Detachment.

To all my friends here and abroad, I do apologise for appearing to have disappeared from Manchester lately. I am still around, feel free to contact me, it's just that somehow in these past few weeks I've felt myself retreating into the comfortable cocoon of my room all too often. I have not migrated to Cambridge and apart from 3 days next week (tues to thurs i'll be in Paris, Mei you didn't see this) and 3rd-13th april (in the US - Mei you didn't see this either) i'll be here in Manchester.
Really.

Perceptions.

I somehow think people think too much of me.
I was talking with this group mate just after a lecture yesterday and during the conversation, she revealed that she thought I read up a LOT before lessons, judging from what I had discussed in class. I didn't correct her perception, of course, but it really surprised me. I mean, was it the general perception of Brits that Chinese people just study much more, or was it that I had really appeared to be so knowledgeable with the utter rubbish I was muttering in class?
Reminded me of something A said not too far back - he'd said that he'd rather consult me if he was ill, rather than W (jokingly, hopefully). It was quite surprising and flattering, to say the least. But pressurising, too, of course. I don't feel I am anywhere near the state of dispensing useful advice just yet, or even in 3 years' time.
And the chemistry tutor in JC who exclaimed 'What happened? We were all expecting you to get 4As you know...' when I went back to NJ back in my NS days. When I had got CDEO for my prelims.
And LM tells me that she feels loved, with the non-existent things I do to make her happy.
No seriously, I'm not trying to be humble - you know I'm not - it's more like, I feel that disappointment is always just a step away from expectation. I'd rather people not expect so much from me, sometimes.

Portfolio.

As you may or may not know, I have this portfolio thing that I have to compile throughout my medical career, well at least for the years whilst I'm here. It's a record of everything I've done, medical training, reflective pieces about patients I've met, etc. over here. I even get to critique the lecturers' teaching styles in my 'reflections'.

I was finishing up the last pieces a few hours (in the early morning actually) before the deadline as usual last week, when I realised the usefulness of it all.

No seriously, it was through writing the countless pieces of reflective writing (mostly of interviews with patients, how I feel I've done, etc) and also this SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities to correct weaknesses, threats to my future career) analysis (of myself) that I gained a little more understanding of myself.

Of course this sounds more than a little narcissistic, but the point I'm trying to make is - how often do we actually take a step back and evaluate ourselves, and why we behave the way we do? Especially when we're all so caught up with life and our troubles, do we, should we, sometimes say, 'hang on, I've still got all this to seek solace in' - and be glad that despite all our troubles, we still have our friends and family around us?

I sorta realised I wouldn't be thinking all these, say, 8 years ago. Interesting eh, what a few years can do to you.

Roll Along.

I am sincerely sorry for the lack of posts lately, it's just that I haven't found anything worth blogging about, and life's just rolling along as it always does. Or maybe it's that I've lost my literary edge (well, sorta) after being drowned in medical jargon, not-so-random numbers and a significant screwing up of my body clock.

Oh did I tell you I missed my honours for my semester test by 1 mark, and failed my OSCEs by 2 marks? I believe I'm still smarting from that, really, though I know I should have moved on by now. Grr.

Horoscope.

Decided to surf randomly for stuff today and guess what I found - my chinese horoscope for today.

Profit by this planetary calm to return upon yourself by asking yourself such questions of capital importance as: have I given a sense to my life? Am I not spreading myself thin instead of concentrating myself on the essential? Am I living actually or only vegetating?
- from Asia1.com.sg

How apt. Am I actually living, or am I merely vegetating?

I need to join another society, really.

Phases.

I call it the Supertramp phase of music - sooner or later someone (or some group) like Mika or Scissor Sisters will come out, with his/their cartoon-ish music and lyrics that are so fun to dance to, yet so deceptively subversive.

Mmm... I like.

Spinal Column of the Chicken.

I had a quarter of a (whole) roast chicken left from 2 days before so I decided to make full use of it and make some traditional Chinese herbal chicken soup. (ie throw the remains of the cooked chicken and some herbs and let it stew [at your inattention to it] for a few hours.)
I'm currently eating it with rice (tastes alright btw, with all the marrow and fat and assorted innards) and I've just discovered two very interesting pieces of bone.

Now those of us taking medicine or the health sciences will no doubt be thrilled to find the practical applications of what we're studying. IE You can separate individual pieces of vertebrae by boiling them long enough.

No seriously, I am quite perturbed at the fact that I used to be able to enjoy my chicken soup without noticing assorted pieces of odd-looking bone, but now my eyes seem to be attuned to the sight of anything vaguely resembling structures in the human body.

On a side note, it is just amazing how animals have similar systems to ours? (Don't get me started on the creation vs evolution theory, you know where I stand, by the side of Mr Charles Darwin) I mean, looking at this, there isn't any wonder why our ancestors used to believe (and perhaps still do) in consuming animal innards to re-invigorate our organs, and fabricated (or not) tales of Frankenstein-ish creatures which had various entrails and sensory apparatus replaced by some unlucky animals' parts?

Isn't it fascinating, and shouldn't we be encouraged, by the fact that we haven't lost our sense of bewilderment in this cynical world of ours? That we don't take things for granted?

Rabbits in hats, let's hope we don't become.

Getting Old(er).

Hands up those who still buy CDs instead of the latest songs/albums from iTunes/Soundbuzz (or just download it from somewhere, anywhere.)

Shout "Yeah" if you don't understand the latest furore about Vista. (Yes I mean the interface.)

And nod if you still remember Christina and Britney both being fresh-faced teens and Charlotte Church an innocent little girl with an angelic voice.

Laugh (wistfully) if you don't know where the latter has ended up right now.

We're getting old, face it. We need to get in touch with the juice, man, the juice! The bling! The latest-name-for-US-dollars!

Yeah right.

Incriminating Evidence.

To my dear friends and readers of this blog:

Please do clear your browsing history sometimes. I have records of a kind friend who has visited this site 57 times in the past year - it is certainly gratifying to know that I have people who care about me, but at the same time, I really worry about your personal web security. There are far too many websites which have tracking cookies much more malicious than mine - so please do clear your cache (in IE it's under 'tools, internet options, clear history/cookies'*) periodically.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*I'm not providing instructions for the good people amongst us using firefox, opera or safari. I assume you do know a little bit about internet security if you're not using IE 5. Or 6.

Mac VS Windows.

I've been reading quite fervently about the latest incarnation of windows lately, and the associated mac vs pc arguments that never seem to end. (Oh 'cause I'm planning to buy a new laptop this June.)
I think, swimming past the incessant mac-is-better fanatics and oh-we-are-better-microsoft devotees and their verbal duels, I've sorta reached a personal epiphany.

Apple will never win Microsoft in the battle of the OSs - if certain conditions don't change.

1. Compatability. Yes this may sound counter-intuitive, but have you ever thought of this? The Mac OS X is built specifically for the Mac, while Windows runs on all PCs and laptops. I'm not talking about compatability with older hardware in Vista (current furore is on that), I'm talking about Windows being a platform for the many different brands of PCs that you can find in the market today. If Apple doesn't develop a PC-friendly OS in the future, there is simply no way it can compete with Microsoft in terms of market share - for it is but one company, compared to the many that manufacture PCs and laptops.
Now I know pure Mac fanatics will be seething or feel revolted at the tiniest thought that the OS be corrupted and exported to a PC (and I know of at least 3 mac users who read this blog) so I beg you to think of this - as fancy, simple and stable as Tiger is, how do you expect people to convert when Apple jealously guards its operating system and restricts it to just Macs?
I mean, the whole company is built around the idea of having total integration - you buy the hardware, software, everything bundled as one (so you don't have to worry) - which is good, but for the simple testosterone-charged student who wants to brag "I have the latest IBM model with extra-wide screen and 2 gig ram, not like your 2ghz Dell dinosaur which only has 512mb ram" it just doesn't work, does it?
For a Mac is a Mac is a Mac. Or if you start being snobbish about your latest Mac to other Mac devotees you're running contrary to the values of owning a Mac anyways. Being helpful, having a sense of cammaderie, and stuff.

2. The lack of games for the Mac. Seriously, you can read on and on about parallel games just as exciting, just as wonderful (alternative versions of Windows games, if you like), but the simple point is - there is still a lack of games that run on Tiger. There might be an increasing number of games developers that are catering for both Mac and Windows users, but honestly, far too many hardware-consuming games (such as First Person Shooters) are still designed for PC-based hardware.
And I'd like to digress here, really. I've been reading so much about running Windows using bootcamp (it's a Mac program) on a Mac to play games, and supposely it works just fine - but don't you find it ironic, that you have to install something you condemn (I have to admit, it's a stereotype, the typical Mac user condemning everything Windows-based) despite all its flaws, that you'd tried hard to avoid in the first place?
But anyways getting back to the main point. Talking about OS - and OS alone, Tiger, not the Mac as a product - it just doesn't have enough clout to convince gamers that their violent needs will still be satisfied if they switch to Tiger.

So I have to say, unless Apple manages to persuade many, many more citizens and developers to use its software, I would probably remain the casual yay-I-can-protect-my-own-privacy-well-most-of-it compulsive gamer who brags (sometimes) about his PC-specific computer knowledge. Who would not switch to Vista just yet, of course.

World Domination.

I want to dominate the world. By subjecting everyone to this mysterious illness where you lose control of your thoughts, all conscious rational behaviour, and can only direct your thoughts towards the next sweet thing you can do for your family, other half and all those around you.

This illness called love.

Yes I want to dominate the world.

Blue.

From a song (Blue by Euphoria) - 'I used to be able to do everything myself, now I need a little help; I used to do everything I wanted on my own, now I don't want to be alone.'

I don't know whether this is a blessing, curse, or a little of both.

I am so f***ed.

War

Everyone thinks they know what to say
Everyone thinks they know what to do
War is bad, war is terrible
War is the curse that brands us all
But they don't know what you feel
All your true emotions unspoken
Like a true soldier,
A true soldier.

What's the point of it all
You wonder
as you see your brothers die
Fighting the enemy,
You know they are thinking
But the same.
Oh you don't know it all,
Like a true soldier,
A true soldier.


Just felt like writing something that's been bothering me. Been sick with GE (gastroenteritis) last night and today and the stomach spasms have been terrible, hence am taking the time to do something enjoyable whilst I still can (while the medication lasts).

Chocoholism Pt 3.

Dear readers,

I am sorry to inform you that alas, I have succumbed to my temptations.
I ask humbly for forgiveness from those (Mei that's you) who would not get a taste of this delectable delight because of my weakness, my ill-discipline and my inability to keep my mouth shut appropriately.

I promise to buy you more genuine hand-made chocolates from this country.
And not to eat all of them.

Chocoholism Pt 2.

Chocolate.....

I need chocolate....

This post is dedicated to all the chocolate lovers out there - I am with you!

As the stars need the moon, so I need you -
With all the breath I take, so I think of you!

OK I am getting delirious.

Chocoholism

I just realised how much of a chocoholic I am now when I discovered, to my greatest horror, that I had run out of chocolates. That was like two minutes ago, when I started tearing (not crying) and sniffing uncontrollably, felt like I would really be able to rob a poor kid of his chocolate and send him to his mum to cry, and then rob him again of that precious stuff when his mum tries to placate him by buying more.
Yup.
And then I saw the chocolates I had bought for friends and relatives back home.
No I haven't succumbed to that temptation yet. But it looks more tempting by the minute - that stash of emergency medicine looks ever so sweet, ever so melt-in-your-mouth-chockful-of-goodness-whatever-cliche-you-can-think-of alluring!
Will keep you updated on my withdrawal symptoms as they come along, later.

Scars.

I realise my tattoo has now taken on another additional meaning - it now serves to remind me of a period in my life where I was quite a different person. Subtle changes, you might think - but indelible ones in my caffeine-charged conscious-craving over-loaded brain right now.
Coupled with that song Edwin sent me years ago (Scars - by Papa Roach)... my mind's gone into overdrive.
Yeah, some songs just take on that particular meaning you want them to; the simple act of sharing a song sometimes can mean so much, to those who believe in the value and power of music.

Our time.

I was just surfing through my music library when I came across the Forrest Gump soundtrack album hidden amidst my other songs. Now I didn't take note before that it actually contains quite a few 'iconic' songs from the 60s and 70s. So yup. Led me to recollect about the movie - what it was about, when I saw it, etc. Could only remember these 'snapshots' where my parents had rented the Laser Disc (yup it was that long ago) and were watching it intently, while I actually watched only scenes of it, having been pre-occupied by the computer (yep not that long ago) and being called downstairs to forcibly watch 'cause it was 'meaningful'.
Now the point is, thinking back, did it not contain so many scenes that my parents would have been familiar with? Apart from the running with the old Nike shoes of course (the epitome of their struggle through life; never stop running, life's a marathon, etc - which happens to be one of my father's favourite quotes, and which I happen to believe in as well), or the chocolate scene (yep that chocolate quote never fails to come to mind does it), but I mean more like the whole movie, the setting, the story, everything. I don't recall many other films specifically made for that target audience - do you?

Which led me to think, of course. What would go into a movie for our generation? More specifically - those born in the '80s? Going beyond the casual(or not?) mention of the various wars America fought for 'freedom' and 'democracy', what would be a common theme that would resonate with everyone our age?

What do you think?

Leaking Leaks.

So I've been following the news more frequently than I have for the past few months. The trial of 'Scooter' Libby has particularly interested me - it's got the classic elements of betrayal, suspense, shocking revelations and all that is required of a riveting court case you don't often get to see today. (Corporate trials, however shocking the accusations, always end up in legal mumble jumble, don't you think - but that's another story)

So anyways. I'd just encourage you to follow it, for it's probably gonna make several headlines in our time, and if the victors have (or don't have) their way - a Hollywood movie decades down the road.

Oh and personal comment - I think Pampers can make an interesting advert based on this, don't you?

Missing Home.

Perhaps it's the dreadful weather, perhaps it's the horrible exam I just had, or perhaps it's the guilt I feel for not having done enough work throughout the term.

Or perhaps you just don't need any reason to miss home.