Attended my australian cousin's wedding dinner (well, sorta) tonight.

Tasted XO for the first time.

Bleah.

Sweet, bitter, and with a taste that pierces your tongue, why would Anyone like XO???

Tried diluting with Coca-cola.

Ever tasted bitter coca-cola? :P

Pondered about the meaning of life again today.

Read Tuesdays with Morrie again.

Thought more about the meaning of life.

Oh the song by Bread? It's titled "If".

Thanks christina. :)

Oh i've done a major clean-up of my desk. Found some old... poems? lyrics? I composed a few years back. I'd like to jot them down here before I throw the cards away.

-----------------
The gift of life they say has come
In tables, capsules made-to-order
Gorge yourselves on them - they've no side effects
Liver damage, heart cirrosis all but detractions.

----------------
I just can't understand you.
Tried so hard
Achieved ur aims
Did irreversible damage to your body and soul.
What do you want from this life?
Lofty targets, forbidden riches, self-destruction
You've accomplished it all....

---------------
Now that I've released myself
From this plague accursed
I've never felt so much better

---------------

Pretty bad, I'd admit they are. But well I'd say they describe some of my thoughts, and they certainly stimulated some neural channels, triggered some chemical response, and helped me utilise my brain jus dat little bit more.

OK lah. i jus wanted to post something new. Satisfied? :P

hmm jus got reminded dat i havent updated this blog for quite a while.

well. summary of my life :

- Waiting for ORD. April 9th's the exact date; having my wisdom teeth removed on the 18th of Feb and not going back to work after that.
- Waiting to have my wisdom teeth extracted. In Apprehension.
- Oh cause they're all gonna be removed at one shot. All 4. Was informed that I wouldn't be able to eat after dat for a few days.
- Oh did i mention waiting to ORD?

now u see why i haven't been updating my blog don't u.

I've wanted to write about this for a long time.

Euthanasia.

Is it an immoral thing to do? Let's say you're a doctor, and you're asked by a patient to end his/her suffering. Will you do it?

He's suffering in this world. Can't eat, drink, or do anything, basically. He's dying, slowly, but surely.

Can you bring yourself to do it?

You know, a few weeks before my grandpa passed away, there was this time where the family had to decide whether to insert a feeding tube into him. He had this condition where he could no longer swallow anything, even water.

My extended family was extremely divided on this matter. Some of my relatives felt he had suffered enough - he could no longer recognise anyone besides my family, could not talk, do the things he normally did, had to be assisted when going to the toilet, and was in constant pain. Why prolong his suffering?

My mum, particularly, felt that as long as he could be happy with his family around him, why end his life?

We couldn't ask my grandpa for his opinion. Think he couldn't understand.

Well we inserted the feeding tube. And a urinary catheter as well. He later passed away 'cause of an infection caused by the catheter. Apparently its quite easy to get an infection 'cause of the insertion.

You know, my uncle, a doctor, specifically warned that the risk of infection from inserting a catheter was quite high.

So we prolonged his life, or suffering, watever way u look at it, for a few weeks.

Worth it?

Oh at the end of his life, just before he passed away, the doctors at the hospital did not perform CPR or other life-saving measures for him. That is called "passive euthanasia" and is allowed in most medical societies.

I guess I was guilty of passive euthanasia as well. I was right next to him when he passed away, taking his pulse, feeling his life slip slowly away, and finally when it did I didn't do anything.

I couldn't bring myself to perform CPR on his fragile body.


Now compare that to Active Euthanasia, or assisting in the suicide of a patient who requested it.
And Involuntary Euthanasia, or the removal of life support to someone who has been in a "persistent vegetative state" and probably never will recover consciousness.

Active euthanasia is probably unacceptable to most people, me too, probably, but involuntary euthanasia?

I don't know. The whole idea of having the power to extend a patient's life, but having the responsibility to exercise it, bothers me.

Exercise GK this week. Duty yesterday. And on friday. Basically means going home late, if at all, this whole week.

Sad.

Spent some time gazing at the fish pond at the medical centre today. Had some colleagues join me. Just gazed at the fish swimming around. (Several koi and luohan) And talked about fish, in general.

Quite interesting. And relaxing, surprisingly.

jus realised how music ties the world together.
was playing a fellow medic's guitar today when dhan, this indian fella, came into the room. handed the guitar to him, asked him to play some songs.
he played some indian-sounding tune. yes, on the classical guitar.
asked me to play, i played romance de amour (yes dat overplayed tune), right here waiting and seagull.
he asked me for the tune of romance, which i wrote down.
i tell u, i hate that guy, with the absolute trouble he's created for us, but after this little exchange, my feelings of hate have slightly diminshed.
this may sound frivolous but hey its true.

and did u realise the songs u remember, even after years of non-practice, are those dat have some significance to u?

i'm still right here waiting for someone, the song seagull reflects my nature and romance... its jus an overplayed song lah. u jus HAVE to know it if u claim to have learnt classical guitar. :P

Can't remember the title of the song but this suddenly popped into my head. Its by Bread. this ancient soft rock band.
lyrics start like these:
If a picture's worth a thousand words
Then I'd ... paint you
...

Cant really make out the rest of wat he's singing. but the whole song's so... poignant.

oh. this thought suddenly popped into my head.

there are like so many cases of guys feeling they're actually women trapped in men's bodies, and have sex-change operations, but are there guys who feel like they're lesbians trapped inside a man's body?

i mean, do lesbians feel like gay men? if a guy were to decide he's lesbian will it do any good for him to chnage his sex, and love a self-professed lesbian?

perhaps i'm having too much coffee. jus perhaps, huh?

Interview today sucked.
Big time.

I realised I'm getting too stressed up. Over trivial things.

But its my future damnit.

Decided to go into one of the dodgy lorongs of Geylang to take a look last night when I was driving home last night. Well I thought, hey I'm in a car, my locks are working, so it wouldn't hurt to take a look yah? Yes, I was slightly drunk. High lah, more like it. Wouldnt have got caught if I was stopped by the traffic police.
But anyways. It was Damn crowded. Lots of men. And women, of course. I'll describe the men first. Different nationalities seemed to gather at different... areas. Foreign... workers? In particular, gathered at this.. intersection. Together with women of... thai? nationalities. Trying to seduce them, probably.
Lots of chinese men stood around the lorongs. Ogling at the women. Some talking with them, probably haggling over prices? A lot of them were just looking at them, though. Seemed to be. Like predators deciding over their prey?
Not a very pretty sight.
Even when you are slightly drunk.
The women. They were not scantily clad, to my surprise. OK they had heavy make-up on, and you probably wouldn't see many of their... costumes in Orchard - many seemed to be in cheap dresses or something like that?
Oh I saw several shops selling clothes so I think they probably bought their costumes there.
Anyways. I saw like this Huge group coming out from somewhere as I was driving out. With a single man. Who looked like the sort you'd put in jail, if you were a policeman, just because he looked like he had the Potential to do something criminal, if he had not done anything illegal already.
Come to think of it there always seemed to be some of that sort around most girls.

Anyways. Was quite disgusted, yet fascinated by what I saw.
No I'm not about to take the plunge anytime soon, I think. Can't picture myself going up to a prostitute, much less doing it with her.
Come to think of it I Don't want to picture myself doing that.
I'm broke enough already. And I'd much like to tell my future wife, "Hey I'm a virgin too you know."

But come to think of it, isn't it every guy's fantasy to have sex with as many women as possible? And not to have to take any responsibilities.
Maybe that's why we have so few married people now. Maybe even the women want sex, but not the ramifications that come with it.
With our increasingly promiscous society, who wants marriage?
Sex is enough.

Something amazing happened to me today.
This morning, as I was walking towards the bus-stop from camp, after yet another dreary duty, a taxi-driver honked at me. Asked me where I wanted to go.
I said I had no cash.
He said "Nevermind! I'll charge you the bus-fare equivalent of where you want to go!"
I said, "But I Really have no cash at all!"
He said, "alright, I'll take you there for free! Where do you want to go?"
I wanted to go to CCK mrt. well, home, actually, but it cost more than 10 bucks and it wasn't correct, asking him to send me there for free.
He asked me to hop in, saying he'd drive me there for free.
Turns out he was listening to some recording of some christian leader's inspiring talk.
He told me he discovered God today. Said something about We are All Brothers. Called me Brother. And said something about God gave us a magnificent environment. Listed an example of sungei tengah, how humans dirty the place God give us.
Money and all other worldly possessions are not important, he reasoned. We can't carry them with us. People burn hell money, but aren't those "hell money" minted and created by just other human beings? Only when you believe in God, can you go to heaven. And related stuff.

Oh later when we were near Sunshine Place, we saw several people who wanted to board a taxi. He asked if he could let me off there, and I was like sure! Free ride for nothing, who would complain yah.

Come to think of it, I'd ask my grandchildren to save on hell money when I die. Donate the equivalent to charity organisations, it'd be better spent.

ok havent written for quite a while so here's a brief update of my life:

• still alive.
• will not be so alive in the next 2 weeks. Going for AOE the next 2 weeks. basically a yearly test of an air force unit's combat readiness. to be exact, i'll be away from mon-wed starting from tomorrow, and mon-thurs week after dat.
• will be on duty on friday, and if i cant find help, on sunday as well. dat means i'll only be free on sat. anybody free then??
• desperately hope that i wun be recalled next weekend. oh "recalling" means, well, jus dat, recalling u back to camp on a sat or sun with a phone-call and/or one of those msgs u see on tv and hear on radio (well technically if the tv and radio means are used, its termed "mobilisation"). U'll hafta report back to camp in 2 hours, full combat gear and all, and they'll waste ur time by conducting useless checks on ur gear. like whether ur body powder container's filled to the BRIM. and yes the CAPS mean sth.
• oh i'm still single.
• and desperate.
• and broke, as usual.

oh i've watched the Incredibles. yeah!

well. dats the only interesting thing dat's happened to me so far. sad rite, my life. :(

Think of the flowers - see how they bloom.
Think of the perfect day - enjoy the sun's loving gaze on you.
Think of the wind - feel its soft touch as it caresses your skin.

Damn the stoopid rainy season.

Knew I'd lose you right from the start
Yet I let you go
Ill-fated, temporary state of mind
Playing tricks on our passionate souls.


Slept too much today. Don't know whether I was too tired, stressed, or both, fell asleep straight after dinner till now. Such... naps are really bad for you, in my opinion.

Made me think. Recollect. Old disjointed memories I did not want to recall.

You know, I may seem like such a happy (though yes, Serious with a capital S) person, and indeed I am, relatively, now, but not so long ago I was this... totally different person. On the surface I've never changed, but underneath it all, I've sorta undergone a major overhaul of my congenital structure.

Which basically means I've changed lah.

Don't know whether it is for the better. I guess in some ways, my thought processes have degenerated to that similar of 1800s samurais. The passion they had in their work; the code of honor they sought to uphold; even their disregard for women's rights.

Yes incidentally The Last Samurai is one of my favourite movies.

But anyways. Back to my memories. And the prose that came to my mind (at the top) jus now. Why did I let her go? Why did I even let myself get emotionally attached - and yes I would call it love - to her, when I knew I wouldn't be here in Singapore next year? Why do I even want to experience it again when I have less than a year left here in Singapore??

Bittersweet memories I'd rather not recall; incoherent thoughts I'd give all not to have. Sigh.

wow. new readers! heyhey dudes and babes!!! :D

well, i'll hafta warn u guys first, this blog Is a collection of my random thoughts so it may be qute boring/offensive/watever.

This blog Is based on a true life and by no means fictional.

But please do not reproduce it in any form without first seeking my permission, and/or quoting my name.

I am still a quiet, innocent guy to most people, and I intend to keep it that way.

:P

Are you 'selective' when it comes to revealing yourself to a stranger, or even friend?
Do you subconsciously withdraw information of yourself when conversing with another person?
Do you consciously do so?

i mean, of course to a stranger, you wouldn't reveal much of yourself, but to your close friends? Why is that you can't say some things to your friends?

Why is it that you can deem someone not worthy enough to be a close friend? Why keep people at arm's length?

Have jus realised I can seem like a really nice person to most, but not many people actually know much about me.

erm. can everyone who reads my post leave a comment or tag in the tagboard? i'd like to know exactly how many people know of this blog's existence.... thanks!

oh still on the same theme, i believe singaporean men are jus as guilty as women for the increasing singlehood(?) rate right now.

singaporean men are jus too shy. and have been pampered by their mums jus too much. i'll admit.

but hey. looking at another perspective, singapore Is a country of immigrants isnt she.
singaporean men look for women from other countries; ditto for singaporean women.
population increases.
more multi-racial, or multi-national marriages.
isn't that good?
i mean, we've always taken pride in our tolerance of other cultures, adding more ingredients to rojak's been an evolutionary process since the original one came out hasn't it?

hmm. maybe i'll find my love somewhere else.

There was this letter to the straits times a few days ago. a girl was commenting on singaporean girls' "independence" and subsequent, well, "indepedence" as they watch singaporean girls pursue girls of other nationalities. Seemed quite truthful, and no it wasn't a defence of singaporean girls as you would inevitably think.

interesting, u know. the qualities guys look for in girls. i totally agree with her, when she mentioned that singaporean girls are "assertive" and "independent-minded" or something like that, and won't kowtow to the 'girly' qualities a girl should have. and since guys look for 'girly' qualities in girls, the simple equation of demand and supply shows that inevitably, the number of single women would increase, and the level of foreign talent in singapore increases. yes i mean women and no i dun mean it in any derogatory manner. its jus something meant to be humourous.

and yes i know i have independent-minded women reading my blog so i may hafta clarify and/or use less provocative words in the future.

:P

anyways. i believe i'm a rarity in dat i Like an independent woman who can take care of herself, choose what she wants to eat and can suggest ideas on what to do on a date or outing.

problem is, i havent met even one jus yet.

where are all the singaporean women she mentioned???