Which definitely didn't help the circulation in my hands.
²Like shivering, lah.

It has really been a great year, 2005.
Went to London, then Sheffield (and Peterborough), then London again, then back to Sheffield! In the space of 2 weeks. Which was extremely fun, heart-warming, and... just great, really.
Visited my parents' friend's family (and his brother's family), my aunt(+husband) from Australia (and her daughter + husband, yep the one who lives in London), Deb and Jessica.
*contented sigh*

And its not just the past 2 weeks. The whole year... its been really eventful. Perhaps one of the best years of my life up to now in fact. Shall elaborate when I feel more... reflective.

Now I'm happy just to bask in my contentment and enjoyment of this wonderful moment. :)