Oh went to this performance today. Dame Gilian Weir. On the esplanade's pipe organ.
Damn impressive.
The pipe organ. You should really go see/listen to it one day. Seriously.

Anyways. Saw a lot of st nick's girls, ang mohs and people dressed nicely. As in you could see they were people of some "class" or "repute" lah.

As some of the pieces weren't that impressive (to me), I had quite some time to think of some stuff.
OK clarification here, the pieces were actually fantastic. She displayed a technical expertise and virtuosity I've seen only once before; her playing was subtle, yet forceful; the music evoked scenes of jubilation, solemnity and serenity (different pieces of course) and the impressive acoustics of the place accentuated the marvellous accents and nuances of the music....

I'm jus... too boorish to like all dat lah.

OK. So thoughts.

1. Yay! They're promoting cultural appreciation and all that stuff in schools!!! (Very brief thought) But why are they in UNIFORM?! I mean... esplanade... uniform...?????

2. Singaporean audiences are just.... not mature enough to attend cultural performances. I'm totally serious about this, I was very close to shouting "SHUT UP!!!" in the middle of the performance. There were shuffling noises (of What I don't know), sounds of people leafing through their booklets (During the performance! And Loudly!!!) and incessant coughing.
Coughing is OK, but I don't believe coughs get worse during the "quieter" sections of pieces.
Its like you can tell they're uncomfortable with those sections lah. And have to like do something to make themself more at ease / ease their boredom.
Come on, man, I was bored too. But I believe you have to show respect to the performer, even if you don't appreciate the music he/she is performing.
You know there were some sections where I was just about to immerse myself in the music (seriously!) when a stupid cough jus spoilt my whole mood?
Damn pissed off about it.

3. You know like attending social functions are a sign of your, well, social status rite? Well I've been thinking, are there many people out there who attend such performances jus to get noticed by others? To show their "appreciation for the arts", and to create conversation topics. I mean, you can't talk about soccer (Oh Liverpool sucks!!!) with your fellow party-goers rite.
And which led to my other thought, so Why is it some topics are not conversation-worthy for the rich and famous? Why the need for special exclusive ones that only they can talk about? Isn't there more to life than the latest fashion line from Godknowswho or the price of some worthless commodity? Is it an inferior complex in disguise?
Or is it just a human instinct? A desire to be above others. To be part of an exclusive group.
Am I going to turn out just like that? Spout rubbish over worthless liquids marketed like holy water? (Yes I'm referring to fine wine. Social drinking of wine is jus detrimental to your health lah. Admit it.)

4. I will Not turn out to be just another member of the above-mentioned. My life will be more than just the pursuit of wealth and exclusivity.
And I will try to change, from now on.

You know, I should feel happy that I've been accepted to Manchester? It's medicine! It's a good university! There's positive vibes about that place!

I dunno. Maybe its just... I haven't done enough, or seen enough of Manchester? Compared to Duke. I went there, spoke with the professors there, spent so much effort on the admissions process....
Manchester? I wrote my personal statement on the very deadline, in jus one morning. Went to the interview. Jus... spoke to the interviewers about my medic life.
And I got in.
And I haven't recieved the letter from Duke.

Its like, my brain tells me, hey you LIKE wat you're doing now, you're Good at what you're doing, and you Want to do it for a purpose!
And my heart tells me I like Duke. And as long as I haven't received any letter, I still have a chance.
OK its jus a general feeling. You can't really describe your feelings accurately can you? (But that's another story/post.)

Its kinda dumb lah. In the end I'll jus go with my brain¹ and probably will look back and think "oh what was all that about" in a few years/months time. But still... sigh.
I'm too emotional lah I guess. (Yes, underneath it all :P)

---------------------------------------------------------------------
¹Yes. Brain. Not head. Your head is much more than your brain, and the rest of your head has nothing to do with your thought processes (in this aspect), unless you speak to yourself, which is of course a different story.

I've been offered a place in Manchester. Medicine.

Hmm.

A lot to say... but I'll just let it sink in first.

Wow.

met a girl today.
have to... get her out of my head.
argh.

-------------------

oh. met my father's godbrother's family for a short while. They were like leaving when I got home.
His daughter jus reminds me of this ex-classmate I know. Who I would have pursued if I had more guts and an elevated testosterone level in JC. And well, a desire/desperate need to get hitched.

------------------

Note: These are two unrelated girls.
And I'm no pervert.
But I realise my hormones are working on overtime tonight. ¹

------------------

¹Yes for your information they rarely do. I'm quite an asexual person actually. OK was.
I repeat², its amazing what Army does to you.

²See my previous posts (a while back)³

³Yes I've been reading too much Terry Pratchett.

Did some Major spring-cleaning today. Disposed of quite a bit of rubbish I'd been keeping for years, like old test papers, compositions and comprehensions.
(Oh why did I keep them, you ask? Erm. Ask my mum?)
Discovered that I have quite a flair for writing narrative essays. Well, at least that's what my teachers indicated in their comments/scores. ;)
Particularly liked this essay in which I described an ant, his insatiable craving for sugar (oh! imagine his unadulterated joy at sinking his teeth into the pure, precious grains he had sought so long for!) and his journey from his home to a tub of sugar.
Oh got the inspiration from seeing an actual dead ant wallowing (ok i imagined dat) in my container of sugar.
Ah how i miss narrative compositions.
*and a lonely tear inched his way pensively, wistfully down his cheek*

But oh!!!!

There Are certain parts to my character that I don't, and won't, reveal on my blog.

Yeah, my good points, basically.

I'm a very humble person you know. :D

Hmm. Do I know you, icymistral? Interesting message you left me there.

Well. Am I more than my entries? I would say no, actually.

If you do actually read every one of my posts, you Will get a pretty good idea of who I am as a person.

No I don't earn extra credit/cash for every "past posts" link you click there. :P

I'm on duty on Valentine's Day!

And I've been forced to go to this deployment from the 21st to the 23rd of this month!

Been forced to shift my extraction to the 4th of march!

Feeling damn pissed.

Why can't they just FUCKING leave me alone???

I'm about to ORD damnit.

Oh I'm allowed to swear and curse aren't I? CNY's not exactly here so soon.

Did I mention that UNC has rejected me?

And I had the greatest confidence tbat I would enter UNC, if not Duke or Manchester.

Perhaps I'll stay in singapore after all, even after all this talk.

Attended my australian cousin's wedding dinner (well, sorta) tonight.

Tasted XO for the first time.

Bleah.

Sweet, bitter, and with a taste that pierces your tongue, why would Anyone like XO???

Tried diluting with Coca-cola.

Ever tasted bitter coca-cola? :P

Pondered about the meaning of life again today.

Read Tuesdays with Morrie again.

Thought more about the meaning of life.

Oh the song by Bread? It's titled "If".

Thanks christina. :)

Oh i've done a major clean-up of my desk. Found some old... poems? lyrics? I composed a few years back. I'd like to jot them down here before I throw the cards away.

-----------------
The gift of life they say has come
In tables, capsules made-to-order
Gorge yourselves on them - they've no side effects
Liver damage, heart cirrosis all but detractions.

----------------
I just can't understand you.
Tried so hard
Achieved ur aims
Did irreversible damage to your body and soul.
What do you want from this life?
Lofty targets, forbidden riches, self-destruction
You've accomplished it all....

---------------
Now that I've released myself
From this plague accursed
I've never felt so much better

---------------

Pretty bad, I'd admit they are. But well I'd say they describe some of my thoughts, and they certainly stimulated some neural channels, triggered some chemical response, and helped me utilise my brain jus dat little bit more.

OK lah. i jus wanted to post something new. Satisfied? :P

hmm jus got reminded dat i havent updated this blog for quite a while.

well. summary of my life :

- Waiting for ORD. April 9th's the exact date; having my wisdom teeth removed on the 18th of Feb and not going back to work after that.
- Waiting to have my wisdom teeth extracted. In Apprehension.
- Oh cause they're all gonna be removed at one shot. All 4. Was informed that I wouldn't be able to eat after dat for a few days.
- Oh did i mention waiting to ORD?

now u see why i haven't been updating my blog don't u.

I've wanted to write about this for a long time.

Euthanasia.

Is it an immoral thing to do? Let's say you're a doctor, and you're asked by a patient to end his/her suffering. Will you do it?

He's suffering in this world. Can't eat, drink, or do anything, basically. He's dying, slowly, but surely.

Can you bring yourself to do it?

You know, a few weeks before my grandpa passed away, there was this time where the family had to decide whether to insert a feeding tube into him. He had this condition where he could no longer swallow anything, even water.

My extended family was extremely divided on this matter. Some of my relatives felt he had suffered enough - he could no longer recognise anyone besides my family, could not talk, do the things he normally did, had to be assisted when going to the toilet, and was in constant pain. Why prolong his suffering?

My mum, particularly, felt that as long as he could be happy with his family around him, why end his life?

We couldn't ask my grandpa for his opinion. Think he couldn't understand.

Well we inserted the feeding tube. And a urinary catheter as well. He later passed away 'cause of an infection caused by the catheter. Apparently its quite easy to get an infection 'cause of the insertion.

You know, my uncle, a doctor, specifically warned that the risk of infection from inserting a catheter was quite high.

So we prolonged his life, or suffering, watever way u look at it, for a few weeks.

Worth it?

Oh at the end of his life, just before he passed away, the doctors at the hospital did not perform CPR or other life-saving measures for him. That is called "passive euthanasia" and is allowed in most medical societies.

I guess I was guilty of passive euthanasia as well. I was right next to him when he passed away, taking his pulse, feeling his life slip slowly away, and finally when it did I didn't do anything.

I couldn't bring myself to perform CPR on his fragile body.


Now compare that to Active Euthanasia, or assisting in the suicide of a patient who requested it.
And Involuntary Euthanasia, or the removal of life support to someone who has been in a "persistent vegetative state" and probably never will recover consciousness.

Active euthanasia is probably unacceptable to most people, me too, probably, but involuntary euthanasia?

I don't know. The whole idea of having the power to extend a patient's life, but having the responsibility to exercise it, bothers me.

Exercise GK this week. Duty yesterday. And on friday. Basically means going home late, if at all, this whole week.

Sad.

Spent some time gazing at the fish pond at the medical centre today. Had some colleagues join me. Just gazed at the fish swimming around. (Several koi and luohan) And talked about fish, in general.

Quite interesting. And relaxing, surprisingly.

jus realised how music ties the world together.
was playing a fellow medic's guitar today when dhan, this indian fella, came into the room. handed the guitar to him, asked him to play some songs.
he played some indian-sounding tune. yes, on the classical guitar.
asked me to play, i played romance de amour (yes dat overplayed tune), right here waiting and seagull.
he asked me for the tune of romance, which i wrote down.
i tell u, i hate that guy, with the absolute trouble he's created for us, but after this little exchange, my feelings of hate have slightly diminshed.
this may sound frivolous but hey its true.

and did u realise the songs u remember, even after years of non-practice, are those dat have some significance to u?

i'm still right here waiting for someone, the song seagull reflects my nature and romance... its jus an overplayed song lah. u jus HAVE to know it if u claim to have learnt classical guitar. :P

Can't remember the title of the song but this suddenly popped into my head. Its by Bread. this ancient soft rock band.
lyrics start like these:
If a picture's worth a thousand words
Then I'd ... paint you
...

Cant really make out the rest of wat he's singing. but the whole song's so... poignant.

oh. this thought suddenly popped into my head.

there are like so many cases of guys feeling they're actually women trapped in men's bodies, and have sex-change operations, but are there guys who feel like they're lesbians trapped inside a man's body?

i mean, do lesbians feel like gay men? if a guy were to decide he's lesbian will it do any good for him to chnage his sex, and love a self-professed lesbian?

perhaps i'm having too much coffee. jus perhaps, huh?

Interview today sucked.
Big time.

I realised I'm getting too stressed up. Over trivial things.

But its my future damnit.

Decided to go into one of the dodgy lorongs of Geylang to take a look last night when I was driving home last night. Well I thought, hey I'm in a car, my locks are working, so it wouldn't hurt to take a look yah? Yes, I was slightly drunk. High lah, more like it. Wouldnt have got caught if I was stopped by the traffic police.
But anyways. It was Damn crowded. Lots of men. And women, of course. I'll describe the men first. Different nationalities seemed to gather at different... areas. Foreign... workers? In particular, gathered at this.. intersection. Together with women of... thai? nationalities. Trying to seduce them, probably.
Lots of chinese men stood around the lorongs. Ogling at the women. Some talking with them, probably haggling over prices? A lot of them were just looking at them, though. Seemed to be. Like predators deciding over their prey?
Not a very pretty sight.
Even when you are slightly drunk.
The women. They were not scantily clad, to my surprise. OK they had heavy make-up on, and you probably wouldn't see many of their... costumes in Orchard - many seemed to be in cheap dresses or something like that?
Oh I saw several shops selling clothes so I think they probably bought their costumes there.
Anyways. I saw like this Huge group coming out from somewhere as I was driving out. With a single man. Who looked like the sort you'd put in jail, if you were a policeman, just because he looked like he had the Potential to do something criminal, if he had not done anything illegal already.
Come to think of it there always seemed to be some of that sort around most girls.

Anyways. Was quite disgusted, yet fascinated by what I saw.
No I'm not about to take the plunge anytime soon, I think. Can't picture myself going up to a prostitute, much less doing it with her.
Come to think of it I Don't want to picture myself doing that.
I'm broke enough already. And I'd much like to tell my future wife, "Hey I'm a virgin too you know."

But come to think of it, isn't it every guy's fantasy to have sex with as many women as possible? And not to have to take any responsibilities.
Maybe that's why we have so few married people now. Maybe even the women want sex, but not the ramifications that come with it.
With our increasingly promiscous society, who wants marriage?
Sex is enough.