ok havent written for quite a while so here's a brief update of my life:

• still alive.
• will not be so alive in the next 2 weeks. Going for AOE the next 2 weeks. basically a yearly test of an air force unit's combat readiness. to be exact, i'll be away from mon-wed starting from tomorrow, and mon-thurs week after dat.
• will be on duty on friday, and if i cant find help, on sunday as well. dat means i'll only be free on sat. anybody free then??
• desperately hope that i wun be recalled next weekend. oh "recalling" means, well, jus dat, recalling u back to camp on a sat or sun with a phone-call and/or one of those msgs u see on tv and hear on radio (well technically if the tv and radio means are used, its termed "mobilisation"). U'll hafta report back to camp in 2 hours, full combat gear and all, and they'll waste ur time by conducting useless checks on ur gear. like whether ur body powder container's filled to the BRIM. and yes the CAPS mean sth.
• oh i'm still single.
• and desperate.
• and broke, as usual.

oh i've watched the Incredibles. yeah!

well. dats the only interesting thing dat's happened to me so far. sad rite, my life. :(

Think of the flowers - see how they bloom.
Think of the perfect day - enjoy the sun's loving gaze on you.
Think of the wind - feel its soft touch as it caresses your skin.

Damn the stoopid rainy season.

Knew I'd lose you right from the start
Yet I let you go
Ill-fated, temporary state of mind
Playing tricks on our passionate souls.


Slept too much today. Don't know whether I was too tired, stressed, or both, fell asleep straight after dinner till now. Such... naps are really bad for you, in my opinion.

Made me think. Recollect. Old disjointed memories I did not want to recall.

You know, I may seem like such a happy (though yes, Serious with a capital S) person, and indeed I am, relatively, now, but not so long ago I was this... totally different person. On the surface I've never changed, but underneath it all, I've sorta undergone a major overhaul of my congenital structure.

Which basically means I've changed lah.

Don't know whether it is for the better. I guess in some ways, my thought processes have degenerated to that similar of 1800s samurais. The passion they had in their work; the code of honor they sought to uphold; even their disregard for women's rights.

Yes incidentally The Last Samurai is one of my favourite movies.

But anyways. Back to my memories. And the prose that came to my mind (at the top) jus now. Why did I let her go? Why did I even let myself get emotionally attached - and yes I would call it love - to her, when I knew I wouldn't be here in Singapore next year? Why do I even want to experience it again when I have less than a year left here in Singapore??

Bittersweet memories I'd rather not recall; incoherent thoughts I'd give all not to have. Sigh.

wow. new readers! heyhey dudes and babes!!! :D

well, i'll hafta warn u guys first, this blog Is a collection of my random thoughts so it may be qute boring/offensive/watever.

This blog Is based on a true life and by no means fictional.

But please do not reproduce it in any form without first seeking my permission, and/or quoting my name.

I am still a quiet, innocent guy to most people, and I intend to keep it that way.

:P

Are you 'selective' when it comes to revealing yourself to a stranger, or even friend?
Do you subconsciously withdraw information of yourself when conversing with another person?
Do you consciously do so?

i mean, of course to a stranger, you wouldn't reveal much of yourself, but to your close friends? Why is that you can't say some things to your friends?

Why is it that you can deem someone not worthy enough to be a close friend? Why keep people at arm's length?

Have jus realised I can seem like a really nice person to most, but not many people actually know much about me.

erm. can everyone who reads my post leave a comment or tag in the tagboard? i'd like to know exactly how many people know of this blog's existence.... thanks!

oh still on the same theme, i believe singaporean men are jus as guilty as women for the increasing singlehood(?) rate right now.

singaporean men are jus too shy. and have been pampered by their mums jus too much. i'll admit.

but hey. looking at another perspective, singapore Is a country of immigrants isnt she.
singaporean men look for women from other countries; ditto for singaporean women.
population increases.
more multi-racial, or multi-national marriages.
isn't that good?
i mean, we've always taken pride in our tolerance of other cultures, adding more ingredients to rojak's been an evolutionary process since the original one came out hasn't it?

hmm. maybe i'll find my love somewhere else.

There was this letter to the straits times a few days ago. a girl was commenting on singaporean girls' "independence" and subsequent, well, "indepedence" as they watch singaporean girls pursue girls of other nationalities. Seemed quite truthful, and no it wasn't a defence of singaporean girls as you would inevitably think.

interesting, u know. the qualities guys look for in girls. i totally agree with her, when she mentioned that singaporean girls are "assertive" and "independent-minded" or something like that, and won't kowtow to the 'girly' qualities a girl should have. and since guys look for 'girly' qualities in girls, the simple equation of demand and supply shows that inevitably, the number of single women would increase, and the level of foreign talent in singapore increases. yes i mean women and no i dun mean it in any derogatory manner. its jus something meant to be humourous.

and yes i know i have independent-minded women reading my blog so i may hafta clarify and/or use less provocative words in the future.

:P

anyways. i believe i'm a rarity in dat i Like an independent woman who can take care of herself, choose what she wants to eat and can suggest ideas on what to do on a date or outing.

problem is, i havent met even one jus yet.

where are all the singaporean women she mentioned???

ok more serious thoughts for this blog.

was watching my goldfish jus now.*

they were like... swimming around. as usual, of course, as it wasn't bedtime for them yet. **
argh getting addicted to terry pratchett.
anyways. we have one black gold-fish (technically its called one, i think) and many other gold-coloured goldfish. in one tank. And another tank with similar contents.
dun ask me why though, the black-coloured goldfish (i'll call it Black for short) didn't seem too unhappy. now im no reader of emotions (of goldfish) but i'll say swimming around and with the other fish looks like what a happy fish would do. well, a normal thing to do, at least.

ok main point. why did Black feel so comfortable amongst the other fish? was he aware that he was different from the rest? and why did the other fish accept him/her (apparently) in their midst?

well i happen to have another tank containing a luohan fish. all the rage in the past year. brings luck and all that. and luohans are known for their... ferocity. and territorial instincts. bought two other... sucker fish? which jus suck on to the sides of the tank? yah. one day i awoke to find the dismembered bodies of one of them floating in the water. a few days later the same thing happened to the other.

the luohan seems to be quite happy on its own in the tank right now.

now u may think goldfish are much smaller than luohan, and their teeth are... wait they have no teeth. and thus are by nature more friendly.

but u know its not true. not all big animals cant live together. elephants dont kill llamas for fun (my luohan had an abundant supply of food every day) or jus because their territory is intruded upon. and it Does look like they Can swing, or kick, llamas around for fun rite?

funny thing is, my luohan killed the sucked fish at night, when no-one was around. it was almost like murder, u know? stab someone in the dark.

but anyways. u think if i had had an electric shocking device to administer little jolts every time it tried to touch the sucker fish, the luo han would have eventually left them alone?

ok gotta get to work on my application essay.

enough random thoughts for the day.

have a great one. :)



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*actually they're not really mine. my grandma's. and technically wasn't really watching them. was more like taking occasional glances at 'em. singapore idol was.... painful. :P
**actually i dun think they Ever have a specific bed-time as we leave the lights on top of the tanks, well, on, all the time. not my idea dun ask me why??

another new reader of my blog! hi tina!!!!!! :-D

haha dun worry not hitting on ya. i may be desperate but my mind's still working. long-distance relationships never work out.

and i dont know how to pursue a girl too anyways. (Another point: Army reduces your girl-chasing abilites to wolf-whistles and trying to look suave.) and i havent even mastered the art of wolf-whistling. or looking suave.

oh u know zhijing's reaction when i gave her the present i bought her from the US? she couldnt stop laughing. apparently i look too similiar to the flying fox soft toy.

oh wow.

how am i going to chase any girls with this kind of 'cute' face? u tell me. i mean, girls look for tall, handsome guys who look mysterious and all dat right?

i'm short, "cute" and.... i'll jus say i dun look mysterious, all right?

oh man. looks like my self-confidence's at an all-time low...

and oh. i'm shy. too shy for my own good. but yeah. sigh. :(

i'm writing again! at last!

oh well. update of my life.

Finally have 'distributed' all the gifts i've wanted to give away. oh wait. there's one more. oh well nevermind. Almost.

breakfast yesterday was... interesting. very interesting. yeah i'll be secretive about it and let u wonder wat its all about muhahaha *evil laugh*

but anyways. reminded myself dat i'm leaving next year. wherever i'm going, its away from here. not dat singapore isnt the place for me. its jus... i dunno. i really wanna know wat its like outside this tiny little speck on the map. maybe i wun come back? or maybe i will.

NS is jus NOT good for ur mental health i tell ya.

see, unrelated rite? no linkages from one paragraph to the next.

oh well.

oh. to continue. lets jus give a few points to illustrate y NS is SO detrimental to ur health yah?

1. Your brain rots. 'cause of inactivity. or lots of meaningless activity. and repetition. of stuff dat u normally jus wont bother to do.
2. It destroys ur hormonal balance. Its far worse than an all-male secondary school, because it ELEVATES ur levels of male hormones. 'cause of exercise and all that. so yah. u get desperate for girls, u despair for sex, and u eventually get desecrated when u unconsciously spill ur guts. (in front of a girl). no i havent experienced the last but i get this feeling i'll experience it real soon.
3. It damages ur body. now i'm speaking as a medic when i see countless cases of people getting injured in training. and for regulars, the long-term effects of training.
4. When u Do stop NS, u'll be faced with this... emptiness. 'cause it jus takes up all ur time (when ur in it) and although its full of meaningless, mindless activity, it still takes up ur time. thus when u Do get free u'll be stuck in some sort of dilemma. like so many ex-regulars who develop beer bellies (i'm serious) and ex-NSFs who jus while away their time, like a person i know. depression sets in.

ok so basically half of wat i've written is jus crap. believe wat u will. but this new keyboard is jus too nice to the touch. and this new com...

i'm getting addicted to The Sims 2.

ciao.

decided to take a break from describing my trip.

anyways.

felt the need to get a girlfriend again. tired of elaborating. but yeah.

damn sad.

sigh.

oh i met a pri school friend of mine today. she's going to japan for some study exchange program for a year. and i prob wont be here by the time she gets back.

double sigh.

u know i've been wondering lately? how life overseas would be like. i mean, i spent 2 weeks alone out there and it was fun, but for 4 years? i dun know.

Alright I've finally found the xin qin to write again.

Gonna write about my trip.

Well, as you know, I went to the US to 'look at' some universities, as well as to the interview conducted at Duke.

I tell ya, Duke is a nice place. Somehow, dun ask me why, once I stepped inside, this. familiar feeling sorta overcame me. i jus felt, Chinese High!
I'm serious. It's like... I dunno, Duke feels just like Chinese High. ok its a Lot bigger and is co-ed, but Still. Same feeling. Dunno y.

Anyways. About the trip proper. Shall give a brief day-by-day description of my trip.

16th Aug : Reached Durham at around 930pm. damn tired. slept.

17th Aug : Decided to try out the public transportation system. woke up at 8, had a free breakfast (which sucked, only redeeming thing was the coffee) and walked to the bus-stop outside. it didnt have any label so i assumed it wasn't functional. met two indians (couple? or couple-to-be?), one of them gave me directions to a bus-stop near his work-place. Long walk. told me not having a car sucked. big time. after walking 20 mins to the bus-stop, and waiting 20 more for the only bus that served the route, I decided it Really did.
Bus ride took almost an hour. Reached Durham downtown terminal when I had wanted to go to Chapel Hill. oh the two of them are different 'cities', by the way. distance between them is like woodlands and jurong, if i'm living downtown. magnified a few times, of course.
anyways. since i landed up in the right place at the wrong time (had planned to visit Durham only later) I decided to go aexploring. Got the bus driver to take me to the Visitors Centre. Very helpful stuff gave me lots of directions and maps. But. I still got lost for quite a bit before getting back to the terminal. they have jus too many intersections and street names i tell ya. too many.
had lunch at this little shop. first taste of a big american buger. i tell u, the patty was like a half-pounder at macs if ever they decide to have one. (oh i have a double quarter-pounder at macs there. didnt try though) And their fries. Damn big too.
after that huge meal, decided to head back to the hotel. to Really sort out how to get to Chapel Hill, where I had scheduled a campus tour the next day. took the same bus back, and found that it stopped at this Huge shopping mall. huge in the fact that it covered quite a large area. perhaps that of taka, wisma, orchard station, far east, tangs, borders and lido together. with the road in between. but didnt seem so big on the inside, as there were only Two stories. waste of space, if u ask me. but then again there's So much space to waste.
nothing much came out of my detailed scouring of the maps leading to Chapel Hill. decided to take a taxi there.

18th Aug : Taxi reached Chapel Hill in half an hour. was two hours early for the tour so registered, took a map and went looking around on my own. had breakfast at this pancake shop, and picked up yet more maps at a visitors centre. tour of chapel hill was quite alright, in fact, it looked quite alright. several old buildings, and very approacheable people. lecture rooms were Very impressive (3 overhead projectors!) and the campus was wireless. woohoo.
After the tour, had this information session. was directed to the bio building finally, but couldnt meet the professor as he seemed Damn busy. got his email. and Finally knew how to get back to the hotel from Chapel Hill. had to walk quite a long distance though. like from serene centre to chinese high. and oh met the indian couple(-to-be) again. they directed me back to the hotel, interestingly.

19th Aug: Visited Duke. went for the campus tour. and managed to see the professor after getting lost and entering a graduate students' lab building. not to mention cutting across the Duke hospital. anyways. he seemed genuinely impressed and a tad amused (yes, amused, i wonder why) to see me and gave me his old textbook. jus changed to a new version so he didnt have any use for it, he said. and oh there was this taiwanese graduate student who was listening to our conversation instead of being at the matriculation ceremony.
oh i finally found the bus that served the bus-stop jus outside my hotel. apparently bus-stop = Some bus stops there.

20th Aug : Interview. didn't seem like an interview at all. i mean, it was more like an informal interview. she asked me some questions, i answered, she seemed quite impressed, I asked some questions, she answered, end of interview. can't really remember the contents of the interview, to be honest.
and one thing, i'm beginning to think its standard to appear impressed there. u dun really know wat they Really feel underneath. its like... they're quite fake. to put it simply. and they look jus like me when im pretending to be interested in some obscure topic when all im doing is concentrating on looking interested.
scary.

tired now, will continue later.

going off to the US now. realise i haven't blogged lately.
guess i'll have lots to write about when i come back. heh.

u know, come to think of it, i Am getting a bit... apprehensive. about going there alone. i mean, i havent really cared about it beforehand, but now... last minute jitters?
lets jus hope everything turns out alright yah? *nervous smile*

sigh lately i've been thinking of so many things, but jus cant get them down on paper. ok on the keyboard. or web. watever.
 
maybe i've been too tired.
 
oh i'm still desperate for a girlfriend. hormones still doing their thang.
 
and oh had a really Slack day today. had breakfast in the canteen (was entitled to 'cause i did duty yesterday and i'm no longer a 'new' medic :P) then did 1 1/2 hours of work before going out to various places to dispatch some stuff. played soccer after that. (jus nice lah, i arrived jus on time.)
then had seoul garden wit mark.
ate Lots of beef. and quite an amount of chicken.
and a minimal amount of veggies i insisted on putting in to provide fibre which we all need in our diet.
 
anyways. didnt get to watch supersize me. or brotherhood. or king arthur. sigh.
 
oh! oh yah. heard many people say king arthur isnt worth watching. i beg to differ. i mean, its jus like watching an extended warcraft III cut-scene right? damn nice. its enough for me.
 
if im not making any sense its cause im too tired to think straight. yeah. 

they're cutting down the coconut trees lining the house now. apparently one of them fell and crushed a car.
yeah im serious.

dun quite believe it too.

but... its so sad. sigh. i miss them already... :(

oh. i jus got to know dat i'll prob hafta stay-in from next week onwards. apparently this new CO wants Everybody to stay-in.
which means a total loss of freedom for me.
CRAP.
TOTAL CRAP.

sigh i cant help remembering last night when i was suddenly attacked by a bout of euphoria.
remember thinking, Why the Heck am i feeling so happy???
and then, This is bad. Everytime i feel so high, Something wrong's bound to happen soon.

how right i was.

sigh.
lost my wallet today.
dun ask me how, i dun know!!! (for the umpteenth time, i placed it in my pocket last night when i slept, didnt check it was there in the morning and only discovered it was gone after covering ippt, when i felt hungry and wanted to eat.)
sigh.
$80 gone. dats 20 in the wallet, 50 for my replacement 11B and 10 for my replacement debit card.
wouldnt have minded paying for a new debit card, its kind of... tattered? but 50 bucks!!! for a damn 11B!!!!
although yah lah it needs replacing, my details are coming out. but still!!!!
argh.
still cant get over it.
i mean, i assume somebody's taken it, since i've searched EVERYWHERE, and its like... if u want my money jus take it, jus return me my wallet with my 11B can???
kau.
make me pay Dat much for my cards. And make me go through the hassle of cancelling the card for a week.
now i cant withdraw money for a week.
and payday's tomorrow.
imagine the agony man.
crap.
total crap.

may be going to the US in august as I originally planned, after all. jus emailed Duke, they're having interviews on campus in july and august. think i'll go for one.
but if i DO go in august i might miss pamela's birthday celebration! oh no. :(

As you know, my grandpa passed away last sunday at around 3am in the morning. i was amongst those who were by his side.
After a great number of minutes spent grieving, my relatives decided to hold a 5-day wake at our home before cremating him on thursday morning. and decided to call singapore casket to 'bao' the whole funeral.
they were damn efficient, u know, set up the tents and all dat within hours. the appropriate rituals were done by professional monks too. (heard dat one of them drove a BMW.) wasnt too bad, in general. couple of grandpa's friends came, not to mention the whole extended family... several friends of my relatives came... sze, tuan and ayline came over too.
didnt feel particularly sad during the whole funeral though. it was as if... at the back of my mind, there was this thought, he's dead, his soul's actually gone, what we're doing is jus... for formality's sake...
i dunno. it was like in stark contrast to the extreme sadness i felt last year when my other grandpa as well as my granduncle passed away, and i had to attend their funeral, and cremation, respectively. then, i couldnt help thinking back on the moments we'd spent together, and have tears well up in my eyes... even now, these feelings have not gone...
but this year, i felt no such grief. alright, not so much as compared to last year. there was more like this... sense of relief. as well as this... insulation? this... layer that i feel is protecting me from the grief i might otherwise not bear?
relief as in i saw my grandpa suffering for so long... he.. couldnt even eat! or control his urinary/bowel movements. he looked so.... sad after the fall. and he was bedridden. wat worse thing can happen to u when u cant enjoy the simple pleasures of life like he did when he would exercise each morning by walking up and down the slope, the concrete path? then follow dat up with his daily breakfast of a banana, mueslibix? is dat the name? an egg... some bran... and milk... then he would settle down in his chair to read the newspapers... dissect the chinese newspapers such dat each sheet was separated from the rest (put me off chinese newspapers, dat did)... then at lunchtime he would want us to switch on the tv so he could listen to the 1pm news... then he'd take a nap... then go downstairs to sit in his chair and perhaps watch tv/korean/jap serials with my grandma? never knew wat he did then... was always upstairs... then have a shower and watch the 630 'shi chen jin ri' before taking dinner and napping? before watching the 10 o'clock news (sometimes)... and sleeping...
come to think of it i Knew his mundane routine and the thought that he couldnt do all that... i felt really sad for him. and then he had to get used to having a female nurse (and an unattractive one at dat) care for his daily needs...
in a way, u know, im glad he's finally passed on and not have to suffer all dat?

and this insulation. i think i understand the power of prayer, in a way, now. i remember distinctively repeating the first line of dat poster in the sickbay... yes 'Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change'. it was dat simple sentence which really helped prevent me from breaking down dat night. alright it wasnt a prayer. but sometimes... i guess u jus need a sentence.. a thought... Anything. to hold on to to survive. perhaps prayers work in dat way. and perhaps the thought dat there is a God who cares for us is powerful enough to help us continue our lives, even with the passing on of our loved ones.